Real Housewives of Orange County – 10/26/15

October 29th, 2015 | 1 Comment | Posted in Uncategorized

Last week, the Reunion started slowly. We got to relive scintillating discussions about whether or not a thirty year old has the right to tell a fifty year old that she’s a total assh*le and we learned definitively that Tamra’s relationship with her daughter remains estranged. It was confirmed that Vicki wears more foundation than any drag queen suffering from vitiligo on this or any other planet and that Housewives from the past can claw their way back from relative obscurity via email to question the devoutness of a current Housewife. Other than that, not too much happened. Brooks’ name wasn’t even mentioned. But those calm Reunion moments where all the women momentarily pretend like they don’t hate each other while giggling about that delightful time Vicki’s mother was arrested? Yeah, those moments are dead. Now it’s time to talk about a guy who could potentially croak from a lot of things, but it’s unlikely that his demise will be from cancer.

Tonight kicks off with references to circle jerks, colonics, and enemas and really, that’s all fine and good. Who doesn’t enjoy a good circle jerk reference? But there are bigger issues here and I could live forever without hearing Vicki say the word “butthole” ever again and I’m mildly certain that this segment exists as karmic payback for that time I took my sister’s favorite jeans when I was in middle school, got a grass stain on the knee (not from partaking in a circle jerk, mind you – it was a spirited game of kickball), and then lied and claimed it wasn’t me who ruined her jeans. I’d like to once again apologize to my sister and then beg Sir Cohen to stop making his viewers visualize the large intestines of his Housewives once and for all.

Moving on to lighter topics, it’s time for the HEATHER IS F*CKING LOADED sequence where we hear about her ginormous mansion and her busy husband and that time Terry didn’t appreciate her every aesthetic choice. There’s a viewer question that criticizes her for having a luggage room, but that viewer can suck it because who wouldn’t have a luggage room if the option presented itself? Hell, I’d build a luggage room right next to my brand new petting zoo and I’d allow my llamas to store their garment bags as well! Look, this woman’s got an obscene amount of money, but she doesn’t typically behave like a demonic heathen and she appears to be a loyal friend whose children won’t end up in therapy forevermore so I say we give Heather a break. You don’t have to agree with me about any of this, but if you want to confront me directly so you can disagree, you’ll have to find me first. I’ll give you a clue as to my whereabouts: I am hiding in one of the twenty-seven bathrooms at Dubrow Manor where I am warming myself by the light of a platinum towel warmer.

After the first commercial break, Jim Edmonds appears on the couch and smiles for the first time all season. To be accurate, he doesn’t smile because he’s sitting next to his beloved wife but because Andy makes a reference to the fact that he’s a baseball legend. Still, I am pleased to report that the guy has teeth and that grinning does not kill him. What could potentially kill him is being referred to as “Meghan King Edmonds’ husband,” and I might pay to watch such an interaction transpire because this guy strikes me as many things but “proud husband” and “equal partner” probably wouldn’t make the list. Still, he’s there to discuss how his portrayal on the show wasn’t accurate and that the misery he projected all season long isn’t the whole story. We all watch a montage of how much of a d*ck Jim was and Meghan claims that seeing it makes her uncomfortable, but she maintains that she doesn’t allow him to get away with treating her poorly. Unfortunately, we saw no footage of her standing her ground against a man who looks like he seriously hates her. As for the rampant condescension he displayed towards his wife, well, Jim tries to explain that sometimes he was really tired. He didn’t like the cameras being around. He also might have been hungry one time. Or maybe he’s just a douchebag who will hire himself an image consultant to prepare for next season. What’s that guy Slade been up to? Is he still unemployed? Maybe he can help Jim appear mildly less loathsome, even if it’s just by standing next to the guy.

And here it is, everybody! Brooks’ name is finally brought up and it’s all because Andy asks Jim if he really told Brooks that he and Meghan were struggling after only two months of marriage. Shockingly, such a statement was never made, but it’s not Brooks who lied, you guys! Brooks would never lie! See, Vicki is the one who made the mistake here. She misquoted her man and changed the vernacular of the statement to make Meghan’s marriage look even worse than it appeared. But she wasn’t lying, at least not on purpose. It was just a mistake, as was the moment when she watched Tamra flinging around a strap-on at her bondage party and commented, “She pretty much lost custody of one. She doesn’t want to lose custody of two more.” Now typically I would need for the apocalypse to be arriving imminently to ever agree with Vicki Gunvalson about anything, but the woman’s got a point here. Tamra’s kid has been pretty vocal about the ways in which her mother has humiliated her on television with her bold sexuality – something nobody wants to associate with a parent – and a mini moment starring a strap-on wasn’t wise on Tamra’s part. Was it kind of Vicki to say such a thing? No. Would Tamra have said it if their roles were reversed? My bet is she would have turned the comment into a song and asked her church choir to perform it every single Sunday. Still, we are in Kill Vicki mode right now and these women are out for f*cking blood and Heather says she felt physically ill hearing a custody comment come from Vicki and that she should be ashamed for how viciously disloyal she was at that party…the one where Tamra premiered workouts that masqueraded as sex tapes…while she wore a strap-on.

Moving on to the prediction she made about Meghan and Jim being divorced in five years, Vicki says she didn’t mean it. She was annoyed after hearing all of the anti-Brooks comments all night and she snapped and now she says it was wrong for her to speak those words. We are barely into hour two and Vicki already looks defeated and exhausted and resigned to the fact that she is about to be destroyed on camera, on the show in which she has willingly appeared for the last freaking decade.

Jim finally leaves the couch after declaring his love for Meghan and announcing that maybe he’ll knock her up one day because of how much she means to him. With that blissful union covered, it’s time to explore THE AFFAIR. David’s infidelity, as we now know, kicked off the day after filming began and the time has come to watch Shannon relive her total and complete emotional agony. It’s heartbreaking, all of it. I still can’t personally agree with the televised sharing of all that pain with the world when there are children involved who I’m betting have already experienced far too much because of their parents, but I’m rooting for Shannon. David creeps me out completely and he always appears to be in the process of deciding if he should fake his own death or not, but maybe that behavioral pattern of his will end one day and they will feel only joy. Listen, not for a second do I buy Shannon’s claim that she goes weeks now without thinking about the affair, but I hope she gets the happiness she craves and that she made the decision to fight for this marriage out of love and not out of fear of being alone.

On a side note, Andy Cohen is a total c*ck for pretending even for a millisecond that the woman David left Shannon for was waiting backstage and was about to join the women on the sacred couch. That was f*cking low. And the immediate pallor that overtook Shannon’s face made me think that perhaps she should call Dr. Moon so he can construct her a pacemaker made out of broccoli to get her heart rate back to normal.

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