Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 6/27/16

Let’s forget nipples for a second, though, because we really need to discuss the ridiculous split-screen interludes that have taken over this show in what I’m praying is one editor’s homage to the opening credits of Dynasty. I’m also praying this little stylistic exercise is one that’s fleeting because the only thing more terrifying than seeing Tamra’s son Ryan is seeing Ryan on three screens at the same time while he walks into the front door of his mother’s house and sweetly inquires, “What are you cooking? It smells likes farts.” Ryan and his Manson-after-the-murders beard arrive at Tamra’s with a bike for his daughter (peddle fast, kid!) and news that he will get to see her later. Apparently, sh*t has gone down between Ryan and Sarah, even after we all pretended to believe that their love story formed over Instagram would be a forever kind of love. As for Tamra, she would like Ryan and Sarah to stop fighting and stop calling the police on one another and she would really like to find a way to fix everything going wrong in her midst, even though she has to know deep down that she has absolutely no control over a single bit of it.

But now let’s get back to nipples! Someone who probably hasn’t had too many nipples all that close to his mouth these days is David. The two-year mark of him almost destroying his family with his adultery has come and gone and now he and Shannon are committed to being happy with one another, even though each and every televised interaction between the two of them might as well as be illustrated with an emoji of gritted teeth. I can’t help but root for Shannon, a woman so adorably kooky and wise when she’s not acting batshit crazy, but I also wonder if maybe this is a couple who might do better without cameras capturing their every sigh and desperate glance for the symbolic exits in their midst. In any case, they settle down for dinner and order copious amounts of vodka and limes and smile at one another gamely before launching into a romantic discussion about enemas. It comes out then that it’s Valentine’s Day and David gives his wife some sort of humungous necklace made of shells and rocks and if this piece of jewelry is not a sure sign that he hates the f*cking woman, I don’t know what is. As for Shannon, all she wants – besides a different necklace – is to one day stand in one corner of her massive house and scream, “I’m so glad David had his affair because we are so much happier now!” That day has yet to arrive and I’m not sure that any of us should hope too hard for that it ever will because I’m pretty certain it will indicate that the Armageddon has arrived along with it. In far more joyful news, Shannon has decided that she wants nothing to do with Vicki because Vicki seems to have no remorse for anything that she has been involved with and Shannon is fine with “forgiving” Vicki so long as “forgiveness” doesn’t require that she ever have to speak with the f*cking woman ever again – and to that I lift a bottle of vodka and eighteen uncut limes and I toast to you, Shannon Beador!

Speaking of Vicki, she is excited to be removing the negativity from her life and celebrating her business acumen. She hosts a mixer to make sure that she will continue to network and make money for long into the future and I suppose I applaud that goal, but not nearly as much as I applaud the footage of her falling directly on her ass that we get to see in a flashback during this scene.

Over in Turks and Caicos, Terry laments that he hasn’t had a chance to be around his children lately because of the influx of work in his life and Heather wants him to make some changes because she really doesn’t want him to look up one day and realize that he’s missed his kids’ childhoods. Unfortunately, in a private interview, Terry reveals to us that he is actually having the time of his life working around the clock and the only thing he feels guilty about is that he doesn’t feel guilty about not spending more time with his children. It’s a moment of foreshadowing that feels nothing short of icky, and I’m willing to sadly bet that the idyllic life Heather believes she has will not appear nearly so idyllic by season’s end.

And while we’re on the subject of children, Tamra explains to her husband that the money they lent Ryan for his house is money they should just understand will never be returned to them. This is a theory that Eddie and his biceps cannot accept! If money is lent – especially to an adult – that money should be paid back. And not only that! Eddie recommends (by growling at his wife) that Tamra needs to fully stay out of Ryan and Sarah’s shit and even though it’s advice delivered in a way that is creepily forceful, it’s also not the very worst advice ever given.

Probably realizing she needs to align with the one who gets the most press – positive or negative – Kelly calls Vicki and invites the pariah out to lunch. Sure, Meghan cautioned her about getting too close to this idiot and yes, whatever Kelly says, there is not a single doubt in my mind that she watched this show for years and knows just how much Vicki sucks balls, but she still alleges that she wants to give Vicki a chance. (If anyone cares, my ambivalence for Kelly has already crumbled and now I can’t stand the newbie and I have absolutely no apologies or f*cks to give about feeling this way.) Anyway, Vicki shows up and says this: “I definitely have whoop it up radar and Kelly seems to be a whoop it up girl.” My reaction to this sentence is to search my home for anything resembling rope so I can quickly fashion myself a noose because I just don’t want to live in a world anymore where “whoop it up” has become part of the vernacular. I accepted “bootylicious” because Beyonce is a demigod. I look the other way when my students say the word “turnt” because at least they can spell it. But, so help me, I will use a f*cking Twizzler to fashion a weapon that will allow me to avoid an existence where Vicki Gunvalson gets to be in charge of any aspect of language. As for their actual conversation over lunch, Vicki and Kelly discover they wear the same shoe size, one of them is a Libra, and it is not God’s plan for Vicki to be with a man right now but it was God’s plan for her to aid a douchebag in claiming to the world that he was ridden with cancer. Whoo whooo!

I hadn’t realized that we had not spent any time with Meghan so far this episode until she appeared onscreen, but here she is, fixing up her house so her kitchen can stop being a mustardy puke color. With renovations in mind – and her d*ck of a husband screaming about how costly construction to the home has been – Meghan decides to invite her friends over to demolish the room and they show up because that’s where the cameras are. Shannon arrives wearing a hardhat and raring to go and they all toast to knocking the sh*t out of those walls. After they gamely hit some plaster, they sit on the couch, drink out of Solo cups, and Kelly reveals that she took Vicki to lunch the day before. Ignoring the horrified looks she gets, Kelly plunges forward and tells the rest of the women that she thinks they were all being pretty mean to Vicki on the boat, especially Shannon, who appears to be looking around the room for the mallet she used earlier so she can knock some sense into the idiot sitting before her. It’s a fool’s mission she’s running here and I guess that means that Kelly is pretty much a fool.

The other women try to explain all that Vicki has done in the past – like how she lied to get some compassion and a casserole – but Kelly has decided that it should be her role to protect Vicki, no matter what the others (and the Internet) have claimed. Then she decides to make things even better by asking Tamra about her ex-husband and her estranged daughter and Tamra begins to weep. Of course I want to concentrate here on the sadness Tamra is dealing with, but it’s sort of impossible because Kelly then reveals that she too went through a divorce with a control freak who might very well have been Hitler’s brother, a man who would rather have given his money to lawyers instead of to her and their daughter. Yes, the guy Kelly compared to a vicious dictator who engaged in genocide is the man she is currently married to because he wouldn’t allow her to divorce him he has a diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder but, don’t worry, he’s a nice person, and now it’s pretty clear that Kelly has way more to worry about than forming an alliance with the wrong Housewife.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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