REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 5/13/13

We pick up sort of where we left off, with the Dubrows and an aerial view of the chateau. From this particular angle the odd confluence of architectural influences – a little Spanish colonial, a little Tara, a little Liberace – really don’t come together well. But it’s got a great view, so there’s that. AND a great bathroom/closet/dressing room, which is where we find Him and Her, the tension simmering. Dr. Terry is clipping his toenails!!!!! ErmaGHERD the only thing worse than someone clipping their toenails is someone biting their toenails. I used to work with a man who would clip his fingernails at his desk about once a week and the whole rest of the department was beside themselves. We finally left him an anonymous note on a Post-It (“For the love of God, STOP clipping nails at work!!”) and that took care of that.

Anyway. Heather is still mad at Dr. Terry, for what he describes as his “butthead” behavior at dinner. Heather, it seems, wants “support” – she wants more than an apology, she actually wants a co-parent to cover the kids so she can have her big “moment” on “Hot In Cleveland”. What Heather wants is a wife. I can relate to this – Mr. Little Mama is a wonderful husband and a truly great father, but he is a horrible, horrible wife. I can’t see any chance Dr. Terry is going to be any better, but the plus here is that Dr. Terry has virtually bottomless resources to hire a wife for Heather if that’s what the girl needs. Heather reels off the long list of responsibilities she has: tutor, laundress (somehow I doubt this), chauffeur, dogcatcher, tutor – and Dr. Terry calls her on listing “tutor” twice. This enrages Heather who storms off to lock herself in her fabulous closet. What I wouldn’t give for such a fabulous closet, and with a lock! I have been known to lock myself in the furnace room when I’ve needed a time out. It’s dark in there.

Meanwhile at the BarneyJudge Residence, Tammy is taking delivery of a batch of Wines By Wives which have a cute Skinnygirl-inspired label featuring Charlie’s Angels. Who is the redhead? Tammy explains that Wines by Wives is a wine-of-the-month club where Vic or Tammy select the bottles. Why would I want wine chosen by Vic or Tammy? I’d love to know how many subscribers they actually have for this operation. Because they have to go find some new wines, Tammy has organized a wine tasting excursion for “everyone” to some place in Malibu. Since when is Malibu known for wine? Maybe they are going to a BevMo in Malibu. Eddie is going to ride his bike. There are sex jokes. Tammy and Eddie pick up Gretch and Shady Slade, while Puberty Lydia and Mr. PL collect the Dubrows and then Vic at the airport, where she’s returning from a very important business trip and looks every inch the worse for wear. Vic is not too psyched to be the fifth wheel and I can’t blame her.

They arrive at some vineyard which seems to have trash on the hillside, and the clowns spill out. Gretch, appropriately, is dressed in a ringmaster costume. PL is wearing a very large Rachel Zoe hat that doubles as a golf umbrella on her tiny little lollipop stick of a body. Little Maverick, or Stirling, has made Slade’s son Grayson a get-well card. That’s cute.

They get to sampling wines off planks of wood perched atop sawhorses and it looks like Family Feud. Heather is all full of Official Wine Talk and Vic is bored of it, so she starts making sexual jokes about their hosts’ relationship. Are they a couple? Ewww, gross, no, they just told everyone they were father and daughter. Oh, well, Vic wasn’t listening, and besides, this obviously 24-year-old just looks so OLD. Tammy is horrified on behalf of us all.