Let’s get back into it, shall we, where for some reason Mr. Andy is asking Assy what Jumbo’s best body part is and she alludes to him having a big shlong (he wears a size 14 shoe, she says). Gross. Also, Jem clarifies that she’s not comfortable with her mom hitting the bong all the time because it’s no different from being drunk all the time, and Vic tells us she’s never been around weed. Thank you for that, Vicki Gunvalson.
Let’s talk about Tammy for a bit, shall we? Before we pile back on Gretch.
Tammy
Since Tammy’s getting a spinoff, Mr. Andy asks her about her new emotional side and deep well of tawdry secrets exposed this season. Vic looks like a giant Monsanto cantaloupe next to her tiny Barbie friend on the couch. After Mr. Andy plays a recap of Tammy’s tragic anecdotes, the giant melon shares that she was hurt that Tammy went through all this. She was hurt? Is this supposed to be about how Tammy’s tragic past affected Vic? Tammy tells us that none of her husbands or kids knew about all this, and that Eddie (who was raised in foster care) has been very accepting while Ryan struggles like she does, poor kid. Tammy was raised by a mean mom in a sad home and it’s easier for her to be a bitch than a nice person, but she’s trying. Mr. Andy asks Assy if she felt Tammy’s attempt to repair their relationship was genuine, because some viewers didn’t think so, and Assy says it was sincere and that receiving an apology meant more to her than anything. That’s nice.
Mr. Andy next asks about the 100th episode and whether any of the wives now regret any of their plastic surgery looking back on their old selves. Vic acknowledges that her hair this season was perfectly hideous. I don’t think Vic’s ever had good hair but her overgrown rat’s nest is always going to stand in sharp contrast to her castmates’ overstyled wigs. Vic also explains that she had her face overhauled just one week before the moved-up start date for filming and that she knows she looked like a freak. Mr. Andy asks Gretch whether seeing old scenes of Jo with Slade was awkward (no), whether she “broke girl code” by taking up with her old friend’s ex (no, because they really didn’t know each other that well), and what happened to the Rolls (she didn’t keep it, or they didn’t let her, same difference).
So let’s get back to Gretch, shall we?
Gretch Should Go Eat Worms
Because it hasn’t been belabored enough we start in again with Assy being invited dress shopping. Tammy says she told Gretch she didn’t want Assy there because that’s what Gretch wanted to hear as a jealous friend. Gretch pulls out her Trapper Keeper full of emails and texts from Tammy saying she was faking being nice to Assy and Vic and starts reading them. Tammy looks slightly panicked and some of the ladies are a little freaked out. Heather tries to interrupt but Gretch cuts her off, telling her she’s next so get in line. Tammy tells Gretch that she is “so difficult to be friends with”, which certainly seems to be the case. Gretch thinks Tammy is “missing it”, “it” apparently being that Gretch is the only one who’s honest and she suffers for it, oh how she suffers. Assy confirms that Tammy did in fact tell her that she didn’t want Gretch to know they were on friendly terms because Gretch “exhausts” her. Tammy also tells us that after Eddie proposed Tammy was on the receiving end of a four-hour chain of texts complaining that the proposal was supposed to be Gretch’s, and whaddya know but the next week the same rant shows up in Life & Style or something. Mr. Andy confirms that no one paid Eddie to propose, so that’s the end of that rumor.
Next, Mr. Andy brings up the much-discussed, never-seen and now-cancelled Malibu Country. (Deep breath.) Heather has the floor to explain this shiitake. It seems that there were TWO parts on Malibu Country: first, a walk-on cameo which was tossed out to whichever Housewife might be available (first come, first served, as it were) to appear as herself; and second, a specific part written just for Heather which, when created by the executive producers, meant the elimination of the walk-on entirely. Apparently both Gretch and Assy at least got calls about the walk-on part, and Gretch unnecessarily plays the voicemail from her agent to prove it and gets all semantical about whether it was real or pretend or whatever. Heather acknowledges that there may have been some confusion about the whole thing, but that her objection was that Gretch seemed to be using it as a cudgel to manipulate Tammy over the dress shopping excursion. Gretch insists she really thought she was giving up an opportunity to go to the store, but Tammy insists she told Gretch to do the show and not go shopping, and then when she did come all she did was pout the whole time and stalk off ranting to Slimey afterward. Good times!
Heather then goes off on Gretch for the theatrical way she read the “condenscending” text she received from Heather explaining the mixup, and claims she painted Heather’s attempts to clarify the confusion in a bad light. Despite all this, Gretch says she still considers Heather a friend, and Jem too. (Whether they agree remains unconfirmed.) She wants to be friends with Tammy (bracelet time), but she can’t move on from some unspecified “bad things” when it comes to Assy. Assy says she thinks Gretch picks her friends according to convenience and suitability for her purposes, and she, Assy, has been dispensed with as no longer required. Tammy tells us she thought her friendship with Gretch was sincere, but it’s hard because when something happens Tammy has to fix it and Gretch never really apologizes for her part in things. That’s because it’s never her part, you guys! Always right and never wrong.
The B Word
Finally, Mr. Andy moves on to Assy, and the “b” word: bullying. Does Assy still think she was bullied? Or did she maybe, just maybe, stretch the word to fit? Assy doesn’t think it matters, that a full year of being piled on was outrageous, and now she just wants Gretch to take responsibility for her behavior. Gretch is clapping and I want Mr. Andy to smack her. Heather tells Assy that her complaint about the pink gym party is that Assy spun everything out of control into a worse situation. Assy insists she came to the gym to make peace with Tammy and everyone else, and Gretch interrupts that she finds this “confusing”. “Everything is confusing to you! Assy retorts, and they trade accusations of being fake on camera.
Which brings us to Gretch’s big fat radio-and-helicopter proposal. Vic thinks it was staged for the cameras, and Tammy agrees. Heather and Jem do, too: Gretch’s “story” this season wasn’t looking so good, so she decided to take a page from the Bachelor playbook and ask Slimey to be her mister. This causes Gretch to break down in an even phonier bout of weepy hysterics because these bitches are “taking away from my special moment!!” Where are the tears, Gretch? Where are the tears? Everyone takes pity and explains that they don’t doubt Gretch and Slimey’s love, they just doubt the timing and contrivance of the airborne, camera-ready proposal. It just seemed fake, plus they all know Slimey actually proposed last spring, right? Gretch shows off the ring she and Slimey designed together which still looks suspiciously like Jo’s ring even if Jo says it isn’t. Gretch says her real regret is that Assy wasn’t there for the proposal party because she was so supportive of their relationship even when no one else was. Assy is flabbergasted that Gretch would say this after how horribly she’s treated her. Gretch did drive the hatchet into that friendship, that’s for sure.
Next time: it’s all about Vic, Briana, and Donn2. And Vic quits! Don’t tease us, girl!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/This-Little-Mama/245392435770