Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 6/8/15

The only thing sadder than the décor and the location is that the closest friend Tamra has left shows up to support this new baby – and it’s Lynne Curtain, the former Housewife. How can I say this nicely…? I can’t. Lynne is still dumber than the box of rifle shells half the party guests just happen to have in their pockets and she has a daughter who does porn and seeing her just makes me feel things inside that might be sadness or maybe it’s an inner voice telling me to get my tubes tied so I never even have to end up in the vicinity of a shower like this one or maybe it’s a pulling away from that atheism I contemplated so I can thank God for not making me Lynne Curtain.

And now it’s time to talk about Shannon and David. Remember how at the Reunion Shannon declared that her marriage was well on its way to being fixed and that David recently expounded on his burgeoning levels of appreciation for his wife? Yeah, that didn’t last. Shannon and David are a giant mess as a couple and no cleansed crystals hung up in the proper feng shui pattern is going to fix an iota of the sh*t these two are wading through without even a walking stick.

David looks creepier than ever. I’m not sure if it’s his steely-eyed glances or his almost tangible air of misery or how I’m certain that I once saw him as a suspect on an episode of Dateline, but I am remarkably put off by the guy. Shannon, looking wounded and weak and broken – and still for some reason willing to deal with all of this misery on camera – reveals that none of her friends know just how bad it’s gotten in her marriage lately and once again, I have to wonder why secrecy is so heavily guarded BEFORE IT’S TELEVISED TO THE WORLD. Alas, it will be aired to whomever turns to Bravo, and Shannon is hoping that a couple’s retreat might be the answer for them and that she hopes that the experience will “solidify David’s commitment to the marriage,” and now anyone with ears knows the guy’s been cheating. The adultery is confirmed moments later, and we get to hear all about how Shannon had an inkling and heard him on the phone with another person and found the hotel room receipts and that divorce is not an option. Now listen: we all must make the choices we think are right for ourselves and for our family, but you and your husband can’t stand each other. You might love each other, but you do not harbor any like for one another in your heart. You have been wildly miserable for years. You have aired your issues to the masses. Your kids know everything you have ever pretended in your moments of fleeting strength that you can hide from them. He cheated on you, and not just one time. Perhaps divorce should be an option.

David reveals at the retreat that he felt a new life within him during the affair, but he feels terribly about what he did to his family. Shannon reveals that she never had unconditional love from her mother and that she is emotionally wasting away to almost nothing despite hanging up those crystals. David looks exhausted and weary and Shannon cannot wait for the moment when she can finally say that all of this pain was really the truest of blessings.

And if we’re placing bets, I’d like to bet one hundred bucks and a cleansed crystal that the magical moment will magically occur during part seven of the Reunion.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.