At the McLaughlin Residence, the kids are elsewhere and Mr. PL has come home for a nooner and to give PL a refresher on vacuuming technique. Sadly, though, Puberty Lydia just wants to talk about her potsmoking mom again. I’ve received an excellent suggestion of Puff Mommy for her nickname and I think it works. Anyway. Mr. PL tells Puberty Lydia to relax about Puff Mommy – he thinks her love of the weed is no big deal, and it’s not like she’s taking the kids on field trips in the CannaCab or anything. I really don’t see how Puff Mommy’s evening joint is any different from my mommy’s evening pink wine on ice. I don’t stress about it, and I don’t think PL should either. Plus this has gotten really boring before it’s even started.
Time for fun with Gretch and Shady Slade, in which they are visiting a fertility specialist. Gretch gets all dorky about the vaginal ultrasound wand and she is trying way too hard to make them the Lucy and Desi of the OC. It will never, ever, ever work. Anyway, Dr. Acacia comes in and yes, he does give her the stick and it turns out Gretch’s netherregions are “lush”, “beautiful”, and “plump”, much like many of the products available from the Gretchen Christine Bootay product line. Sounds like some of what Gretch shot into her lips traveled south. However, as fecund as Gretch may be, the fact that Shady Slade got snipped 12 years ago makes a snip reversal a pointless effort for these two. Oh, plus there’s the issue of her age. Isn’t Gretch supposed to be a mere 34ish? Hardly a geriatric pregnancy yet, or so she would have us think. She also claims she arrived on this earth without her own dingaling, so maybe Dr. Acacia knows a lot more than he’s letting on here. Anyway, he recommends IVF. Oh, fun, now we get to watch Desi shoot Lucy up the ass with hormones? Great. Reproduction, reproduction!
On the I-5, Vic is in the back seat with Baby Troy as they head south to San Diego for Ryan’s Marine Ball. Vic is going to babysit so these two can have a night out, and they need it because Ryan has received his much-anticipated deployment orders, and is going to be going to Afghanistan for 11 months. I thought just a week or two ago he was never leaving? Well, anyway. Baby Troy is only six weeks old at this point and Briana is none too sure about stuffing herself into a gown at this juncture, but Vic insists they go and have a good time all night long. A few years ago we stayed at the Hotel Del Coronado in a room right over the entrance and were kept up All. Night. Long. by the revelers at the Marine Ball, so Vic better mean it. Hey, jumbo jumbo! Ryan looks very handsome in his Marine uniform.
Speaking of date nights, Dr. Terry is taking Heather out to dinner to attempt to redeem himself in her eyes. He acknowledges that he was a total ass and crossed the line, and presents Heather with an apology card from the Donn2 Kollection with a heartfelt note that makes Heather cry. It’s a genuine apology, which she accepts. Very sweet. Speaking of making amends, Puberty Lydia has Puff Mommy over to teach her to make lasagna, and takes the moment to praise Puffy’s parenting skills to high heaven. Puff Mommy seems dazed and confused, and so am I. For one thing, what’s with this 180? For another, how exactly did a massively rich Canadian hook up with a hippie dippy citizen of the Land of the Bunnies, and subsequently produce a child who doesn’t know how to cook or vacuum at all when it appears Puff Mommy possesses mad housewifely skills? I don’t really understand people who don’t cook, and I especially don’t understand it when they were raised by people who do. I am hoping we’ve heard the last of Puff Mommy’s wasted ways. There’s a lot more interesting stuff about PL that we’ve not even gotten into, or so I hope.
Back to Tammy’s Redemption, which is really what this is all about, and she’s ready for her big speech. Her mother has come for the occasion and is attired in a tragic housecoat as Tammy applies her spackle. Tammy is concerned that her mom might not want to hear what she has to say, but it wouldn’t be Housewives if Tammy didn’t make someone cry, now would it? Stuffed into a peuce number from the Mo Singer for Vanna White QVC Kollection, Tammy bravely ascends to the dias before an audience of about 37 attendees at this event, a Women’s Expo. I have been approached to attend/sponsor/speak at a Women’s Expo before and oh hell yeah I am so never doing that.
Tammy’s speech gets off to an awkward start when she makes a confusing joke, but then she gets rolling with a confession that she “hides behind her humor and sarcasm” because she is afraid she will not be accepted and liked. Oh, honey. There is no hiding here: you are a full frontal assault of snark. Bite before you get bitten, right? The sordid details of How Tammy Got To Be This Way are: having sex at 14, pregnant at 17, divorced and attempting suicide for the first time at 21. Shit. Then at 30 she met her terribly controlling ex-husband, let him boss her around, and had three more kids before deciding in her 40s that it was time to move on. And now look how fabulous she is! Engaged to an anal-retentive Latino of ambiguous sexual orientation and speaking at desperation conventions. Tammy advises her audience to “be a survivor, not a victim”, which frankly is rather obvious, and to remember that “strong is the new skinny”. This last, you might be interested to know, is the slogan of the fitness program Tammy has licensed to use in her new gym. Golf claps.
Obviously Mama Tammy is a little peeved to basically have been blamed for everything that has gone wrong in the Life of Tammy, and asks whether Tammy tells her kids she loves them every day, like that’s weird. Tammy avers that she does, and wants to know why Mama Tammy didn’t. Well, she wasn’t raised that way, so she didn’t raise her kids that way. Sounds very little pink houses of 1950. The deep insightful takeaway is that after being raised in an emotionally stunted household, Tammy doesn’t know how to express emotion – she bottles it all up until it bursts out in anger. Which is good to know, but the better question is how is she going to fix it? Maybe Tay Armstrong’s sockless therapist can make a house call.
Next time: Lauri Waring Peterson is back, and this time she’s hinting that Tammy bumped uglies with the nubile Fernanda. Tammy and Assy have a beer summit, and it’s time for dueling fake bachelorette parties! Whee!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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