Mr. Andy starts like he usually does with a softball, this one to Heather about her recently sold house. It wasn’t sold on purpose, she tells us; was it sold by accident? Not really that, either – it seems someone rang their doorbell with an offer they couldn’t refuse. So now they are underway building a new Chateau Dubrow, this one a with a room for Colette. Yes it’s bigger, and yes she loves it better. Staying on the Heather topic, Mr. Andy asks about the awkward marital crisis we all were forced to witness this season. Heather says it all started over the onion rings, really, and the point that she’s always the one who bends when he could bend over occasionally, too. As a married woman I get what she’s saying.
Mr. Andy then turns to Mrs. Jumbellino to ask whether the unusually flawless marital picture portrayed this season could possibly have been real. Assy says that they have been the victims of editing in the past, having their happy, silly, normal moments edited out, so yes this season they were determined not to let anything slip that would be anything less than ideal. Tammy says she thought they seemed a little staged, which is basically what Assy just said. And although she’s usually an idiot I think there are an awful lot of Housewives who could take a page from the Bellino book: if you don’t want to be made too look like an asshat on camera, don’t act like an asshat on camera. You might be boring but you won’t be embarrassed.
Rounding things out, Mr. Andy asks Tammy about her phony cold-feet storyline this season and how nicely things have transitioned into a limited-run series for her and Eddie. We see a montage of wedding planning and my husband is astounded to learn that Tammy’s PFD’s are actually post-implant-removal. It does seem a little hard to believe that there’s nothing in there, doesn’t it? Anyway, Tammy is getting plenty from Eddie who’s spending more time at the gym and less on the bike; she’s changed her name to Tammy Judge; and all her interactions with Simon are via text, which strikes me as really sad. How can you successfully co-parent kids without speaking to each other? I know people do this but it just seems so hard, and disadvantageous to the kids.
So let’s get down to the only real thing that’s left to talk about, and that’s how pathetic Vic is. Here comes Briana, who looks terrific. She’s happy to be a mom and tells us that Vic wakes that baby up every night at 1 am when she gets home from work, and that says everything a person needs to know about Vic Gunvalson. Never, never, ever wake a sleeping baby! Selfish and flies in the face of everyone’s best interests. Ryan is currently in Afghanistan and should be home in October. Who knows when he’ll be deployed again, but he’ll retire in 9 years and then sell insurance for Vic. There’s a plan. Mr. Andy asks about the incident with Puff Mommy. Briana explains that Vic is very territorial about her home, that Ryan picked up on it, and that she’s not going to get into talking about or for Ryan except to say that he was very stressed out at the time and the situation imploded. Oh, and she herself spent the rest of the night scrubbing mud and red wine off the couch. Jem’s eyebrows go way up but Briana insists she’s not insinuating it was Puff Mommy’s fault, just that dirt happened. She has since moved out.
A nice segue to: the tragic ballad of Vic and Donn2. What is the state of their relationship, Mr. Andy inquires? It’s a yo-yo relationship, says Vic: he moved across the country to be with her, but then isn’t really allowed to be with her per Briana, and is having to travel back and forth to see his own kids, therefore they are having an open relationship because he insists on being able to fork whoever will lie still long enough for him to get it in there. Briana clarifies that it’s not that Donn2 wasn’t allowed in the house, it’s that he wasn’t allowed around Briana, Ryan, and Troy, because he’s a foul dirtbag who engages in shocking, disrespectful behavior and cannot be trusted. Here we go.
Vic refuses to answer these allegations except to divert attention to Donn1 and son Mike who were also disrespectful to her so who cares if Donn2 is as well? Briana smugly suggests her mother should attempt to break this pattern. Vic acknowledges that Donn2 has been disrespectful to her, but it’s “not an everyday thing” and has never been physical. When you start offering that as an encouraging sign, Vic, you are basically acknowledging that otherwise it’s as bad as it gets. Briana informs the world that Donn2 has talked to her about his dick size and his nickname, Girth Brooks, which causes Vic to storm off and treat us all to an unfortunate view of her colossal peplum-topped melon caboose. Why are people falling for this peplum trend? It is so cheesy and works on no one!
Vic hobbles back to the couch as fast as her straightjacket will permit, and here comes the man himself, Donn2, down the Laverne & Shirley stairs. Donn2 says he has no idea what has just been discussed because he wasn’t listening, but how nice it is to see Briana who he hasn’t seen since her wedding last fall. Donn2 seems to think the problem is that he sent Vic an email in 2007 professing his undying love and that must have hurt Briana as she was a mere child at the time. Briana laughs out loud and tells Donn2 that that incident wasn’t even on the list of complaints she has – next!