Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 9/21/15

September 22nd, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

As Tamra stalks inside to tell every person she passes – other Housewives, former Housewives, waiters to Housewives, an interloping washing machine repairman – that Brooks is an undigested piece of sh*t, Heather decides to deal with the actual problem at hand. Heather – for all her wealth and her preening and that time she allowed leeches to suck on her stomach to get glowing skin – is actually quite rational. She knows that Vicki is fighting with Meghan and Tamra, but the real issue is that all of the women are having legitimate concerns about the fragmented stories they have heard over time about Brooks and his health. Heather is attempting to slice through the crusty bullsh*t that might be coating Vicki’s relationship with the guy she insists on calling “my man,” while inside, Shannon would like to cut the cake that will be served at the most joyless party ever thrown in honor of an astrological sign. But away from cake, Heather tells Vicki that she just wants to be honest. She has talked about Brooks – and she wants to explain to Vicki why she has done such a thing. Keeping her voice level and her face almost slack, Heather tells Vicki that when Brooks revealed who his new cancer doctor was, Heather realized she knew the doctor. She has been treated by that doctor – for cellulite. Heather goes on to explain to Vicki her thought process here. Could it be that a charlatan doctor is duping Brooks? Why is it that every piece of information floating out there in the atmosphere about Brooks comes off as “hinky”? Who is lying? Heather wants to know – and she wants Vicki to want to know, too.

But what Vicki really wants is for these suspicions about Brooks to just go away. Since they show no signs of abating, Heather suggests something rather bold: can he please just show his lab reports to a crowd of people and then tell everyone to f*ck off after he’s definitively proven with data that he is terminally ill? Let’s stop here for a minute and consider how insane this request is. Imagine someone asking you to prove via lab reports or x-rays that you are in fact dying because they don’t believe you when you tell them you are dying. Could there be anything more insulting, short of the person pissing on you while asking to see your medical charts and then using your hair to wipe? But let’s also acknowledge this: Heather has a point. That’s how sick this reality show dynamic has become – that’s how untrustworthy Brooks continually appears – that asking him for his confidential medical history seems almost acceptable. We are in f*cked up waters now, the shore has eroded, and regardless of the fact that Vicki herself made Brooks a medical folder that I’m sure she had her assistant laminate, she will not trot it out for her friends’ perusal and she is stunned that they would expect that she would.

“It makes me sick that this is the group of people I hang out with,” states Vicki.

“This is a group of people that loves you and they want you to have the very best,” responds the Housewife who should immediately be rewarded for her candor by being thrown off this show for good and get to spend her time instead traveling to the far points of the globe to buy new shades of marble for all of her bathrooms. Unfortunately, before Heather can imagine a new life designing bidets, Brooks comes into the room. He’s ready to leave and so is his girlfriend and they slip out without saying goodbye to anyone, not even their hostess who is happily lighting her cake on fire so she won’t break and eat any of it.

At the very end of the party, Meghan decides she hasn’t done enough damage yet. I’m not sure what Meghan believes she’s accomplishing by telling Shannon that Vicki and Brooks maintained that they never once asked for Shannon’s help after Brooks was allegedly diagnosed with cancer, but Shannon looks stunned and says that she was asked for help within hours of Brooks’ diagnosis. It’s then that Heather tells everyone about her conversation with Vicki and all that Vicki said, including that Brooks was going to start chemo again – a claim that is the exact opposite of what Vicki told Tamra a week ago. What’s the truth? Who knows, but Shannon believes that if Brooks is lying, Vicki has to know about it. Why? Because she’s Vicki f*cking Gunvalson, a smart woman who doesn’t get duped. (I’d debate that claim for thirty hours straight, but first I must do something far more essential, like organize my sock drawer.) As for Tamra, she thinks it’s possible that Vicki doesn’t know that Brooks is lying and Heather has no idea what to think anymore and with that, yet another Housewife party ends and I saw absolutely nobody eat even one slice of that f*cking cake.
With the party just another hideous memory, Meghan and Hayley embark the next day on a shopping trip to find Hayley prom dress. As they stand around while some salesgirl praying for a giant commission pulls some dresses, Meghan shares that, for her prom, she organized everything. She even made spreadsheets! It’s becoming more and more apparent to me that Meghan likes to create tasks for herself and after she’s done locating her stepdaughter the perfect dress, she will segue effortlessly into her other pressing task at hand, which is proving Brooks a total liar by adding to her already bulging dossier that is crammed with every untruth the guy has ever spoken. It’s an impressive document; his lies are listed both in alphabetical order and in order of appearance. After that little matter of ruining a man is complete, she can maybe revisit whether or not taking a hands-off approach with Hayley is the right move or just the easier one.

Over at Vicki’s house, Tamra arrives and her mood upon entering the house is odd. She seems both stressed and resigned to a fight, or at least a very tough discussion, and she doesn’t appear to want to have it but she jumps right in. Tamra begins by apologizing for going off on Brooks at the party and Vicki responds by saying that she hopes that she and Tamra are better friends than Tamra is with Meghan – because everything to Vicki is a competition where nobody actually wins because the prize is getting Tamra as your friend. What Vicki wants Tamra to understand is that she should not “condone a thirty year old” contacting Brooks’ former girlfriends to try to get information, and that seems fair, though I think it would also be fair if Meghan had just turned seventy-eight.

“As your friend,” begins Tamra, “I’m here to tell you what everybody is saying.” (Shotgun! I’m putting that saying on a t-shirt tomorrow and wearing it to brunch with all of my friends! I shall make it into a game to see how long it takes for one of them to stab me with a butter knife before I can reveal that everybody hates all of them.) Then she launches into questioning whether or not Brooks has cancer and why his stories are so convoluted and Vicki tells us he most certainly does have cancer and that there’s a privacy element in this scenario and he will not show his medical records to anyone.

“Does he have to die for everyone to believe him?” huffs Vicki, and this entire thing has become so twisted that it makes me look back on the days when Jeanna’s son verbally assaulted her as the more peaceful time in Housewife Land. Vicki’s suggestion is that she never discusses Brooks with Tamra again, but Tamra – to her credit – knows that’s not a viable option for what they have convinced themselves is a true friendship. Sadly, she is also aware that Vicki is so wrapped up in Brooks and believes everything he says that she knows their friendship is tarnished for now. I’d mourn that loss, but we all know that they will reconcile when they are drunk and dancing atop a bar somewhere in the tropics next season.

Now it’s time to check in with Shannon! Every time I see the exterior of Shannon’s house, I cannot believe the grandeur of the place. I hear it’s for sale and I suggest that whomever buys it should wave around some sage to cleanse the negative energy and then invite me over so we can toss a gigantic slip-and-slide over that sprawling back lawn. Until that day comes, Shannon still has the house and she is making the most of it by hanging out in her kitchen and stirring up some chili. David comes in and asks about her day and about the Vicki scenario and the guy either rehearsed his lines in the car with a producer before walking through the front door or he’s actually trying to be more present. Shannon explains that she’s saddened that the deep and spiritual Aries bond she shares with Vicki hasn’t been as strong lately and that she’s offended that Brooks and Vicki left her party without even saying goodbye. Shannon has also now reached a point where she is confused and frustrated with Brooks and his choices and all of the holes within his story. In fact, she’s full-on suspicious now in the way she was only partially suspicious before. It very much seems like Shannon really wants to believe that Vicki has absolutely nothing to do with the creation and the spreading of some of Brooks’ potential lies, but that belief appears to be dissipating by the minute.

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