Real Housewives of Orange County – 11/2/15

What’s even left to say anymore?

That Brooks really has cancer or that he never had cancer?

That Shannon’s marriage has legitimately been repaired or that it’s currently being held together by a very loose Band-Aid with emotional puss threatening to leak out from all sides?

That Tamra is a reformed sinner or one just taking a break from sinning due to sheer exhaustion and the recommendation of a PR rep she met while standing on line at her local CVS buying generic antifungal cream?

That Heather might or might not petition the United States Postal Service to get her very own zip code for her behemoth of a home?

That Meghan believes that her terrifyingly chilly husband truly loves her or that she just got temporarily dazzled by a proximity to fame and ended up in over her head in a marriage that reads like a Grimm’s cautionary fairytale about a once-blonde woman who was swept off her feet by a psychotic baseball player?

That Vicki is a pathetic assh*le?

As we head into … Continue reading

November 2nd, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Real Housewives of Orange County – 10/26/15

It was probably somewhere around the fifth hour of watching the Senate hearing on Hillary Clinton’s role in the Benghazi attacks when a series of revelations began to sweep through my mind like a brushfire caused by an aerosol can of Resveratrol exploding inside the bidet of a marble bathroom that is Coto de Caza-adjacent:

1. There’s the ability some of us have to keep calm under pressure – and then there’s the way Hillary Clinton reacts under pressure. That woman did not so much as lightly perspire the entire time she was being grilled under hot television lights by political foes who would probably rejoice in literally roasting her over a bonfire like she was a rotisserie chicken. No matter what she was asked, her composure was nothing short of masterful. 2. And speaking of masterful, I want the name of Clinton’s makeup artist toot sweet and I’d like to buy stock in whatever company produces her matte face powder and blotting papers because – holy sh*t – those are clearly some excellent … Continue reading

October 29th, 2015 | 1 Comment | Posted in Uncategorized

Real Housewives of Orange County – 10/19/15

I’ve come to believe that watching Reunion episodes of The Real Housewives of F*cking Wherever is very similar to sleeping with a guy you promised yourself you’d never writhe beneath again before a cocktail of literal cocktails combined with the false notion that sex doesn’t have to mean anything settled first into your head and then gravitated quickly towards your waxed nether regions. What I mean here is that you think that you will get some satisfaction from the whole experience, but what you are really left with is a few hours lost from your life, a teensy bit of regret, and a wet spot that you could swear looks exactly like Vicki Gunvalson’s first face.

Just like sex with an ex, nothing that happens during a Reunion is brand new. Sure, maybe someone has a new outfit to show off or a tighter ass to wiggle or a point to make that’s said in a different manner than it’s ever been stated before (examples here might include “Here’s the newest reason I think … Continue reading

October 20th, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized