Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 9/12/16

Before anyone loses their sh*t too completely because Meghan and Shannon did not immediately teleport themselves to a hospital in the desert so they could hold the hand of a wounded liar, allow us to consider some of the many reasons that perhaps prompted them not to go:

1. They needed time to make a casserole. 2. Meghan gazed deeply into her husband’s eyes, saw what she believed was a sparkle, and realized the glistening shimmer covering his pupils meant there was a possibility he was going to attempt to be kind to her for fifteen whole minutes that day. Since such an event happens less frequently than an eclipse, there was no way she was gonna miss it to go hang out with Vicki f*cking Gunvalson. 3. Shannon – though she was blessedly not a passenger on the Vomit RV to Hell where some sh*t-talking about her vow renewal ceremony went down – knows Vicki well enough to realize how emphatically not happy Vicki is that Shannon’s life is improving and therefore doesn’t want … Continue reading

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 9/5/16

Sure, sometimes I allude to the possibility that the crazy cruelty, incessant idiocy, and stomach-churning hatred heaved out into the world by our Real Housewives of Orange County could bring about the kind of fiery day of reckoning Tamra studies with her personal trainer/spiritual guru while she’s doing burpees. Yes, I’ve suggested Vicki pantomiming the act of nailing herself to a crucifix during a party in Newport Beach might very well lead to Catholicism as a whole shutting down just so the religion’s followers do not have to be in any way associated with a creature I’m pretty sure was thought up by Satan himself after a particularly rough week. And okay, fine – I’ve called some of these women morons and lunatics and Mephistopheles’ assh*le. I’ve giggled uncontrollably just glancing at the hideous purses Gretchen once thought would make her a millionaire and I’ve gone on record saying I’d rather drink the urine of a possum in heat than ever so much as taste Vicki’s Wines By Wives. I stand by those comments; they’re … Continue reading

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 8/29/16

Oh, Kelly. You are such a tragic moron. First of all, you managed to convince yourself it would be nothing short of wise and incredibly fun to go on this show, even though you claim to have been a multimillionaire for eons and therefore must not need the money. Secondly, you waded into these (well publicized) rage-filled waters although you’ve diagnosed yourself with the very broad and convenient ailment of Anger Issues. Thirdly, you bizarrely chose to align yourself with perhaps the only human lady in the entire stratosphere less appealing than you are and you actually then had the idiotic gumption to raise the millionth glass of alcohol you’ve swallowed since you’ve been on this show and toasted to the fact that everyone else must simply be devastated that they can’t BE you, even after it’s been made alarmingly clear that to be you means to be ostracized because most decent people refuse to even attempt to stomach your hideous personality. Cheers, Kelly! Here’s to your eyes growing ever wider in surprise that everyone … Continue reading