Back in Orange County, Meghan is relieved to find out that she does not have breast cancer but she is concerned that she might be carrying a mutation that could potentially lead to cancer. She calls her mother from the car and talks with her husband about the issue and he speaks of his wife’s health with the same passion he would probably employ when talking about how to fry slugs or when he tries to describe to someone what water tastes like.
In another car, Heather and Terry are on their way to meet with representatives from their skincare line. Shame on any of us who didn’t believe deep in our hearts that one day Heather and Terry would have a skincare line! Of course they do! Only skincare professionals would cavort with leeches and besides, working with him is the only way Heather gets to see her husband. It just makes good sense, though the investment of over a million dollars of their own money into the brand might make less sense. Still, they are going to try to sell the line on HSN and, if it goes well, they can add another moat to the east wing of their new castle. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for them because a moat that’s only on the west side of the castle will just look stupid.
Over at Shannon’s home, her daughters are frantically making a meal in the kitchen while Shannon and David descend their grand staircase overdressed in their finest cruise ship refinery. Acting rather adorably, their kids have set up an evening where they have turned the dining room into a restaurant so they can give their beleaguered parents a date night. This is, of course, the kind of thing that all children do so Shannon should not worry for even a second that her children very clearly understand the misery that is permeating the walls and hallways of their home almost constantly while she walks around muttering that at least she hasn’t gotten a divorce. That said, what these kids are doing is very sweet and I was pleasantly shocked when Shannon didn’t bellow that she wanted vodka instead while her young daughter was pouring her some Pellegrino.
“We made this dinner because we want to make your relationship better and to help you talk about your relationship,” says one of the kids in what has to be the most depressing sentence I’ve heard in a long time – either on TV or off.
“In life, you’re going to have bumps in the road,” responds her mother sagely. “It’s how you handle them and move forward.”
Just to be clear, I think what Shannon means is that it will always behoove you to star on an invasive reality show at the exact time when your marriage is in shambles because, if anything can heal a broken heart, it’s being willing to broadcast your emotional agony to the masses. I tell you, from blood-sucking skincare practices to parenting, I learn so much watching this show.
Shannon tells her kids that she and their father are committed to moving forward and to being happy, but she says it with tears flooding her eyes and with a mile of coldness separating her from her husband. It’s impossible to doubt that she really wants to be happy, but at this point it’s just as impossible to ever believe that this woman will ever be happy and I think everybody in that dining room knows it.
Back in Oklahoma, the tornado blessedly didn’t blow down Briana’s home. Briana looks tired, though; she’s always holding at least one baby and she is sitting on the sofa doing just that when Vicki springs a surprise on her. Briana is getting a new car because she’s been so crabby and Vicki doesn’t know how to fix that so she is going to try to buy away her unhappiness – at least fleetingly – by presenting her with a new truck! In fact, there are three SUVs currently set up in front of the house that are topped with big red bows like they are cherries on top of sundaes that can also drive through the snow and Briana gets to pick her favorite. (Know what this scene makes me realize? That I forgive my mother for things way too easily. Sure, I love him and all, but if I had at least attempted to ban my stepfather from family gatherings for a while – like, five years minimum – maybe I’d be gifted with a new truck too. Mommy? If you’re reading this, I would like a Land Rover in either army green or black. The bow atop my brand new luxury vehicle is not required because I’m so low-maintenance.)
In sunny California, there is not a storm in sight until Tamra and Eddie go out to dinner together. She is still thrilled to be away from working at CUT Fitness because now she and her husband like one another again and he makes sure to toss in a comment that it’s date night so he’ll be getting laid later on and I kind of think that there is nobody on this planet more perfect for a woman like Tamra than a man like Eddie. It’s really so sweet when trashy souls collide. Anyway, during dinner Tamra brings up the controversy that now exists between Vicki and Meghan and Tamra basically lets it come out that she is “confused” over whether or not Brooks has cancer. She has no idea what to think, but she does know that she should not say a word about any of it to Vicki, lest her best friend maul her limb from limb. One thing she does say a few words about is that she gave her thirty-year-old son over eight thousand dollars for rent without telling Eddie about any of it prior. Eddie is annoyed and wants to make sure that both Tamra and Ryan realize this is a loan and not a gift and that he is not about to work his well-sculpted-at-CUT ass off to support another man’s family. “Let him grow up and be a man,” insists Eddie – and the guy has an excellent point here and the two stare one another down and swallow some drinks so they can make it through the meal without behaving in a way that could be seen as less than holy for a woman who is about to be baptized on basic cable.
Back in Oklahoma, Briana and Vicki sit outside and Briana thanks her mother for the car and tells her that she feels a little uncomfortable accepting such an opulent gift. She also tells her mother that they will be in Orange County in about a week and a half and Vicki immediately launches into the sleeping arrangements of Briana’s family when they stay with her. The problem here is that Briana is not staying in a house with Brooks. She would rather stay in a hotel and it doesn’t really matter to her that Brooks will be away on business. His essence will still be there and he makes her physically ill and she mutters that she feels uncomfortable and that’s when Vicki’s calm demeanor dies a sudden death and she asks if Briana really wants to discuss this on camera. Honestly, hearing that sentence is kind of a f*cking relief. It tells me that there are things that Vicki at least attempts to keep off-camera and I’d think that there’s something somewhat noble about that, but then I remember that her privacy ship has sailed and already capsized. It’s been too long now that Vicki has brazenly brandished her entire life in front of the cameras. We’ve seen the divorce and the renewing of vows and the break-ups and the screaming and the total intoxication. We’ve seen her fight with more women than I’ve met in my entire life. We’ve seen her dance on bars and vomit on ships. We’ve seen it all, so the fact that she wants Briana to whisper about how vile she finds her mother’s boyfriend when cameras aren’t around comes off as silly. In fact, it’s almost as moronic as shooing the crew out the door so the conversation between you and your daughter can be private WHILE YOU ARE BOTH WEARING MICROPHONES.
Next week, Shannon throws a party where alcohol will be served and Brooks and Tamra fight because she knows that soon she will be absolved of all of her sins and she’d better get her animosity out now.
I really hope that Pastor Mike is able to secure himself some backup…
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.
We have even seen her pee the bed.