Speaking of acting, Lex is joining The Actors Workshop and arrives in a Rolls. Subtle. See, after Lex had a major part on “General Hospital” last summer as a weather announcer (which she claims covered 5 minutes of screen time but probably more like 5 seconds), she has caught that acting bug. Why is Lex so determined to find something to do? I really don’t get it. I’m personally desperate to find less to do. She claims her dress lines are “running themselves” (into the ground…Alexis Kootoor seems to be gone poof, while Alexis by Tal Sheyn seems to be little more than her name lent to that unfortunate soul whose work Lex famously took giant shears to last season or the one before), the tramp parks are a huge bouncing success, her kids are all in school, so now is a great time for Lex to take up a new career. Because last year’s career went so well. The thespian trainer asks Lex a challenging question: what IS acting? Assy gives the obvious answer that it’s pretending to be another person. WRONG! It’s actually having the pretend person become the real person! Forrest Gump became Tom Hanks! “Ohhhhhhhh” says Assy, like she understands this nonsense. The workshop owner thinks Assy will be a natural based on looks and sweet ride alone. Exactly.
Back at the Chateau, Dr. Terry is on the job with the ladies playing Mr. Mom, all permissive and flow-going. He’s happy to hand out whatever treats are demanded while the nanny shakes her head no, Mrs. Heather doesn’t allow that. The kids are doing art and homework and shrieking for mom when she calls on the phone. Heather is appreciative that he’s making an effort. I think it’s admirable that he’s not in his office on the computer while the nanny deals, at least for the five minutes we’re filming. Speaking of the office, the next morning (“Hot in Cleveland” taping day) we discover that Baby Colette actually sleeps in the home office. They did say that they had nowhere to put her in that whole giant house, I guess they meant it. Terry again tries to help get the kids out the door, and Heather films this whole scene with no makeup on whatsoever. It’s not like she gets some full-facial closeup, but a certain Tammy Faye Bellino ought to take some notes. Bold. Very bold.
Down in San Diego, Gretch and Shady Slade are checking out of a hotel where they have spent her birthday and the valet brings around – surprise! – a white Rolls for Gretch for her birthday! She cannot believe this car – where did it come from? Who is paying for it? Why is it here? Shady Slade insists it’s only “a couple hundred more” to lease than her Mercedes. So basically he’s telling her that he’s arranged for her to rent herself a more expensive car than the last one, happy birthday? Well, no, that’s not exactly it at all, either: for reasons I cannot fathom, Rolls-Royce decided to take Gretch on as some sort of spokesperson to design her own Rolls, just as Victoria Beckham has in the past. Because they are so the same, Posh and Gretch. So it’s really a promo thing and not her actual car, and definitely not a present from Slade paid for by Gretch herself. Google it. Anyway, they are going to be late to get to LA.
For what? Well, they are invited, along with everyone but the Jumbellinos, to come to Heather’s “Hot in Cleveland” taping. In the BarneyJudgePuberty limo, Tammy is wearing an ugly brown leopard print blouse and PL is complaining about her mother being “a stoner”. This plot may have less depth than she hopes. While the kids cocktail in their limo and commisserate over pothead mommy, Lex is back at acting class trying to release her inner Sally Field. She does a really dorky one line scene which gives her about three words about washing a car, and despite the fact that it doesn’t go that well declares herself a natural and addicted to the rush of the theatah. Mama loves the land of the bunnies, Assy’s gotta act.
Everyone but the Jumbellinos, who were not invited, and Gretch and Slade, who are self-involved and late, convene on set for the taping. Vic arrives alone very fat girl in little coat, and damn her haboobs are straining the seams of that dress. There’s about to be an incident. Vic feels weird with Tammy after their fight. I feel Dr. Terry better duck or he’s going to get hammered in the face when those things get unleashed. The taping goes really well and Heather is truly smooth, funny, and impressive. She also notices that Gretch arrives super late and can’t even sit in her seat for two seconds before she and Slade take off to mess around with her phone and miss the last scene. Klassy. Heather feels she can have it all with a little support, and is that being able to bring every aspect of your life together makes you a whole person. Good for her, and golf claps for Dr. Terry.
The party moves to dinner and I’d love to tell you what happened but I was interrupted by an emergency broadcast message of an Amber Alert. I’ve never seen an actual emergency broadcast message before, and thought it was weird that there was mariachi music playing in the background. Totally unclear as to where in the great state of Arizona this took place, which is unhelpful, and we probably missed some snarky zingers to boot. When we finally return to the dinner party Dr. Terry is making a very sweet toast about how he not only loves and cherishes Heather but is also inspired and amazed by her. Awwww. Heather shares that he hasn’t totally redeemed himself but he’s “on the road”. They laugh about the bad bangs line and party poppers are popped.
Next time: Gretch visits the infertility doctor. The Dubrows and the Vic/Donn2’s are dealing with relationship issues. Puberty Lydia tells Lex she needs to forgive and move on, while wearing a snood. And Tammy has a painful interaction with her mother before giving a speech about her worst life experiences. Wow, that ought to be a laugh a minute.
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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Suggested nickname for Lydia’s mother – Puff Mommy. . .
Puff mama. That’s a good one auntie. Little MaMa how about Puberty Lydia ‘s mom can be called Mari Wanna Mama, cause she be wanna have some herb to smoke or MaMa Jonesen because she’s Jonesen for a hit of pot .
Make sure you mention Assy (every time I Read that name. I chuckle outloud) the part where she is at the coffee shop and orders her food by saying “I’ll DO a banana please” I know it’s trendy to order food that way but it just sounded stupid when she said it. Love your recap. Will you be doing the Kardashians? I think they start next week.
Oo