Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 9/14/15

September 15th, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

We never really find out what happened on Tamra’s mother’s date, but there’s no time to dwell on whether or not Marty got laid or learned how to tie his own shoelaces because it’s time for Shannon’s Aires Party. The grounds are festooned with elaborate décor and she’s in her cavernous bathroom getting a blowout and just then is when we are launched like a reluctant rocketship into what I like to call The Getting Ready While Talking Sh*t About the People You’re About to See montage where we cut to all the houses of everybody gearing up for a party the way I gear up to go to a wake. It feels frantic and nobody is terribly excited and there’s a haze of palpable misery in the air. At Vicki’s house, Brooks is putting a bracelet on her wrist and she lets us know that she didn’t tell Brooks about her (latest) fight about him with her daughter because the less he knows the better, though I guess the guy is on his own when the fight airs on Bravo. As for Shannon, she’s anxious. And Meghan tells Jim that she wants to give him “limited information” about what’s in store for the night. She says she’s doing it just so he can stay out of it, though he suggests it’s so he doesn’t yell at her and the chemistry between these people feels more and more desperate daughter/withholding father every time they appear onscreen.

The story Meghan tells him, though, is fairly nuts. She says that she started doing some research as Brooks’ cancer story began to stink like pounds of brussel sprouts that turned rotten. (Listen, I’m really sorry for that kind of scent-filled imagery, but the brussel sprout thing just happened to me the other night and now I think I know what death smells like.) Meghan searched online and found blogs where two of Brooks’ ex-girlfriends claimed he’d faked cancer in the past and so she did some more digging (“Why?” asks Jim – which strikes me as a very fair question) and then she attempted to actually call Brooks’ ex. It wasn’t even that hard! She just called someone she knows who called someone else who called ten other people and before you can say “lunatic,” Meghan was texting a woman Brooks used to sleep with before Vicki became the luckiest woman on the planet as long as it’s opposite day.

(Random aside: there was a commercial during this episode for an upcoming Bravo event called Theresa Checks In about Theresa Giudice, the NJ Housewife who has no forehead, being locked up in prison and how her family is dealing with it. The commercial heavily featured her husband, a man I think is so evil that he surely pisses a cocktail of bile and acid rain and I would have to be strapped down and then maybe shot to watch even a second of that show.)

But back in the esoteric programming land that is the Orange County Housewives, we can see that Shannon’s enormous backyard is fully decorated and there’s even a dragon floating in the pool and what could possibly go wrong when you’re at an event where you can order an “Airestini”? Everyone shows up smiling and they are all wearing either red or black and I figured it was due to Aires being a fire sign. I will talk zero shit about such a thing as I greatly respect people who follow a theme, especially if the theme is fire and that means that the desserts will be served on flaming platters because the only thing better than pie is pie served with some panache. But then Meghan walks in and she’s dressed all in blue so maybe the red/black thing was just a coincidence and I was just about to question the validity of every thought I’ve ever had when Jim scoffed at Meghan, who waved as she walked in, “You’re waving to no one,” and that bit of fluffy verbal abuse comforted me in a way because at least it proved that I’m not wrong about everything and this guy is most definitely a prick. Meghan shows up with a hostess gift of alcohol, as it’s always best to know one’s audience, and Shannon appreciates the gesture, though I think we all know that it’s only a matter of time before these two hate one another again.

Shannon confides in Heather (and a camera crew) that she feels almost queasy about all the information that is coming up about Brooks and into the about-to-be fray walk the other women. Shannon really wants to be loyal to Vicki and not talk about her or her boyfriend, but she’s really wary by now about what is real and so is Heather. For me, Heather is the woman on this show who exhibits the most consistently high levels of mental intelligence and emotional intelligence. And when she begins to doubt something, I feel like I can hear a chorus of incredibly wealthy angels singing a ditty in the distance warning us to heed her melodic warnings.

Meghan tells the others about getting into contact with Brooks’ former girlfriend and the reactions to her story – which she delivers so matter of factly that I actually laughed – is that the women are stunned that Meghan has taken it to this invasive level. Personally, I think Meghan should have stayed out of it because she’s coming off as a girl who wanted to be a Charlie’s Angel when she was a kid but wound up a rich and bored housewife, not someone who is concerned about Vicki or Brooks or cancer patients or truth and the whole thing – from every perspective – just feels gross.

Brooks actually knows about the contact between Meghan and his ex because his ex let Brooks know what happened. She sent him the texts Meghan sent her and Brooks has told Vicki about all of it. As he’s explaining how Meghan has gone searching through his past, I wanted to feel sorry for him, but even if he is telling the truth, he comes off as oddly smarmy and hard to believe. Maybe that’s not his fault, though. Maybe that’s just his face and Brooks suffers from some facial disorder where he always looks like he’s lying in much the way Ray Liotta’s face always reminds you that he is very possibly a man who sleeps with a firearm.

Heather, Meghan, Shannon, Lizzie, and Tamra are in a huddle at the party talking about the latest news in Brooks and how everything he’s ever said now sounds fishy when Vicki walks in. Heather wanders away immediately; she doesn’t want to do the disingenuous hug thing after being in a coven-like circle while talking shit about her. Shannon does hug Vicki hello but seems to lack the ability to hide even an iota of a feeling so she acts weird and withdrawn upon Vicki’s entrance but it’d be hard to spend much time worrying about how Shannon will handle any of it because Tamra is so clearly ready to blow. She is a fuse that’s been wound tight and it’s about to be doused with kerosene and Aqua Net and Brooks will be the match that will get her to explode across the midnight sky in a way that would only make sense at a fiery Aires Party. Tamra is just waiting for Brooks to make the wrong move so she can attack, and since it’s Brooks, that moment will happen relatively quickly.

“If I even question Vicki and ask, ‘Does Brooks have cancer?’ she will freak out so I don’t know what to do,” worries Tamra. Here’s an idea: say nothing or only say something off camera. That’s being a friend, Tamra. Now go share this information with your prayer circle.

During the brief interlude, we see Jim in action at the party. The footage clearly comes from soon after his most recent testosterone injection and he is standing in a circle of worshiping Housewife Husbands who are hanging on his every syllable because the guy will possibly one day be a Hall of Famer and men care about shit like that while on the their side of the party, the cancer summit is still going strong. If I ended up at that party, I think I’d choose to dive into the pool and just tread water beside the dragon.

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