The next afternoon, Vicki arrives at a store and promptly gets her shoe stuck in the floor, makes sure to announce she’s wearing Prada, and then reaches out to retrieve the nipple cover that fell out of her shirt. Tamra shows up and thinks it’s just hilarious that Vicki is oh so kooky and the inane friendship between these two people appears secure and will probably stay that way until Sweeps rolls around and Tamra shrieks at her to go f*ck herself. (I’ve already set my DVR for that episode because nothing besides a commercial with a prancing Old English Sheepdog makes me happier than Vicki Gunvalson being rendered speechless. It happens far too infrequently for my liking.) Anyway, for now Tamra and Vicki love each other again and they’re shopping for dresses to wear to Heather’s book release and chatting about the date Vicki just went on with some police officer. If you too just thought maybe you’d accidentally ingested a small tab of mescaline because your rational mind believed there’s no way any man on this or any other planet would deign to take this idiot out on a date, you’re not alone. So yeah, Vicki is dating again and this one isn’t claiming to have some horrible disease so maybe he’s a keeper, at least until the doctors at the asylum he escaped from are able to restrain him with a tranquilizer dart and cart him back to the hospital.
Also: Vicki has a hickey on her t*t.
Also: I just threw up my spleen.
In another store, Shannon is shopping for organic mattresses for her daughters. There will be no metal or toxic materials touching the epidermis of her brood, but even more concerning to her at the moment is the way Vicki’s now running around and claiming Shannon’s a liar. Even Kelly has jumped into the action by telling Tamra that not only does Vicki know something incriminating about Shannon and her marriage, but what she knows is bad. See, Vicki cannot stand the hypocrisy that surrounds her like a cloud of bullsh*t she created with her very own intestines, so if Shannon is going to say Vicki lied about Brooks having cancer, Vicki will announce to the world something completely unrelated just to torture the woman. That’s her pathetic plan and she will stick to it until she dies.
Speaking of death, Kelly and Michael sit on the beach and discuss the misery that is their marriage. They both admit they’ve been arguing a lot lately and that they shouldn’t do that in front of their daughter. I agree with them! They should NOT berate one another in front of their impressionable kid, but perhaps they also shouldn’t be broadcasting their misery on television either, no? (Sorry. Bringing rational thoughts into this equation will just be confusing.) Anyway, Kelly wonders if their drinking might be causing them to fight more — you don’t say! — but whatever the reason, she’s got her Life Coach’s horrendous advice ringing in her ears to try to make this splintered marriage work so she can fight with another human being each and every day rather than ever have to face the terror of being on her own. As far as Michael is concerned, he’s willing to step up his game. He will plan date nights weekly and only tell his wife to f*ck off biweekly and I’m pretty sure we’re watching a moment their daughter will one day screen on a loop for her therapist.
Over at Meghan’s house, she and Jim are cooking and discussing her longstanding depression. Her emotional pain has become more pronounced since she got pregnant and she’s seeing a therapist to try to deal with it all. As one would expect, Jim shows absolutely no interest or concern for his wife’s emotional wellbeing. Seriously. The guy doesn’t even break a sweat. Still, I’d rather camp out in that kitchen where empathy goes to die than enter Vicki’s house where she’s filming a commercial for her “cancer charity.” For the life of me, I cannot understand how any qualified businessperson would make the choice to select Vicki as the spokesmodel for anything, let alone a disease she was linked to fraudulently, but then again, I’m f*cking normal.
And now it’s time for my two favorite people on this show to spend the afternoon together. Heather shows up at Shannon’s new home to marvel at the views and the total lack of furniture in the place. Then she asks about what went down between Shannon and Vicki at the candle party after Heather booked from the premises because the stench of the place almost killed her. Shannon explains how Vicki claimed Shannon has told bold lies, and that’s when Heather reveals that Kelly recently said much the same thing. Yup, with a big disgusting smirk, Kelly poured herself a drink and assured Heather that the dirt Vicki has on Shannon is both bad and accurate and Heather — who obviously took an ethics class while the rest of these assh*les were buying cleavage-baring Lycra tops — explains that when one is keeping a secret, one should also refrain from announcing that she knows a secret. She’s reading the situation absolutely accurately. What she knows is that Vicki is making veiled threats by brandishing this secret bullsh*t to the masses. I’m also going to bet that Vicki has some sordid secret about Andy Cohen and half the executives at Bravo because besides blackmail, I can see no other reason why she’s still on this show.
Later in the week, Heather and Terry gear up for their book release party. There’s an ice sculpture with their faces carved into it and enough champagne to keep Heather sort of calm and Vicki shows up with the guy she’s dating. I swear, it makes more sense that Vicki is now a cancer charity advocate than the fact that some guy is choosing to be with this woman. Surely there’s some other human being with a vagina the guy could spend time with, no?
Also: Meghan tells us, “Jim Edmonds is a closet sweetheart.”
Also: I don’t believe her.
At some point during the evening, Shannon decides that she needs to pretend to like Vicki for a little while so everyone will stop telling her to make amends with the lady so she wades over to her and starts chatting. They manage to not call one another assh*les for the evening so the entire thing is, I suppose, a success even though I’d rather pack another person’s entire existence in bubble-wrap and participate in yet another move than be in the same room as Vicki and the man who left a hickey near her nipple. Still, no blood is shed at this party. Not only that! Pregnant Meghan has been researching her lineage and she’s realized that her family tree leads all the way to Ireland! What does any of this have to do with the Housewives? Well, it’s time to announce the never-organically-planned season trip! A group of women who have been called liars and c*nts and dumb f*cks are jetting off to Ireland together! I ask you, my friends: what could POSSIBLY go wrong?
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.