REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 5/27/13

We begin at the aforementioned Tammy’s residence, where Heather is stopping by for a glass of wine and a bitch. Tammy shows her around and it seems she’s taken charge of the décor and it is in fact an improvement over the man cave situation Eddie had going on. Complaint #1 for Heather is Gretch’s obnoxious, juvenile texting at the “Hot in Cleveland” taping. Heather thinks it was “disrespectful” and she’s right about that. Complaint #2 is Dr. Terry’s invoking of the “D word” in their recent fracas. Heather shares that they don’t fight much, and for that reason she can’t help but hold on to things. “I forgive, but I don’t forget easily,” says she. I am pretty confident every woman whose husband has threatened to divorce her has a mental list of each and every incident itemized with date, time, and place in her brain. Anyway, Terry is trying to make amends. Tammy is oddly quiet in this scene; I think we’re supposed to be experiencing her compassion. Heather likes and trusts her, see so we should too. And therefore want to watch the wedding spinoff.

In the only other segment in which Housewives interact on this episode, Assy is joining Puberty Lydia for coffee, except neither of them is really drinking coffee. Assy, who is dolled up in her best Flashdance costume, orders a chamomile tea and says she’ll “do” a banana. I’ll bet you’ll do that banana. I really just hope you don’t do it on screen, girl, because I am pretty sure the only sight more horrifying than watching Tay Armstrong tongue cotton candy is watching Assy Bellino wrap her platypus lips around the shaft of a banana.

We must stop talking about that. Okay: Puberty Lydia is wearing a snood and has her hair in Heidi braids, and asks for “milk with a splash of coffee”. Kind of like how my grandmother would ask for vodka on the rocks with a glass of water on the side and vaguely wave her hand over the water to suggest a “splash”. This hair PL has going on really exaggerates the overall Bratz doll effect of her appearance. There’s so much of it, and it looks like vinyl. Anyway: PL asks what’s been going on with Assy since she got tossed from Tammy’s gym party. Not much, says Assy. Just bouncin’ around. Puberty Lydia thinks that the only way she’s going to get these awkward one-on-ones with Assy removed from her RHOC call sheet is if she can somehow get Assy some screen time with some other Housewives, so she suggests that Assy “make a bold move with Tamra”. I hope she gets more specific because I fear Assy may interpret this as a suggestion she get all Fernanda on Tammy’s bony ass and just go do it because that’s how literal and nonreflective her thinking is.

Wise old Puberty Lydia thinks Assy and Tammy need to have a sit down where there is no alcohol and no 20 other girls to pile on. Assy agrees she hasn’t had a chance to show Tammy how she’s “grown” since the confrontation in Costa Rica, Mexico. Halt: by acknowledging that she has “grown” since said confrontation, is our Assy perhaps acknowledging, just a smidge, that there was validity to the issues brought forth at said confrontation? And if that’s the case does it perhaps – just perhaps! – reasonably follow that getting dressed down on your bullshit is more an unpleasant Come To Jesus and less the “B” word? Hmmm. Anyway, Assy won’t commit to moving forward with a sit down. “We’re not saying no or saying yes.” We? The Two Faces of Assy Bellino? Or is she meaning she needs to get permission from Master Bellino? Puberty Lydia is dejected. She was hoping so so bad to get someone else into the plotline and not have to do these fake friendship scenes anymore. The well of Puberty Lydia is running a bit dry.

Meanwhile, Vic is proving to the world that Donn2 has his own independent living arrangement that is not a HoJos by swinging by his townhouse, which she helpfully reveals is five miles from the Brown House, with takeout. I feel Vic does not cook. I suspect her “home cooked meal” technique is cracking open the Entenmann’s donuts with a knife while balancing a three-inch ash like the grandma in “Sixteen Candles”. Bon appetit, mon frère! Anyway, Vic is here to talk with Donn2 about their erstwhile “relationship”, and egads! Donn2 has dyed his three hairs! With Ron Burgundy Burgundy from the Hair Care for Men line! Ohmiword, I really hoped something was wrong with my TV but no, you can practically see the dye stains on his scalp. And something is disturbingly off about this residence; the décor is so neutral it practically screams “don’t look in the basement!!”

Donn2 tells Vic – does not ask, tells her – he wants to take her out of town that weekend, in the way a man of Donn2’s hair coloring tells his woman he wants to lay her down on the bearskin rug and make sweet love by the fire after removing his leopard print manpouch. Vic’s eyeballs practically roll back in her head she is so turned on and I am ready to call 911 and tell them there’s an emergency involving a vulnerable senior in Coto. But relax, kids, Vic’s not free so we can breathe a gasp of relief. She’s babysitting Baby Troy that weekend so Ryan and Briana can go to the Marine Ball. “Those meddling kids!” thinks Donn2. She suggests a rain check but Donn2 cannot possibly do any other weekend because he has a play to attend in Mississippi for one of his abandoned children and other vague plans involving duct tape and chloroform. This was clearly a test of Vic’s devotion, and she’s failed. Thank Chaka Khan for that.

Back to the Tammy Redemption Tour. She’s in the offices of Tammy Central meeting with a really peculiar “communications expert” who reminds me of Bethenny’s wedding planner, except that guy seemed more normal. This guy is being brought in to help Tammy prepare for her first public speaking engagement where she’s to “empower women”. Do we not already feel empowered by how functional our lives are and how normal our relationships in comparison to the women of Bravo? Do we need special encouragement offsite? Is this going to be a Mo Singer-style lecture in which the speaker chides the audience for their lack of discipline and ambition? So many ways in which this can go wrong.

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