On another day in yet another sprawling home, Heather is working with her son on his school assignment to build a model of a house that I hope will eventually have less expensive cabinets than the behemoth of the home the kid will actually get to live in sometime in the next quarter century. We also get treated to Heather interacting affectionately with her youngest daughter as her husband continuously bellows “Coco!” at the child, begging her for a kiss, but the kid has already how to learned how to play hard to get by withholding her affections, a skill I’d bet some of the Housewives ask their nannies to teach their children after they go over how to write their names so that one day they can sign credit card receipts or contracts to appear on their very own reality show.
And then, just as things seem sunny, David and Shannon appear onscreen and any sort of breeziness in tone is wiped clean the moment they walk into their home, both of them dressed entirely in black. They were just at some kind of conference where David in particular was taught a couple of important things:
1. Parents should listen to their children.
2. Before saying one negative thing to someone, you should preface the conversation by first saying several glowing things to cushion the upcoming criticism. Sure, such a practice will make every single conversation you ever have last longer, but on the positive side, all you really have to say to anyone is, “You’re not nearly as insane as Shannon,” and then launch into the matter at hand. The compliment that celebrates you for being less crazy than the current craziest Housewife can work in almost every kind of scenario – unless you’re speaking directly to Shannon and then I just recommend that you try not to look afraid or ask her for her private phone number or inquire if she’s ever done a single thing for charity.
Parenting lessons aside, Shannon is angry with David and that means it’s a Monday. Why is she angry? David thinks it’s because he said that he would call her and he didn’t and he believes she’s annoyed because not calling her wasn’t respectful. The guy is wrong here. That phone call wasn’t about a phone call; it was about knowing where he was because she doesn’t trust him after he cheated on her. She’s also upset because she asked him to compile a list of restaurants that he went to with “his affair” so that she won’t be surprised anymore (you know how loudly restaurants can scream “surprise!” at a scorned woman who sometimes hallucinates) and I guess he left a restaurant or two off the list, which has devastated her.
Watching these two people makes me feel like I’m dying inside just a little bit.
Up north, Tamra is at Ryan and Sarah’s house and everyone is excited and anxious about the birth of the new baby. Arriving at the hospital in the teeming rain, a home video captures footage of the waiting and Tamra uses the time to ponder how her child will change once he becomes a father. We eventually get to see the baby covered in the goop of afterbirth and then get swaddled in a blanket and she looks like a very nice baby who can one day show her therapist the moment where it all started.
And since this is apparently the Family Episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, we journey next to the beach where Meghan and LeAnn, Hayley’s mother, arrive at a hotel suite they booked so that Hayley and her friends can get ready for their winter formal in style because how could one possibly be expected to apply mascara in a place with no room service? The way Meghan and Jim’s ex-wife get along is seriously impressive – and I’m speaking as a person who had a mother and a stepmother who battled like they were characters in a nighttime soap opera, except neither one of them removed an earring before talking on the phone – as is the way Meghan astutely analyzes Hayley’s harsh actions and reactions towards her mother. Meghan thinks that Hayley is emotionally distancing herself from her mother so that the pain of eventually losing her might prove less severe and the whole thing is very sad, but Meghan might have pegged the issue perfectly.
Also, Hayley looks thirty which means that Shannon will start hating her soon too.
I too was surprised and grateful Vicki didn’t film her mother’s funeral. No snark intended.