Jem Is My Name
Mr. Andy changes subjects to visit with our newest Housewife, Jem. Jem surprises the world by announcing she believes herself to be a genius and enjoys it when people underestimate her. Mr. Andy reads a critical viewer comment about Jem, pointing out that she is so in the middle of the pot her name should be Spoon. Jem doesn’t like BS and talks through her thoughts, is her explanation. People don’t like Jem?
Oh yes, people don’t like Jem. For starters, her supposed friend Assy is hurt that Jem tried to downplay their friendship when she was first getting rolling. Jem just didn’t think they were as close as Assy did, it seems, which makes sense as Assy’s relationships just don’t ever seem to be all that deep.
Second, it turns out that Heather cannot STAND Jem. Heather is still mad about the Beverly Hills Lifestyle cover that wasn’t, and particularly that Jem and Mr. Jem laughed about it. Loosen up, Fancypants: if your business is magazines and all you hear all day long is people asking to be on your cover, of course when the 7,654th person demands to be on your cover you would laugh about it. Who did end up on that cover? Marilyn Monroe, who may be dead but is an icon. But MM only got eight pages inside, while Jem herself got TEN, observes Heather. Heather’s house did end up in the same issue, as it turns out, and how many pages did she get? No one says.
Mr. Andy points out that Lady Pump has gotten on the cover, and what’s the difference between Lady Pump and Heather? Lydia points out that Lisa has been a contributor through the entire lifetime of the magazine, and also did Dancing With The Stars (after the cover, observes Heather, but nonetheless she was a big enough “star” to merit DWTS selection) and after all, Lisa’s IMDb ranking is higher than Heather’s. OH SNAP! Heather is going to kill her. I think it’s also worth noting that Lisa owns two establishments actually located in Beverly Hills and has her own TV show specifically about one of those places, and actually lives in BH which Heather does not. Not that any of this matters to Heather. Things continue to unravel with what Heather perceives to be Jem’s judgy comments about male strippers and Jem’s perception that Heather’s blog was “vicious”. Heather, who already acknowledged it was mean and apologized on the phone, apologizes again but Jem is still not sure she means it. Heather’s eyes are bulging right out of her pointy little face while she demands to know whether Jem requires her to “pop a vein” to prove she means it. Time to move on, Mr. Andy! He is wearing saddle shoes and I love them.
12 Guys Burgers Fries and Lauri
After a commercial break Lauri joins us, and she is wearing grape, a new hue on the Housewife couch. The dress is dreadful but at least Lauri looks marginally better than she did on her episodes this season, which isn’t saying a lot because that broad was haggard. Mr. Andy asks about her family and Lauri shows photos of her granddaughter, troubled son Josh’s kid. Josh is doing well, she reports. Mr. Andy next wants to know why the gloves came off this season because during Lauri’s first run she seemed so “soft-spoken”. Lauri says that her second marriage really dragged her down, but her third to George has brought back her confidence.
So down to brass tacks: have Lauri and Vic spoken since the ill-fated trip to Canada? No. Vic has made good on her refusal to have a sit down, but we’re sitting down here so she explains the Email From George’s Former Mother-in-Law. It seems the FMIL sent Vic this email purportedly out of “concern” for Vic’s friend, Lauri, and what she was getting into with George. Vic did not know what to do with this random email and the tidbits therein, and made the mistake of sharing it with Jeana Keough to get some input. Lauri claims Vic shared it with the whole wide county but Vic insists Jeana’s the one who did that. Vic acknowledges she handled it wrong, but insists it wasn’t done out of malice, unlike Lauri’s revelations this season, 7 years later. Tammy asks Lauri directly how this email situation affected her, and Lauri says it was embarrassing to George. Vic starts shrieking that the stuff Lauri said about HER was not just embarrassing, but harmful to her professionally and she lost clients and income over it.
Gretch leaps in and demands to know why it’s okay for Vic to do stuff but no one else can. Vic insists that she apologized to Gretch three years ago and they should be over it, but Gretch is still mad that Vic told a lie about her and THEN apologized. This Gretch is like one of her little dogs, yip yap yip yip yap.
Back to Lauri: Lauri says she thinks Vic was jealous of her happiness and trying to sabotage her marriage to George. Vic insists she was never jealous, she’s just a hopeless romantic and wants the same sort of happiness for herself. I think these two need a little lesson in the difference between jealousy and envy. Envy is when you want to deprive someone of something you want for yourself, and that seems to be what Lauri accuses Vic of. Jealousy is just when you want it too, and in that case, yes, Vic is a jealous bitch. Lauri thinks Vic wanted to push George out of the picture and only have “girl time”. Hasn’t Vic already acknowledged that her marriage was bad at the time so yes, she wanted to have fun with her girlfriends since couple fun wasn’t an option? Nothing really wrong with that.
Now there’s a whole lotta shouting about what Tammy said last reunion about Vic fornicating in Cabo on Donn1 (turns out Tammy acknowledges the “naked” part was an exaggeration), Lauri’s exaggerations about the porn star, and rumors Vic has repeated that there was cheating and a possible separation between Lauri and George (I heard them too). Vic just wants Lauri to leave her alone as she has left Lauri alone for seven years, and that’s that. Here’s hoping.
Next time: everyone piles on Gretch some more, except Jem who goes after Heather again while she isn’t looking. Two more “epic” parts to come!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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