Shannon reveals that Vicki sent her a text after their lunch during which Shannon inquired about all of the inconsistencies in Brooks’ story. The text comes from a woman who has less self-awareness than the fly that has taken up residence in my home and refuses to leave and is apparently making arrangements to move his family and just a small sectional in for his comfort. As such, the text is all about how angry and saddened Vicki is by Shannon’s questions and she’s not at all willing to admit that Shannon has been a good friend to her along the bumpy path. Look, I’ve been tough on Shannon in the past – and I stand by it. I have no idea why someone who has young children and fears that they were greatly impacted by the strife within their parents’ marriage would put any of this shit on television and when someone screams, “Don’t imply that I’m not charitable!” across a party when it’s apropos of almost nothing, as a viewer of the show, I’m allowed to form an opinion. And, admittedly, I don’t like Vicki because she’s the scariest manifestation of a human lady that I’ve ever seen in all of my days. Still, there’s very little evidence that Shannon has been anything but a completely devoted and loyal friend to that woman and I’d feel badly for her that she has lost an ally but that ally is Vicki so instead I shall throw a party for Shannon where she can celebrate her freedom. It will (of course) be a Capricorn Party since that’s my astrological sign and I will serve broiled ram and plenty of vodka and there will be limes and tall glasses as far as the near-sighted eye can see.
Over at Tamra’s house, she is sitting down with Pastor Mike who immediately assures her that she need not be perfect to be baptized but that she needs to come with a sincere heart. “Is it something you do private?” asks Tamra – while both she and her religious guide are wearing microphones and her living room is filled with klieg lights to make them both appear dewy on camera. Pastor Mike tells her that it might be nice for her to invite her friends and she really likes that idea because doing it in front of people (I’m guessing people who are all under contract to Bravo and are required to show up) sends a message. What’s that message? Oh, it’s the same one God likes to send people: I’m religious now and this is my coming out party and so the rest of you can all suck it since now I love Jesus! As Pastor Mike tells her that the Holy Spirit will now live inside of her forever and operate as her personal GPS system, Tamra smiles beatifically and it makes me feel a little bit guilty for hoping that the holy water sizzles when it touches her skin. Tamra is committed to religion now, but she is having a bit of a hard time reading the bible itself, what with all of its outdated vernacular. She’d really appreciate a blog version of the bible! Now, I wholeheartedly recommend that she steer clear of my blog – girlfriend hasn’t come off too well on my site – but the rest of you should feel free to check it out at nellkalter.com! Sadly no psalms appear, unless you consider an older piece, Reality PurgaTORI, a prayer for Tori Spelling. I myself consider it a hatchet job, but just like with religion, I suppose we all interpret things differently.
And now it’s time to go into a medical building with Vicki and Brooks and cameras and Lenka, the same woman who told Vicki and Brooks to lie atop the soil last week to aid in the healing process because nothing cures disease more than a grass stain. They’re all there to speak to Dr. Zermeno, a man who specializes in healing the immune system through detoxification. According to the records Brooks had sent over, he has a large mass in the upper region of his abdomen. Brooks says he can feel the masses enflaming inside of him and the doctor tells him he must be vigilant about his nutrition and avoiding stress, at which time he immediately turns to the love of his life who is sitting beside him. “It’s not me,” says the gorgeous genius. “It’s all the people I hang around with.” Let’s stop right here, shall we? Who has forced Vicki to sign that Bravo contract for the last decade? Who has sat on her chest and banged her dyed blonde head against the brown floor of her home and demanded that she confide the darkest moments of her life and her boyfriend’s life to the masses? Who here besides me thinks this woman is nothing but a total assh*le?
The doctor, after being told that some people are accusing Brooks of faking cancer, looks puzzled and he tells them that according to the documents before him – the ones Brooks sent over – that it’s really clear the guy’s got cancer. Oh, but our guides over at The Andy Cohen Network don’t want us to let go of our suspicions so quickly! And how do we know that? Well, the only lines the doctor with the heavy accent speaks that they give us subtitles for are these: “Unless someone faked this, but this doesn’t lie.” Hmmm.
By the way, how does Brooks feel about being called a liar by all of Vicki’s friends? As he does the kind of interview that’s usually only allotted to a bonafide Real Housewife, he sits before a roaring fire in much the same way that I imagine Satan reclines during his off-time and tells us that the doubters piss him the f*ck off – but hey, at least he bleeds maroon.
Away from potentially doctored medical charts and homeopaths treating cancer, Heather and Terry arrive in Minnesota where they will be hawking their new skincare line on Evine and Terry is all kinds of nervous. The thought of millions of people staring at him while he is on live television is daunting and I suppose that his adoring wife could calm his nerves, but she’s also nervous that the guy might freeze up once the camera is aimed squarely at his face. I’d suggest that we all place bets on just how big of a calamity Terry Dubrow could end up being, but I already have several pools going about how long it will take Brooks and Vicki to reunite after the Reunion when she will no longer be held accountable for anything and I’m reluctant to bet too much money at one time. (By the way, my bet is that it’ll take seven seconds for them to reunite because not a single part of me believes they actually broke up in the first place.)
During the rehearsal, Heather and Terry stand on a stark white stage and Heather nails the initial rehearsal while Terry stumbles over every single word including his own name. Heather’s a bit nervous for the nightmare that could occur during a live broadcast and Terry would like a cocktail or seven to unwind.
It might have been tense on that minimalistic soundstage where soon moisturizer will be sold, but it’s nothing compared to the thud I feel in the deepest pit of my stomach when I see that the next place we’re all going is to Tamra’s son’s new house. I have said it before and I will say it again and then I might even turn it into a song that I’ll perform for people I hate: Ryan scares the sh*t out of me. He is barely-contained misery personified with a temper that I’m certain I can see leaking out of his eyeballs. He looks like he is about to blow at any time and I have a genuine concern that there are young and impressionable children all around him, to say nothing of his newborn to whom he coos, “What’s your grandmother complaining about now?” I might not be Tamra’s biggest fan, but this is a woman who all but got her son this house and he should close his bearded mouth and focus his energy on not being the guy I’d cast to play a serial killer in the next Lifetime movie. I can also legitimately say that I have never been more terrified watching this show in my life as I was when Ryan mentioned that one of the job interviews he’s got lined up is with a gun manufacturer. Not only that – though such a revelation will surely keep me up for days – but Ryan’s fiancé lost her business, Ryan is unemployed, they have several children, a house they can’t pay for, and now they fight all the time. I kind of don’t blame Tamra for embracing religion anymore.
In a house that feels far less sinister, Meghan is cooking chicken teriyaki for Hayley and treading lightly and carefully into the waters of being what appears to be the primary caregiver for this child while at the same time having the least amount of a say in how to raise her. The whole thing strikes me as an uncomfortable dance, one I’m pretty sure will end with Meghan twirling alone somewhere while her horrible husband snidely asks her why she’s even bothering. As for Hayley, no she hasn’t thought much about college, but she thinks it might be very nice to move out. There does seem to be a possibility that Hayley will be going to beauty school and maybe she will eventually be the one to convince Meghan to pull that ridiculous headband off of her head and burn it in an effigy that I’m sure Ryan will help her light by using the kerosene he likes to keep in capsule form in his back pocket.
Back in the land of home shopping, Terry is still concerned with his poor rehearsal and Heather is consolatory and supportive. She says things like, “A poor rehearsal makes for a great performance!” and she mixes him a drink and marvels over the charcuterie in the hotel room. For those of us not raised in a wing of a Dubrow-owned family tower, a “charcuterie” is a fancy way of saying “a meat and cheese tray,” but I’d honestly listen to Heather say that word on a loop for nineteen days straight than hear Vicki bellow that it’s time to “whoop it up” ever again.
Speaking of the woman I can’t stand – well, one of them – we’re back at Vicki’s house where Tamra arrives and hugs Brooks as she walks through the door. Luckily cancer is not contagious so Tamra is okay, but the real reason she’s there isn’t to show affection. No, it seems that Brooks and Vicki invited her over in the hopes that she would look at some documentation from his doctors and finally tell the others to shut the f*ck up and believe in a diagnosis they all bought into initially. Again, can we just take a second and mull over how revolting this entire scenario is? We’ve got Brooks confiding in Tamra – and they hate each other. We have Brooks saying that Tamra is Vicki’s closest friend even though they have often gone months without speaking. We have a man who might actually be sick almost pleading to be believed and yet we also have the possibility that the guy has been lying the entire time. All of it is sicker than even Twin Peaks used to be – and that show involved a little person spinning around in a padded red room and some fatherly incest.
Brooks tells Tamra that he just got another PET scan a few weeks ago and he wants to show her the results of the tests and Tamra sticks on Vicki’s glasses so she can get a good look. It seems that there are words jumbled together on the page without the use of spacing we see in typical language, but Brooks says that’s just because the form she’s reading is a dictation. She sits there and tries to understand the sheet of paper that’s been shoved before her and all the while Vicki stares at her with the kind of serious expression I’d guess one would have if your boyfriend were being accused of being the most horrible person on this or any other planet. (Since it’s just been revealed that there’s salt water on Mars, I suggest we send Brooks and Vicki to live there. Ryan can go too – but he will still need someone to foot his rent.)
According to Brooks, his masses have grown larger, the chemo hasn’t worked, and he wishes that the entire thing was a big planned hoax but it’s not. He’s putting this “proof” out there so Vicki can stop being put into a position where her friends bring concerns to light about the douchebag she’s in love with and it’s really all up to Tamra now, or so they claim. Now that Tamra’s seen that odd piece of dictation with no spacing, Vicki wants to know if she can go forth and tell everyone via a press conference or a quick game of telephone that the guy’s results prove that he’s definitely not lying, but Tamra’s not quite ready to take on that responsibility. No, she would like them to show the results to everybody so she doesn’t have to be a mouthpiece for two people she clearly still has reservations about, but Vicki is not willing to do such a thing and murmurs that she can’t even believe Brooks showed the document to Tamra, conveniently forgetting that the document was also shown on camera so to maintain that it should be in any way shrouded kind of feels like a very poorly made argument. The problem here is that Tamra would love to shut all the talk down by loudly proclaiming that Brooks is indeed sick and that he hasn’t even lied about his cholesterol level, but she can’t really do that because the paper she read was rife with medical jargon and she doesn’t really understand what she read and I think that many of us would be as perplexed as she is after perusing her closest friend/enemy’s disgusting boyfriend’s potentially doctored medical records.
“When I am weak, I want you to be my warrior. And when you’re weak, I will be your warrior. As God is my witness, they’re gonna have to come through me to get to you,” breathes Vicki to her best friend Tamra – and I think the sickest thing about any of this is that both of them sort of believe that the bullsh*t Vicki is spewing here is true.