Real Housewives of Orange County – 10/19/15

October 20th, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

At any rate, the Reunion kicks off the way it always does. There are two couches that bracket Andy Cohen, a man who is either going to one day rule a small nation or end up sweating his toned ass off in the fires of hell. The room they’re in is smaller than the one where the New York Reunion was held and it’s far less glitzy than the one where sh*t went down on Beverly Hills – you know, the room in which Kim Richards made perfect sense as she proclaimed that she has never had an issue with sobriety. And as I choke back the bile that weirdly forms in the back of my throat as Andy greets each woman individually with a tone that is equal parts condescension and pathos, it’s a good opportunity to check out what our favorite ladies have worn for the big day.

Heather is in basic black and her shoulders and biceps peek out in a way that is understated – which is a word that will never be used to describe her new house. As always, she looks classy and well put together and like she maybe got lost somewhere along the way and accidentally stumbled into a casting for The Real Housewives when she meant to go to a commercial for a high-end douching product.

I’m not a hundred percent sure what Tamra is wearing because my eyes filled with tears of joy the second I realized it wasn’t hot pink. I believe that she looks pretty in blue, but I will have to stop weeping before I can know for sure.

Shannon is resplendent in purple. Her dress is age-appropriate and the color reads nicely on camera and she is wearing a necklace I don’t much care for, but I’m hoping her husband bought it for her as a way of making up for being such a d*ck so I’m gonna give her a break for rocking an accessory the dress doesn’t need.

Meghan is a brunette! And she’s in a bold red that’s the exact color of Brooks’ blood and she knows this for sure because she snuck into a hospital room and impersonated a nurse so she could get a sample of the liar’s plasma. She also mildly looks like Caitlin Jenner. I think it’s the shoulders.

Vicki is decked out in white, probably to indicate her purity. The neckline is the typical one she gravitates to – plunging – and she is wearing every single necklace she owns. I imagine that she thought she could maybe tie them all together in a jam and use them to rappel her way out of the place or maybe as a noose if things really get tough.

Fashion and greetings now covered, it’s time to dive into the sludge-filled abyss. Andy starts the interrogation gently with some Twitter questions and we find out that baby Ava is doing well and has two teeth, all the better to gnaw her way to freedom once she realizes how petrifying her father is. Vicki had no idea that she accidentally Instagrammed her t*ts to the world. Hayley graduated from high school and is adjusting to the loss of her mother. Aaaand that’s enough of the nice stuff. Time to jump into segment one, which I will call VICKI TRIED TO INTIMIDATE THE NEW GIRL BUT DIDN’T REALIZE MEGHAN THINKS THE O.G. OF THE OC IS A F*CKING JOKE.

The montage once again illustrates the way Vicki second-guessed every choice Meghan made as a stepmother and human being and reiterates how no woman whose uterus is barren can love a child the way one can after pushing a child out. Vicki stands by all of her opinions and her chin is already shaking and I think I might need to make some popcorn as I watch this woman destroy herself in high-definition.

Then it’s time for Heather to defend how she didn’t break “Girl Code” by befriending Meghan while still maintaining a friendship with Jim Edmonds’ Wife #2. Heather clearly explains that the marriage did not end because of Meghan and that she and Meghan don’t discuss the ex-wife – and that maybe Meghan should never talk sh*t about the woman directly to the camera – and all of that makes such perfect sense to me that I might start a letter writing campaign to persuade Bravo executives to say, “Screw the Giudice people! Let’s make Heather Dubrow the sidekick on the private investigator show!” But before I can start celebrating my tour de force casting idea, I find myself thudding back to Earth because Vicki pipes up about how Meghan should make Hayley accountable for things or she will turn out to be a monster, and I agree with Vicki. Oy. Can someone please quickly bring up Brooks or how Vicki once hung off a cross so I can cease nodding when this monster says something astute?

Other golden gems that come out include the fact that Vicki values money, Heather works her ass off as a full-time mom and is Cartier-watch-deep in toddler feces, and Meghan smirks cruelly at every single thing that Vicki says.

We’re about twenty minutes in now, so it’s about time to rewatch the agony of Vicki finding out about the loss of her mother on camera. As someone who has lost a parent and tries damn hard to never tap into the memory of the moment when I found out he was gone forever, I cannot help but feel a real empathy for Vicki here. Loss is traumatic and it feels unbearable and to have cameras directed at you as you collapse onto the floor seems insane. It would be for that last reason that I would never appear on this show again, but as Andy announced during the introductions, this is Vicki’s tenth Reunion and I’d bet my non-colonic-stuffed ass that she will show up again next year. And since she’s on that couch, she must revisit the tragedy. It’s awful to watch – and it’s awful that we have so many good reasons to hate a woman who went through so much pain.

“I feel like I don’t have anybody watching out for me,” whispers Vicki – and that’s a terrible way to feel. But perhaps she would still have some people on her side if she didn’t behave like a walking and talking night terror most of the time. Still, what she says about grief is genuine, though it doesn’t make knowing that an executive producer told Vicki to call Brianna to hear the news while cameras rolled any more palpable. Then we get an adorable story about how Vicki’s mom once keyed a guy’s motorcycle after he flipped her off and then she hid from the police in a bathroom stall and I would never speak ill of the dead, but maybe we just got a clue as to where Vicki’s evasive nature stems from.

If segment number two was VICKI’S MOTHER DIED WHILE HER DAUGHTER PLAYED BUNKO, it seems that segment three is one anybody who was sober while watching this season could have predicted. That’s right, it’s time for the THESE WOMEN ARE FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLICS section of the show! It all starts off pretty humorously as we watch the women order dry salad (listen: I’ll watch Shannon order anything if she does it wearing those glasses. I never like her more than when she morphs into kooky-glasses Shannon and the joy she brings me in those moments cannot possibly be explained or quantified, so I’m not even going to try) and hamburgers without buns. There’s also kind of a perfect moment where Vicki leans down to a woman who is lying naked atop a table whilst covered in sushi to tell her that maybe it’s time she gets herself some education and I’m giving Vicki that moment because what she said and her delivery really made me laugh. But then the drink orders start and we get to watch Shannon order her Grey Goose only a few times and I cannot help but wonder when these Real Housewives editors developed some restraint, but it’s still early yet. There’s still ample time for Shannon to be called out for being a drunk. In the meantime, Tamra – who already made a bush comment to Meghan – asks Shannon if she’s avoiding yeast in her diet because she gets a lot of yeast infections (vaginas were apparently the latest topic in Sunday School) and Heather, a woman who allowed leeches to suck on her stomach so her skin might glow, asks if maybe Shannon is doing too many colonics and I celebrated that I am not any of these women by reminding myself that I should make some Rice Krispie treats.

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