Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 8/29/16

Back at the home Merv Griffin probably would have leveled had he known these women would one day enter it, Kelly wants to know how Heather feels about her. Um, she thinks you’re a damaged assh*le, Kelly! How could she feel any other way? Seriously, questions like Kelly’s infuriate me. If you act like a piece of sh*t, accept that people will begin to think you’re a piece of sh*t. It’s just f*cking logic! Tamra’s response to the question, however, differs from my response. “She doesn’t hate you,” she begins. But then Tamra laughs as Kelly impersonates Heather and her mannerisms and doesn’t lean forward and knock the woman’s f*cking teeth out when she maintains that Heather had no right to tell her to leave after she told Shannon to “Shut the f*ck up” and called Tamra a “dumb f*ck.” Listen, very little in this life annoys me more than a lack of loyalty and Tamra manages to prove time and time again that loyalty is one thing the Lord can’t seem to bless her with. She does tell Kelly to reach out again to try to resolve things with Heather, but most of that request is due to an upcoming trip she’s planned that both Heather and Kelly are attending, not any real desire to protect her true friend from this nasty shrew. As for Heather, she received an apology text from Kelly after the sushi dinner fro hell. The message came complete with a tongue emoji and a promise that Kelly will never misbehave again. Knowing she’s dealing with a bonafide lunatic who can’t possibly keep such a promise and having no desire to see whatever emoji Kelly might choose to send next, Heather did not even respond. Perhaps she would have written back had she heard that Kelly told Tamra, “I’m the bigger person!” if only to inform Kelly that she desperately needs medication — and fast.

Into Vicki’s birthday dinner walks her son, Michael, and maybe I misread the look that crossed Kelly’s face, but I’m pretty sure it was one of unbridled lust. Whatever happens, I just hope Michael knows she doesn’t suck d*ck for cash, that she will always and forever be the better person, and that she’s an AMAZING mother. Ryan, Brianna’s husband, arrives next and she and her sons are thrilled to see him. It’s a nice thing to see and I shall hold on to that image rather than the memory of Vicki and Kelly gripping one another and whispering that all that really matters in this world is family.

Over in Mexico, Shannon and David are having the time of their lives. She flashes him her t*ts, he films her with a shaky camera, the wind whips around wildly, and they are blissfully far away from all the nonsense. I think they should immediately build a mansion on that beach, send for their kids, order more distilled water for Shannon’s nasal cavity on Amazon, fly in Dr. Moon biweekly, and never return to the shores haunted by Kelly, who looks more like the Loch Ness Monster every time I glance at her face.

Speaking of this idiot, Vicki relays that Heather is apparently nervous to bring her young son around Kelly during Eddie’s upcoming birthday trip since she has no idea what terrible profanity Kelly might spew into his impressionable young ears. How DARE Heather imply that she would speak poorly around a child? Has she not announced every fifteen minutes that she’s an excellent mother? So WHAT that she’s stunned these seasoned women silent each and every time they’ve been coerced into being in her presence? God, Heather is such a bitch, huh? At some point during Vicki’s interminable birthday weekend, Tamra calls Heather to explain what’s been said. During the call, Heather makes sure to explain she’s not mad at Kelly. Rather, she’s horrified by her behavior and anyone who’s not (Vicki) is simply grateful Kelly’s disgusting actions are momentarily taking the spotlight. In any case, Tamra suggests she, Kelly, and Heather get lunch together before Eddie’s birthday. Heather agrees. Kelly, however, is still sitting beside Merv Griffin’s pool and still raging about how crazy it is for Heather to think she has rage issues after all she’s shown her is that she’s a person made out of rage and bad hair. I hate this motherf*cker — and I can say that because Heather’s son is clear across the country.

At some point, Meghan shows up to make nice for Vicki’s birthday. My guess is she’d never go had cameras not been there, but there are lenses a’plenty and she’s in a good mood because she thinks she’s already pregnant. Besides, anything is better than being ignored by her husband for an entire afternoon.

Back in Orange County, Heather shows up for a moonlit summit with Tamra and Kelly. Kelly arrives last and she’s wearing a fedora (I’m not even going to bother writing a punchline) and she orders a Pellegrino to keep her wits about her and to refrain from calling Heather a twat. Heather finally speaks and tells her the screaming and vulgarity at the sushi dinner stunned her and made her want to leave. This might be where Kelly should once again blame her rage issues or trot out that incident when she was in the fourth grade and someone forgot to pick her up at school and thereby caused her to become psychotic. It does not go that way, however. Why? Because Kelly is a f*cking insane person, that’s why! Sure, first she responds that she’s ashamed by her behavior at that dinner — but then she makes sure to tell Heather it wasn’t her place to tell her to leave. Not only that! Can Heather even IMAGINE how hurtful it was to hear that Kelly’s presence around Heather’s son concerns her? Are the tears dripping from Kelly’s eyes enough to confirm that she IS a good person, even for tweens? How is it possible that she became a Real Housewife, called someone a c*nt over dinner, and now someone has the gall to question her INTEGRITY? Life is so unfair, you guys, even for a wonderful mother who is a multimillionaire. But Kelly swears things will be different moving forward — and if you believe that, allow me to sing you a song I wrote about the many blessings Vicki Gunvalson brings to this world while Jimmy Edmonds accompanies me on his recorder.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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