ROUND FOUR: HEATHER VS. TERRY
It’s been Heather’s opinion all season that her husband has been missing out on valuable family time. Even their kids seem to notice his absence and they appear to be legitimately upset by it. Their comments worked to make Terry feel sufficiently guilty enough to vow that he would be more present. These people seem to have a relatively normal family, so I hope Terry makes good on those promises. That said, ginormous mansions do not pay for themselves and I’m guessing it’s the guy’s unceasing hustle that helped fund a house so large that it should get its own vote in the Electoral College during the next election. And that election cannot come soon enough.
Winner: Heather. The woman gets what she wants and I applaud her for it every single time.
ROUND FIVE: VICKI VS. TOTAL F*CKING DESPERATION
I can’t stand the woman, but I’m not saying that Vicki always has it easy. She’s watched her child go through medical emergencies while caring for her grandchildren and all of that must have been painful. Unfortunately, the footage of a harried person that almost caused me to feel the inklings of empathy is followed up by clips of Vicki deciding to become a spokesperson for a cancer charity after already having been a part of a rather public cancer scam. Then we see footage of her announcing to her stunned-silent children that she is never the cause of problems in any of her relationships. Serious question: how can one actually be this lacking in self-awareness when eleven years of your greatest mistakes have been aired on television? There’s not a shot in hell Vicki will ever learn or become even partially normal and if she says her love-tank is overfilled one more time, I might never find the strength to ever leave the house again.
Winner: Total f*cking desperation – though I give her credit for helping her kids buy their houses. Down payments make lovely presents, even if they’re gifted by a monster.
ROUND SIX: KELLY VS. BASIC HUMAN DECENCY
Yes, Kelly truly is a moron. She makes up her own words and forms sentences with greater effort than a preverbal toddler just waking up from a fever dream, but she does manage to get her profanity out relatively easily. She’s called other Housewives “dumb f*cks” and “c*nts,” but it is Vicki she decides is wise enough to be called “a Buddha.” In this clip package, we watch Kelly rail against just about everyone and say the most cruel things she was able to get her tiny brain to muster up in her most frenzied and defensive moments. This is a woman who gets so angry that she verbally explodes and the cycle has gotten her exactly where she is right now: sitting on a couch with women who can’t stand her with her only real ally being someone who is just as universally loathed. But Kelly will never change just like Vicki will never change. They are two very sick women who validate each other’s awfulness and they are too busy grandly rolling their eyes to listen to the truth Heather tries to get them to hear. Kelly can only rage, apologize, and lie – and then she does every single bit of it again and again because she sucks as a human lady. Want some proof? After the montage of her behaving like a manic creature ends, Andy asks if that footage was hard for her to watch. “No,” replies the creature with a quick shake of her tail. “Why should it be?” Enough f*cking said. This woman should be studied by whichever scientist pulls the shortest stick in all the land.
Winner: Nobody. Kelly exists in this world so we all kind of lose big here.
ROUND SEVEN: TAMRA VS. KARMA
Being that one of the things that got Tamra most upset was Kelly bringing up her parenting and her custody issues, it’s somewhat ironic that there’s all this footage of Tamra over the years criticizing the parenting of some of her least favorite Housewives (and Slade, who somehow still manages to make an appearance on this f*cking show). It’s not Tamra’s finest moment on that couch as she is confronted with all of the evidence, but she does own up to having anger issues that she has been working on combatting with the help of her savior. I’d personally rather watch Tamra glare at Vicki for a full hour straight – Tamra is an excellent glarer – than be taken to task for her stupidity over the years, but what was once said on camera exists forever and Tamra has to eat just a little bit of sh*t here. Luckily, sh*t has no carbs.
Winner: Karma – and it’ll win every single time.
This Reunion will finally end next week and it’s sure to end nasty. The coming attractions alone show us Tamra calling Vicki “Old Woman,” Kelly announcing that she believes everyone in the world adores her completely, and Vicki insinuating that she’s got all sorts of proof that Shannon’s husband once beat her. So tell me again that these people are not threats to decency as we know it. Tell me again that it is acceptable behavior for a grown woman to drag out an alleged and horrific family secret that belongs to another family entirely just so she can briefly clear her name. And when you’re finished telling me all of that with as straight a face as you can possibly muster, please appeal to President Cohen to finally cut these monsters from our airwaves forever. There’s just too much pain in the world to entertain such bullsh*t anymore.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.