Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 9/12/16

Back in Glamis, Tamra arrives and is greeted by Heather with a hug. She looks shaky, asks for some wine that Heather refuses to give her because she’s on painkillers, and then settles down in a chair while Kelly drones on and on about how she thought Vicki and Tamra were going to end up as paraplegics because Kelly is nothing if not walking f*cking sunshine. Meanwhile, back at Meghan’s air-conditioned oasis, the two couples tuck into some phenomenal looking chocolate cake and check out the selfies that were snapped of Vicki as she was air-lifted to a hospital where it was proven that she is, in fact, just fine. Shannon is perplexed that in what could have been a dire moment someone took pictures. Heather, Tamra, and Kelly are still perplexed that Shannon and Meghan haven’t run like track stars directly to the hospital to soothe a woman they both hate. And I am perplexed because I am trying to figure out where I can get a slice of that chocolate cake delivered to me on my couch at this very second.

Over in the dunes, the ladies are sitting beside a bonfire and they FaceTime Vicki. She mentions her neck was in spasms, that she forgives Tamra, and that life sucks because nobody is there with her. I’m willing to wager a small fortune that she did text Brooks from that hospital bed with the thought racing through her loins that maybe he’d hear she was hurt and rethink leaving her, but if that event actually transpired, it was sadly kept off camera. Instead, the women profess to love one another madly and this might be the thing that gets Vicki off several sh*t lists sooner than anyone ever expected. In even more surprising news, Kelly lavishes (rather deserved) praise upon Heather for staying calm in a crisis and for being so loving. Yes, the same lady who has sneered into Heather’s face and behind Heather’s back for weeks and weeks proclaims her to be an absolute angel and it would be sweet to see if I didn’t expect Kelly to take a sh*t in one of Heather’s shoes come sunrise.

The trip to Glamis is finally over and the ladies finally get the hell out of there. Meghan and Shannon are still together at Meghan’s house, though, and they call Tamra to check on her. It’s during this conversation that Tamra recounts how horrific the accident was. She gives details they didn’t hear yesterday and then she chokes up and says how terrible she thinks it is that neither one of them went to see Vicki. She had to take an Uber home! She was wearing a paper gown! How dare they say she is not a friend? Listen, I get Tamra’s thought process here in a way. She has forgiven Vicki’s horrendous behavior time and time again and cannot comprehend that someone else is not willing to compromise an entire belief system the way she’s so willing to do. But what she fails to understand is that some people are not willing to accept being sh*t on for what feels like centuries by a nasty insurance broker and still end up running to her bedside when she’s suffering. Is one person right here and one person is wrong? I’d almost be willing to concede Tamra has a point – until she ends the phone call with, “You know what, Meghan? Go to hell.” My Lord, what would Jesus say to that bit of verbal vomit, Ms. Judge?

Back at home and rocking a neck brace, Vicki calls her daughter to see how her recent PET scan went. Brianna is depressed and tells her mother how very down she feels. Vicki’s response is to literally say, “Don’t you be depressed when I’m depressed.” Ladies and gentlemen, Vicki Gunvalson! Even her own daughter wonders how much her mother might be embellishing her ailments, but it’s hard to concentrate on any of that truth when Meghan has just shown up at Vicki’s front door. She’s starting to feel guilty that she didn’t understand the severity of the accident and she stops by Vicki’s home to give her one of the candles Jimmy makes so he doesn’t have to talk to his wife in the evening-time. Vicki mentions she has a concussion and she feels achey, to which Meghan begins to cry because she cannot believe how reckless Tamra – you know, the lady who just told her to go to hell – was while driving with three lives in her hand. To Vicki’s credit (it hurts just typing those words), she sticks up for Tamra and absolves her of any blame. But then she cannot help but mutter about how she doesn’t understand why it takes something life threatening for Meghan to show her some compassion. Meghan stammers in response, feels horribly guilty, and bursts into even more tears while Vicki somehow manages to hobble away from this scenario with Meghan apologizing to her for not being willing to overlook all the terrible things Vicki has done to her in the past and this scene alone has probably earned Vicki a f*cking raise and a spot on next season’s show and I think that means I should just let go of the fantasy that she’ll ever leave Bravo and instead double down on my hope for that zero-calorie Twix bar.

Over in CUT Fitness, Tamra is testing what she’s capable of doing and listening to Jesus’ voice bellowing for her to “slow her roll” until she feels better. It’s not just Jesus telling her to take it easy. Her trainer and her husband are also cautioning her to focus on her health and not push herself to enter a competition until she’s actually ready. Back at Vicki’s brown house, she continues to hold court from her recliner while she accepts visitors. Heather is up next and girlfriend is pissed to hear Meghan came by since the drive from her Newport home to Vicki’s house is actually farther than the drive would have been from the golf course to the hospital where everyone pretends Vicki was fighting for her very last breath. Kelly and Tamra come over next and this foursome – having survived a trauma together and banding tight over which lady they should collectively loathe next – is now as close as can be. Yes, Vicki has shimmied herself back into the group and the entire thing is frankly revolting to watch.

And now that she’s firmly been installed on the sh*t list, Shannon wanders into a dinner with Tamra and Heather. She’s wary of being around friends who are clearly annoyed with her, but Shannon might be in luck because these two seem to hate Meghan right now way more. They don’t understand, for instance, why Meghan didn’t tell Shannon about the accident the second she arrived at her home or why she perhaps didn’t hire a skywriter so Shannon could glimpse the news while she was driving. Shannon is quick to say that she doesn’t believe Meghan had any ill intent by not telling her the news sooner and she all but begs them not to allow this incident to come between them and Meghan. Heather, however, is not ready forgive Meghan or her fetus for not calling to check in and see how Heather is doing after the accident. And Tamra? Well, Tamra still cannot understand why Shannon didn’t race to her mortal enemy’s bedside, even though that enemy was released from the hospital later that same night.

“Now that you know the whole story, though, I’m a little annoyed that you’re not more annoyed with Meghan,” Heather huffs to Shannon after finally deciding to forgive Shannon for not giving Vicki a sponge bath or booking into her hospital room with a new pair of sweatpants. But Meghan? Meghan is dead to Heather and to Tamra too and it doesn’t seem to matter that Shannon is trying with all of her might to defend the woman who made the very same choice Shannon made. In fact, Heather announces that if Meghan so much as tries to turn her guilt in Heather’s direction, Heather will not be okay with it. Now, I don’t know exactly what that kind of threat from Heather Dubrow entails, but I’m quite sure she can bury several bodies across the vast acreage of Chateau Dubrow and it might be wise not to piss her off, especially while that place is still a construction zone and there’s cement aplenty dotting the premises.

Once she gets home, Shannon roams her mansion and makes note of all she must soon part with since the buyer of her home wants her furniture, too. Fine. She will give up the tufted ottoman thing in her foyer that I f*cking love, but – so help her – her tchotchkes are going with her. I can’t help it – I love this woman. I love her quirky humor. I love her weird bunny tchotchkes. I even love her when she folds and finally reaches out to Vicki, but only because she is, as she so succinctly puts it, the last assh*le to cave. She leaves Vicki a voicemail and lets her know she’s thinking about her – and her work as a decent human being is now done.

Not in any way done is Heather. She’s meeting up with Meghan to express how disappointed she is with Meghan’s behavior and it’s a meeting of misery right there at that table. Meghan announces she’s depressed. Heather announced she’s suffering from PTSD. Then they get into it. Yes, Heather hung up on Meghan. True, Meghan didn’t know quite how bad the accident was. In fact, she texted Vicki after her phone call with Heather and Vicki was communicating back, an act that made Meghan see the accident as more minor than it was.

“I can only understand what I heard on the phone,” Meghan pleads. But Heather’s not done. She’s still furious and her face is hard and blank when Meghan bursts into a litany of apologies – but by apology number eighty-six, Heather’s rage is finally sated and they end the meal agreeing to stay friends. Such a truce is probably a good idea. After all, Meghan may very well need a place to stay someday down the bumpy line, right?

Next week, Vicki will explore the glory that is Tinder. And in totally unrelated news, I will be touring some convents because I find it best to exist in an online world where I don’t have to worry about swiping in any direction and landing on an image of Vicki Gunvalson’s face.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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