Speaking of the bathroom, Tamra and Vicki escape into the bathroom to talk about Heather and what was just said and maybe something they’re discussing is important, but I’m stuck on the fact that they both have bullsh*t flowers stuck behind their ears and how they keep using the word “potty” and because I really hate these two women so much because their overwhelming behavior on this show for season after season has been absolutely despicable. Into the potty walks Heather to try to get to the bottom of what the hell is happening while, at the table, Shannon explains that there is a pot-stirrer amongst them and its name is Tamra and this is just the kind of sh*t that Tamra likes to do and then we get a bunch of flashbacks that illustrate how much of an assh*le Tamra has been through the years and I know that we haven’t gotten to her upcoming baptism yet that was hinted at in the coming attractions for this season, but will that ceremony absolve her of all of these sins? Does enough water on this Earth actually exist for a full absolution of this creature?
Unfortunately (for her), Meghan is confused by this talk about Tamra being a pot-stirrer because she claims to not have seen any evidence of such behavior. Um, Meghan? I’ve given you a serious break all season long and I’m almost willing to continue doing so as I dislike some of the other Housewives so much and eventually I do run out of spitting vitriol and I really don’t have the energy to summon up a new batch of it just for you, but have you never watched this show before appearing on it? And were you conscious on the boat when Tamra brought the information up about how people were talking about you for no real reason whatsoever and never mentioned how she had defended you because she hadn’t? Open your eyes, kiddo, and don’t close them around most of these women ever.
It might also be best not to tell Tamra what Shannon said about her while she was in the potty, if only so, when confronted, Shannon’s eyes won’t pop out of her head entirely and maybe she’ll stop referring to Meghan by not only her married name but also by her maiden name in a way that always manages to read as weirdly smarmy and insulting before she goes bounding out of a room furious about something new. Lizzie does her best to try to explain to Meghan not to react to everything that’s being said and Meghan kind of nods while still swearing her silent allegiance to Tamra and Shannon smiles outside to the place on the dock where she fled because she knows that she is f*cking charitable and Meghan is thirty years old and thirty year olds can suck it.
And just as we watched them pack to go on this trip a few episodes ago, it’s now time to watch them pack up to go home and we get to listen to all of the women explain in voiceover how it’s so crazy how one thing that’s said to one person is always revealed to everybody and the story grows legs and everybody ends up mad and perhaps if this were the first season of this show – or of reality television in general – I’d have some sympathy for these women at how f*cked up a game of telephone can get, but that anyone is actually appearing surprised by any of this just offends me.
Also, Tamra is reading The Bible for Dummies.
Sometimes a follow-up sentence is just not needed.
On the ferry on the way back to the main island, Meghan brings up that Hayley is home schooled and the reactions the rest of them have to such a thing are appropriately ones of confusion. But what confuses me even more is why Meghan keeps sharing aspects of her life with women who seem to really want to judge her and why she’s trotting out the things that are actually really easy to judge. So help me, if something Meghan says or does leads me to declare, “Vicki is right – and so smart!” Ms. King Edmonds will rue the day such a thing was permitted to transpire. Now, I’m not sure yet how I will make her rue that day, but I’m going to research “the ruing of days” once this recap is posted.
Back on the island, David calls Shannon and tells her that he’s excited for her to come home and she’s elated that he has sent her texts with “x’s” and “o’s” and then she gets on the phone with her kids and one of them tells her that she doesn’t know how to be a parent anymore and that’s maybe the moment you tell the Bravo cameraman to pack up his sh*t and aim that lens elsewhere because you’re going home to f*cking parent for real.
The last vacation dinner takes place on a beautiful and balmy night and Meghan shows up with a ridiculous scarf on her head and this one is covered in rhinestones and Tamra makes a snide comment about how Meghan must think she’s Stevie Nicks, and I can’t help but wonder if such a comment counts as slander and I hope Stevie Nicks sues the hell out of Tamra, Meghan, the designer of that scarf, and Tahiti in general. There’s really no time to delve into legalities, however, as Meghan begins the dinner by apologizing to Shannon and the lunatic cautiously forgives Meghan King Edmonds and it’s fun to pretend that all will be okay but I think we all know differently.
Vicki is up next, and she would like all of them to know how grateful she feels that they have jumped onto the Support Brooks bandwagon and that their kindness is very important to her, especially since her daughter still loathes the hell out of the man.
Speaking of Brooks, in the next episode, the veracity of Brooks’ cancer comes up and Shannon’s daughter tells her that she’s no fun, to which Shannon responds that she is the Queen of Fun and the kid – with no hesitation whatsoever – retorts, “The Queen of Drinking.” If I were really mean, I’d say right here and now that I want to adopt that kid and then make sure to appear at every single breakfast, brunch, lunch, and dinner where Shannon could possibly show up to smell a plate of food and that I would smile at her and pour her some vodka in a very tall glass while telling her that it’s so much fun being her daughter’s new mommy – but I’m far too nice to ever say such a thing.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.