We join Mr. Andy and the ladies on the set of Laverne and Shirley after they moved to California, and our women are a veritable rainbow today. Starting on the left couch, the least important Housewife, Assy, is seated on the end attired in a tightness of tangerine tango with a blingy necklace competing with the overkill of straps around the neck area. Next we have Tammy, seated in the middle in a fuchsia strapless number and looking quite petite. Especially in comparison to Vic, seated at the right hand of Mr. Andy in a peachy shift with what I thought were sparkly buttons down the front that turns out to be a weird necklace. This getup is giving Vic major uniboob. She needs a stylist.
On the right, the outer position is occupied by Jem in grey and a blingy hippie headband. In the middle is Heather, clad in an indigo dress she helpfully identified on Twitter as being Victoria Beckham and a lot of corresponding blue eyeshadow. Her eyes are done a lot lighter than usual which is kind of nice, but it’s very very 7th grade. And then in the pole position we have Gretch and what in hell is that? Gretch is wearing a flowy chiffon number in seafoam, and it has: a band around the neck, one long sleeve, a sparkly belt, and one sparkly cuff. Mr. Andy calls it pageant but I think that fails to fully describe this getup; I’d call it Karen Carpenter meets I Dream of Jeannie for Mattel. And something strange is going on with Gretch’s face, specifically the eyes. They seem a little puffy and uneven. Now that Slimey Slade is again unemployed I wonder if he’s back to styling her wigs.
Mr. Andy lobs a few softballs to the Dowager Empress of the OC to start: is Vic divorced YET? (no); did Tammy sleep in the pee-pee bed? (yes). Vic points out that the pee was pure alcohol anyway, which causes Heather to remark that someone could have “huffed it”. Ew. From here, it’s all downhill. First, Nobody Likes Gretchen.
Nobody Likes Gretchen
Mr. Andy asks Tammy if she currently trusts Gretch as a friend, and after a long pause Tammy says “No.” SNAP! Why? Inconsistencies and lies, my friends. Tammy says she is sad about it and Gretch says she’s sad, too. She also thinks Vic drove a wedge between them, especially in Mexico, and we get sidetracked with a discussion about why it was mean to leave Heather and Gretch at the restaurant and go out boozing, and whether Vic’s drunken slurry comment that her “plan worked” was an offhand remark or pure vicious meannness. Gretch struggles to form the word “animosity” and all the ladies, and Mr. Andy, hop in to help her sound it out.
But getting back to the real action, which is the “inconsistencies and lies” – Mr. Andy is not going to let that one go without details. Tammy thinks Gretch is two-faced and starts rumors. Gretch insists whatever shit she’s talking about someone she says to their face, but Vic and Tammy disagree. Like the 12 guys burgers and fries thing about Vic – Gretch only acknowledged she’d been talking it up when she was confronted. Gretch blames Lauri for that one.
Mr. Andy changes tacks and asks Tammy about what she said on the 100th episode about the long ago allegations that Gretch cheated on her dying elderly fiance, Jeff, and we’re treated to a flashback in which we again get to see how terrible Gretch’s skin used to be and how wildly overhauled she looks now. Does Tammy believe Gretch’s version of events on that? No, Tammy does not, because she herself saw Gretch sitting on her alleged boyfriend’s lap kissing him while her engagement ring was in her purse and Jeff was in the hospital. Ooooh, burn! Gretch is outraged – it was a party and lots of people were there so why didn’t anyone else see this? AND, it was New Year’s Eve and she kissed like 12 guys with burgers and fries, so there!
Jem wants to know what Assy thinks about this, because she was actually friends with Gretch at the time and presumably has some inside scoop. Assy is initially reluctant to pile on, but this is the reunion and piling on is the name of the game, so what the hell, she’s in. And Assy saw Gretch sitting on the same alleged boyfriend’s lap on a BOAT, and they were holding hands. But she didn’t see kissing which is why she didn’t report this earlier. So basically Gretch has been busted sitting on this guy’s lap in a whole bunch of different places. Gretch thinks this is crazy, because she sits on all her guy friends’ laps and kisses all her guy friends, and for that matter Heather kisses her friend David so it’s the same! Except David has a wife and Heather has a husband and both of those people are there kissing too. It’s like a key party.
Now Tammy is mad that she has been taking all this heat for having reported Gretch’s naughtiness over the years, and pulls out The File. The File appears to have printouts of photos and maybe even emails, taking a page from Gretch’s Fox5 File playbook. Tammy insists that over time she was ready and willing to let Gretch’s naughtiness fade into the background, but that she always believed it happened. Gretch is so sad because she thought Tammy believed her. And for that matter, Tammy talks out both sides of her mouth because Vic texted Tammy and called Gretch the “c” word. Vic doesn’t know how she got dragged back into this and insists she would never use that ugly word, but Gretch is certain this is all Vic’s fault and insists Vic is cruel to her. Vic clarifies that she wants the best for Gretch but they aren’t friends. Tammy clarifies that Vic couldn’t give a shit about Gretch, which is true. Vic accuses Gretch of being loose with facts and Gretch replies that she texted an apology for her cracks about Vic’s plastic surgery but she DIDN’T CHEAT ON JEFF. Now there’s a lot of shrieking and squealing about the trial (because the alleged boyfriend eventually sued Gretch for stuff I have never been able to sort out) which Gretch seems to think vindicates her, and Gretch’s insistence that they were ONLY FRIENDS! Whatever the truth may be, nobody likes Gretch and that’s a fact.