Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 6/8/15

Has it already been a year? Can it really be that time when the original Housewives – the ones with the really blonde hair who wear the really tight tank tops emblazoned with the really sparkly rhinestone crucifixes – land back on the airwaves with a resounding thud? Did my bargaining session with God not work nearly as well as I thought it had?

(Dear God: I know you’re incredibly busy and all with the rampant rising racism spreading through our cities and the growth of ISIS and the reboot of Full House, but I’m a very sweet girl and I only tell people who really deserve it to f*ck off and I even recently started running so I’d live longer and look better in a bikini and I think that very clearly illustrates just how hard I try to be a good person. Anyway, I don’t mean to take up your time, but if you can see to it that the Orange County Housewives never return to our airwaves, I’d really appreciate it. And – as a contingency plan – should you have already bartered with Sir Andy Cohen the way I believe you must have and the show is once again a go, could you maybe fling Vicki Gunvalson into a bubbling volcano before production officially starts? Because I’ve waded my way through painful deaths of people I love and confusing levels of heartbreak and accidental viewings of that new Bravo show about the t*t-enhanced women of Long Island that the network snuck into the sneak peak of The Real Housewives of New York, but I’m not sure that I’m really strong enough to watch Vicki discuss her love tank ever again and – just in case reincarnation is real – no version of me in any other lifetime will have the strength either. Thanks again, God. And thank you for the blessings you’ve already bestowed unto me, such as knowing how to be loyal to those I care for and for having my own set of t*ts that need no enhancement whatsoever. Please tell my dad and my grandmothers that I said hello. Amen.)

So that was my prayer – and the result is that Vicki Gunvalson is back on my television screen whoo-hooing all over the place and by her side is her revolting boyfriend who now lives with her and that means I’m going to have to 1) widen my eyes when he slithers his way across her brown foyer in a way that makes his image blurry to me so my psyche need not suffer more than it already has and 2) become an atheist because it’s frustrating when prayers are not answered.

Yes, my friends, the OC ladies are back, and before we trudge our way into the first episode of a brand new season, let’s revisit some of what the returning Housewives and I have in common and what makes each, um, special: