Speaking of the bride, we find ourselves at the BarneyJudge residence, where Tammy is laying out a cheese tray for Puberty Lydia, who rolls up in Lisa Vanderpump’s white convertible Bentley. Tammy greets Lydia at the door with a big hug and my God, woman, you have to cut that hair! It’s Kyle Richards gone oh so wrong. I realized my hair was too long in college when we got photos back from a date dash and it was spilling all over the bar. Haircut time. Tammy ushers her in for the aforementioned cheese tray and pink lemonade in wine glasses, because that’s what you serve children at cocktail hour.
So what Lydia wants to talk about is Assy, in her ongoing efforts to pawn off Lex’s screen time onto someone, anyone else. Lydia thinks that the issues between Tammy and Assy are so ugly and mean that someone needs to change, and she’s right about that. She gently suggests to Tammy that with her “beautiful new life” it’s a shame her gym-unveiling dinner party ended the way it did. Tammy, surprisingly, agrees! She doesn’t even know why she’s upset anymore, and that makes two of us. In fact, when she came out to Assy’s getaway limo and overheard her talking about how she had to go on Xanax because of Housewife Anxiety, Tammy was reminded of her young self, Tammy Jr., and realized she should have more compassion for Assy. Who is this woman? Whoever she is, she’s going to have to call Assy herself because Lydia isn’t going to do it for her. Ohmiword.
Speaking of angry bitches, here comes Gretch in her old Benz, ready to check out some really ugly bikinis with Heather. It seems the two of them are planning a bachelorette getaway for old Tammy Sue and are going to unveil the destination (hot or cold?) with a custom bikini. Oh, stop. Please, please don’t tell me it’s going to have “BRIDE3” emblazoned across the caboose in rhinestones. So chachi. Anyway, this bikini shopping trip is exposing the fault lines in this collaboration: Heather wants to plan an elegant dinner at an art gallery/fine dining establishment; Gretch wants strippers. Heather wants a spa day; Gretch wants strippers. Heather wants a relatively conservative halter; Gretch wants string. And you know, Gretch is a designer, professionally you guys, so really Heather should be deferring to her on the bikini for sure! And it should have a big GC metal logo in the front! We can see where this is going.
On the other side of the Housewife universe, Vic is late and typically disheveled as she meets up with a neat, tidy, and newly manicured Assy for dinner. Vic orders a big glass of wine and Assy orders a pink Greyhound and I sit up very fast and still because that is my favorite ever. Something else Assy and I have in common besides having three kids and names that end in “O”, but I think this third thing may be all there is, or I sure hope so. Anyway, Vic tells Assy that they are all going to Mexico without her in two days, and Assy would normally be tweaked by the unvitation but as it turns out, Assy has received The Call and is heading into the Tammy Summit very, very soon. Fingers crossed, but no she won’t go to Mexico as Vic’s date regardless. Vic can’t really understand all this 3rd wedding fuss with the bridesmaids and shiitake, and yet she’s going to drink a large glass of the Kool-Aid anyway as we soon shall see.
Next it’s time for the Tammy Summit, and Assy and Puberty Lydia arrive together in Assy’s Rolls. Assy is wearing Shake Shack pants and PL is wearing a top from JLo’s Kohl’s collection with Pretty Woman boots. Lookin’ good. Tammy is waiting at the table, sunglasses on so none of the other nonexistent restaurant patrons will recognize or harass her. There are awkward hugs, but not Guidice-Gorga awkward. More like tall-small awkward. Puberty Lydia orders a lemon drop and oddly does not get carded. It’s like she’s Justin Bieber or something. She then starts the conversation about how she knows Tammy and Assy both want to move on. Tammy takes over and explains that when when Assy first arrived at the gym party, she really was having such a nice interaction with her. Then all the other hens started squawking, it irritated her, and she impusively got explosive all over Assy’s booby self. And she’s sorry: nobody should hurt like Assy does, she says, and she wants to break this cycle.
Assy looks stunned, like a raccoon caught in a garbage can. She gets a little weepy and says while she doesn’t expect everyone to like her, she doesn’t understand why they have to be so angry at her. And therein really lies the issue, because Assy is a bit of an ass but that doesn’t mean it has to niggle at everyone as much as it does. It’s not like she’s sitting at the next cubicle snuffling and snorting her snot or anything. THAT can make a girl legitimately homicidal. Being an ass should just be something to laugh at behind her back. With a détente reached, Tammy suggests to Assy that they keep this between the three of them for now so nobody gets tempted to stir it up. Assy thinks Tammy seems truly sorry, and she does. Tammy has realized this anger is not healthy. And it makes you look old, too!