At the party, Brooks opens the door for Tamra and Eddie and they ask him about how he is feeling and everyone is being exceedingly polite. Lizzie and Tamra greet one another warily, but the old anger dissipates over dinner when they talk about anal sex, because nothing brings women together like anal sex can. Shannon arrives and immediately requests vodka and then we all learn that Vicki’s backyard exists in a wormhole that whirls us without warning right into the past because in walks Jeana, the Housewife from the first few seasons, she of the Cheshire cat smug grin, the gorgeous children, and the tendency to take the sides of the men over that of the women. Last time I remember seeing Jeana, she had a drink thrown into her face by Tamra and she was rather heavy. Now she is teeny weeny skinny and she and Tamra greet each other with a warm embrace and just as I was considering the possibility that perhaps I’d imagined the flying red wine and the damaged corneas and all those extra pounds Jeana once carried, Tamra informs us that Jeana reached out to her during her recent custody dispute and was very kind and then Jeana shows off her incredibly shrunken ass and I’m relieved that I haven’t hallucinated Housewife moments and happy for Jeana that she appears blissfully content. I’ve heard that she’s going to be appearing on this show a lot this season and my guess is that she won’t stay this calm and supportive, so we should enjoy the silence right f*cking now.
Speaking of silence, David is not saying a word at the party. No, even as Vicki is saying to him that he should look at her while she’s talking to him, he cannot pull his gaze from Shannon. He is staring at her as though he has been lobotomized and it’s insanely creepy that this is his version of complete devotion because it won’t last and also? The guy hasn’t blinked in three full minutes. I’m concerned for his retinas!
Shannon reveals that she has told Vicki some details of David’s affair, but nobody else knows anything because she wanted to keep it private – which, again, she says to a camera. Might she believe that she’s the only person she knows who owns that weird thing called a television? I mean, everybody will know about the affair because you are telling them and allowing them to watch your husband to perform your fake eulogy and anybody tuning in to Bravo will see how your children react to their father asking them for forgiveness. It’s all just very strange, but I read somewhere that Shannon and David agreed to put this all on camera to hopefully help other struggling couples. If that’s actually true, good for them – but I’d caution those struggling couples that they should flip to another channel in just a moment when Shannon, the Zen goddess, flips out when Meghan walks through the backyard. Might I suggest you conflicted couples turn to ABC and watch The Bachelorette so you can see images of a love that’s real and lasting? But come back to Bravo soon or you’ll miss the charming interlude during which Tamra and Brooks discuss how big a fan Eddie is of the Dutch Oven.
Okay, so I’ve spent the last two episodes really rooting for Shannon. She doesn’t come across as an incendiary-for-no-reason asshole like Brandi on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and she’s not completely delusional and outwardly nasty like Kim, who is Brandi’s best friend on that series. No, Shannon just appears sad, and it’s hard not to wish her well when she appears so broken and then reiterates just how very broken she feels. If you’re not a total assh*le who was born without decency, you have to feel just a wee bit of compassion for a woman like Shannon – at least until Shannon illustrates that she’s not just broken, but that she’s kind of meanly crazy too.
It’s Meghan’s presence that moves vodka-sipping Shannon into vodka-glugging-and-eyes-flashing Shannon. See, at Heather’s party (that took place about a year ago), Meghan walked up to the bar where David was standing with Vicki and introduced herself. I know. What a bitch! Anyway, Shannon immediately viewed Meghan as a flirty threat and she and David argued about the blonde stranger right there at the bar and now, like a boomerang flung by Satan himself, that blonde is in another backyard with Shannon and David and Shannon looks like she’s about to go catatonic. She recovers when Meghan walks over and reintroduces herself to both of them, but you should also know that in this case “recover” means that Shannon flashes her teeth to Meghan like my dog does when I try to clean the goop from her eyes and then Shannon also doesn’t blink for a good long while and the woman legitimately looks like she has been stun-gunned and I’m nervous here because if Shannon is this threatened by Meghan – a woman who met David once and has just shown up at a party with her very own husband who just happens to be a professional baseball player – the future does not bode well for Shannon and David because there might be some real threats out there and she’d better save up that energy so she can harness it when it’s actually necessary.
As they all sit down to dinner, Brooks suggests that Vicki say the prayer before they eat, but Vicki tells him that he should do it since he is “the leader of the house,” which would be a very sweet thing to say in kind of a fifties housewife kind of way had she not already announced to the masses that Brooks has absolutely zero equity in this house and that she could basically toss him out onto the front lawn if she so chooses. Still, they all bow their heads and Brooks says grace and I almost cannot stand how excited I am for the day when Tamra leads the prayer session since now she’s found God.
Sitting at the end of the table, Shannon feels uncomfortable. First of all, that homewrecker Meghan is there, laughing with her own husband. Then she has to watch as Tamra and Vicki, former friends and then enemies and then friends again and then enemies six more times, begin to enjoy one another’s company and Shannon is seriously not amused. And now she must go on a trip to Napa with Tamra and Heather – her foes? She is really not looking forward to it and to that I say this: don’t go. Say you’re busy. Pretend to be sick. How difficult could it possibly be to fake gout?
Before the party can actually end, it’s piñata time! I’m not so sure I’d hand too many of those women a stick and give them the instructions to beat something, but it all goes well and Meghan crushes the thing and alcohol explodes from the inner cavity of the pink papier-mâché donkey. Drunk as can be, Vicki and Tamra have moved beyond punching each other in the throat and are now holding hands and Shannon is repulsed and confronts Vicki about it and Vicki tells her calmly that she just wants peace but she will never forget the things Tamra has said about her man.
Yes, it’s on to the portion of the episode I shall call Brooks: Vicki’s Man – Part VII, Tamra’s Apology Tour. During this installment of a relationship that refuses to just die, Tamra and Vicki sit together and tell one another about how badly they want to be friends again. They each blame the other for what happened and we see petrifying flashbacks to the time Vicki screamed into Tamra’s face in a manner so high-pitched and hysterical that only a dead Yorkie might have understood the meaning behind the shrieks. But face screaming aside, Vicki will forgive Tamra as long as Tamra “shuts her mouth” and doesn’t talk about her man and Tamra agrees to those terms.
As for Vicki’s Man, here’s what I want to say: I wish Vicki’s Man a speedy and complete recovery from cancer because it is a truly hellish disease that nobody deserves. I hope Vicki’s Man never again recommends beating the sh*t out of a woman to keep her in line, especially if the woman in question is his girlfriend’s daughter. I’d prefer if Vicki’s Man kept both Vicki and Tamra inside as much as possible so we are only able to hear the faint strains of the whoo hoos coming through the walls during cocktail hour. And should there be a procedure available that allows a surgeon to extract the almost tangible veil of smarminess from his countenance, I’d like to offer to pay for that procedure for Vicki’s Man.
And so, the episode ends on the reincarnated friendship between Vicki and Tamra. In my own life, I have never had a friendship so fraught with discord and I have never had a relationship with anybody that has required as many apologies as this televised one, but they have once again declared that they have one another’s back.
I guess we shall see what ends up happening with those two. As a cynic who has just gotten more cynical from watching these reality shows, my guess is that the resurrected friendship will eventually implode in a rather spectacular fashion and I’d like to put a thousand bucks down that it will happen late in the season when the women are on yet another vacation.
And I’d like to bet another thousand that it’ll be either the University of Michigan or UNC who Duke slaughters in the final round.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.
As always, loved your recap. I have never understood “I will forgive but not forget” statement, to me that sounds more like a warning than a forgiving and I have never understood why people would go to counseling with a bunch of strangers where you are barring your soul and or heartbreak but I’m kind of socially awkward and I would certainly be awkwarder (shout out to Kristen RHONY for her use of royaler) in that type of a situation.