REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 5/13/13

Speaking of old guys and girls who look much older than they say they are, you know who wasn’t invited on the wine tour of Malibu was the Jumbellinos, which is just fine because they are opening a tramp park in San Diego today. Lex is so proud of her “business genius” husband and GLAD she wasn’t invited because she didn’t want to go anyway! Her business genius has even paid a guy to stand out front of the venue waving an arrow sign, because that’s what really brings in the customers – just ask every tax preparer who hires someone to dress up in a Statue of Liberty costume each winter. Nothing inspires CPA confidence like roadside talent. The Chamber of Commerce is here for the ribbon cutting with the giant shears borrowed from the launch of Forever in Caftans, and the bouncing begins.

Back to our weary wine tasters, who are checking in to the Westlake Village Inn for the night. I don’t know the LA area but this doesn’t sound like we’re still in Malibu. In fact, didn’t Kyle complain endlessly when Kimmy was living in Westlake Village that it was where God left his shoes? You’d think if it was part of the greater Malibu area that Kyle would be a little less sniffy about it. Speaking of sniffy, Vic is having a pity party over the fact that she is being relegated to the Singles Wing at the inn. Puberty Lydia feels sorry for her and offers to get a rollaway for their room, which strikes a note of alarm in poor Mr. PL’s tiny Christian heart. Vic declines. What I wouldn’t give for a night alone in a hotel room – dark, quiet, lots of pillows, no snoring or 2 a.m. guests. Nothing’s ever quite right for Vic, is it?

The gang regroups for dinner and talk naturally returns to the last dinner party in the gym, where Tammy ran poor Assy right off. PL isn’t here to defend Lex, but she does tell Gretch that Lex is most hurt by her out of everyone; Gretch snipes that that’s rich, seeing as Assy has yet to reach out to HER in HER hour of need over HER boyfriend’s son’s illness. Not one text! Changing the subject, someone asks Heather about “Hot in Cleveland”, and whether she’s going to get to make out with anyone. Who would that be, Betty White? Someone else asks Vic about her newest venture, Vicki’s Vodka. This is the first Tammy has heard that Vic is getting into distilled beverages and she’s not at all happy about it. Vic is confident Vicki’s Vodka is going to be a big hit in all the Las Vegas casinos, except for the Palms which will carry Adrienne Maloof’s Vodka, of course. Gretch tells Tammy she thinks this is a “conflict of interest”. Tammy is tweaked.

Day 2 dawns and the kids are now outside for brunch, all except Eddie and Slade who are off biking and withheld sex from their gals in order to power the Flintstone Feet. Thanks for sharing. Speaking of too much information, Dr. Terry thinks now would be a good time to tell the group about his awkward détente with Heather, who is still mad at him. Everyone thinks Heather is being too hard on Terry for being goofy, but she makes the reasonable point that at some point “you need to be what your partner needs”, which is a very fair, mature marriage-counseled comment. No one sees what she’s so pissed about, so Terry comes out and tells everyone he threatened to divorce Heather when they were arguing. Heather is mortified and I would be, too. Vic offers some actual wisdom to the situation, advising that if you threaten it enough it becomes an issue in your relationship that you can’t get past. Too, too true. This is awkward.

Suddenly Eddie and Slade roll up and I have never been so happy to see Shady Slade in my whole Bravo-watching life. Everyone goes to “freshen up” and Tammy complains that Eddie is more into riding his bike than planning their wedding. Well, yeah. If my man was more into planning a wedding than pursuing his own hobbies I think I’d have a whole ‘nother set of problems. But I’d probably be getting a wife, too, so there’s that.