ROUND THREE: ALL THE WOMEN VS. NORMAL HUMAN BEHAVIOR IN IRELAND
Yes, once again we get to watch the disgusting footage of Kelly losing her mind in Ireland and retaliating against being told that her nose-flicking thing is annoying by announcing that now she understands why Tamra’s daughter has chosen to remain estranged. I will absolutely agree that Tamra calling Kelly out in public for checking up on Heather’s finances was a serious d*ck move and it was also wrong of Shannon to try to get her drunk, but none of it can serve as justification for continuing to be the kind of horrible person who says vicious things and then disavows any responsibility for the ramifications of those actions. On a positive note – and I’m scraping the f*cking gutter here – we do get to watch Tamra scream “F*ck you!” once more into Vicki’s face for telling tales about her husband’s alleged love of d*ck. What do all of these women have to say now about such disgraceful behavior? Well, Kelly once again relies upon the moronic logic that her sense of humor is the sort where if someone doesn’t think something is riotously funny the first seven times, she will keep doing it. But none of that matters because Kelly knows for sure that she was ganged up on for no reason whatsoever.
Shannon’s got something to answer for here. She did order Kelly drinks when Kelly tried to refuse, and I’m not so sure I buy the excuses that she was just trying to be festive and wake them all up. I like Shannon, especially when she’s sitting across from demonic entities like Vicki and Kelly who suck Satan’s toasted and roasted balls, but I don’t entirely believe her here. Still, should Shannon insist that her next enema must take place while she sits on Kelly’s lap, I’d take her side and agree that yes, she should clean out her colon immediately and make Kelly clean up after the procedure without wearing gloves. See, that’s what a piece of sh*t I think Kelly is – I am absolutely fine with the notion that she end up literally covered in someone else’s sh*t. And just to be clear, I did not randomly choose Kelly’s name at the start of this season so now I have to say nasty things about her. It has been her asinine behavior that has caused me to feel this way, and her absolute refusal to own any of her nonsense is f*cking clinical in its depravity. As for what really matters (since Kelly does not), when it was revealed in the van that Vicki told Kelly that David once beat the sh*t out of Shannon, all hell broke loose. Shannon reiterates that nothing of the sort ever transpired and the fact that Vicki put that story out there is horrifying. What Shannon explains is that, over a decade ago, she called the police after a fight with her husband, one that was purely verbal, but Vicki – always proving that she’s such a kind and devout Christian – wants everyone to know that she has proof that David physically hurt his wife. “I didn’t want to do this…” Vicki begins, and on the other couch, Tamra laughs meanly. “You didn’t want to do this?” she asks incredulously and then she goes ahead and calls her former best friend “a piece of dogsh*t.” Shannon’s story continues next with a bizarre tale about being drugged in a bar and falling down and getting bruises a few days after learning about David’s affair. I don’t fully understand all of what she says, but the bulk of it appears to be something very true: this woman has bared her entire relationship before the cameras, including some very dark moments. There’s ample reason to believe she’s not hiding anything now, so for Vicki to insinuate such a dangerous allegation while wearing a f*cking microphone is maybe the worst thing she’s ever done – and let’s not forget that this is the same woman who put the term “love tank” into our vernacular and lied about her boyfriend needing an IV in the dead of night so she could get herself some sympathy. “I hope it’s not true,” shrugs Vicki, and not a piece of me believes this assh*le for even a second. As Shannon sobs and leaves the set with Tamra following her, Heather stays seated and lays into Vicki for her audacity. “It really speaks to your character that you would recklessly repeat this to Kelly,” Heather explains. “I’m highly disgusted.” And with that eloquent beat down, all Vicki can say is that she’s disgusted, too. Is there a mirror on the set she briefly gazed into? Why is Vicki disgusted here? Oh, because she’s a cruel monster? Okay. Mystery solved.
Winner: Heather, Tamra, and Shannon. While everyone was rather poorly behaved in Ireland, at least these three are definitely human.
ROUND FOUR: VICKI VS. THE SOUND BARRIER
I hate pretty much everything about Vicki Gunvalson, but besides her personality and her moral character and her heaving cleavage, what I hate the very most is the way her shrieks end up sounding like some sort of punishment only Schnauzers can hear. In this segment, Vicki breaks the f*cking sound barrier by shrieking that Shannon made her look like a con woman who lied about cancer, but let’s be clear here. It was not Shannon who made Vicki look like a liar; it was Vicki being a complete liar that made her look like a liar and the fact that she will never embrace what was her role in Brooks’ scam means she needs to be knocked off television forever. I’d rather watch a toddler parade around in a tiara. I’d rather see a six-hour reunion of Jersey Shore. I’d rather stare at Donald Trump stalking his opponent during one more debate than pay any more attention to this harpy who needs to be shoved inside of her all-brown house and then be left there to rot.
Winner: Ugh, Vicki. The woman broke the f*cking sound barrier yet again. But at least this time she did it without being decked out in a Flashdance-style sweatshirt and rocking crimped hair.
ROUND FIVE: VICKI VS. TAMRA & EDDIE’S SEXUALITY
“How would I know if it’s true?” Vicki asks about the rumor she started and then spread about Eddie’s sexuality. “Um, because your friend told you it’s not true?” responds Meghan. Yes, Tamra and Eddie have been together for seven years and Tamra’s former friend has taken great pleasure in wondering aloud about whether or not he likes ladies and their parts. Tamra’s heard that Vicki’s been spreading this rumor for years and she all but laughs the story off, but she tells Vicki once again that maybe she should stop spreading stories if she has no idea about their veracity.
Winner: Tamra. I’m pretty sure she got properly laid after the Reunion.
ROUND SIX: HEATHER VS. KELLY
Kelly has an announcement to make, you guys. She wants us all to know that the entre world now hates Heather and loves her the best – and then she smirks grossly one more time and I have officially f*cking had it.
Winner: Heather
And with all of that viciousness and no actual closure to be found, this season finally screeches to a close with a segment Andy Cohen tries to pass off as a healing moment because all the Housewives are asked to announce their single greatest regret. Everyone comes up with something, even Kelly who has no regrets, but the greatest regret of most women in that room should have is that they have spent the last several months (and years) associating with garbage people. After all this time, not a bit has actually been resolved and should this cast remain the same, I’m gonna need to officially call it a day. But I’m sure I’ll see Kelly and Vicki again. I hear Celebrity Rehab is always trolling for stars.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.