REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 2/15/12

Let us begin. Gretchen introduces her incredibly good friend Sarah to Vicki. Sarah looks like a bedraggled cross between Tiger Woods’ ex-ladyfriend (and former Celebrity Rehabber) Rachel Uchitel and Chloe Lattanzi, daughter of my idol Olivia Newton-John and contestant on short-lived MTV competition program “Rock the Cradle”. Clearly Sarah will either be a plot point or a full-fledged FOH this season. Vicki gives her the usual VG mouth-hanging-open, blank stare welcome. Thanks for coming.

With Peggy and Alexis in the same venue for the first time since last season’s eeek-inducing reunion, we have to rehash the ultimate OC mystery: why in hell would Peggy have hooked up with Jumbo Bellino? There are a lot of things that don’t make sense in the OC, but none more than that. Alexis is still unable to poop over the fact that Peggy didn’t tell her about their dalliance. Girl, aside from the fact that that’s a husband/wife conversation, Peggy is clearly embarrassed and hoped like hell no one would find out, least of all you. And she really wishes you would stop bringing it up.

So it’s awkward, and after circling each other and greeting all the strangers with warm, long-lost hellos, Peggy and Alexis have no choice but to finally break the ice. Peggy goes first by graciously thanking Alexis for her text of concern when Lil’ Wichita broke her arm. She had to get pins in it. And hey, Alexis once broke her LEG and had to get pins in that! I’ll see your broken humerus and raise you a femur! That’ll learn Peggy, who is counting the minutes until the limo comes back.

Vicki cuts this short by announcing to the assembled ladybits that this party is her farewell fiesta to the family home, which is on the market and listed with Weichart Realty (www.weichart.com/realhousewife). Original April listing price was $2.695 million, then reportedly reduced to $2.495 million in June. The Weichart website still shows the original listing price; no new information to suggest additional reductions or a sale. Interestingly, when the together Gunvalsons last listed the house in 2007 (during the whole aborted “downsizing” and subsequent breakup with Jeana over her lazy gay squatter) the asking price was $3.750 million. So really, we’re at Walmart rollback prices now!

Vicki shares that Donn is still co-habiting, but has taken up with younger gals, and good for him. He needs a full love tank, too. Vicki, for her part, is dating Donn2, and as he’s from Mississippi she’s really gotten into that soulful Southern cuisine and wants to share it with the ladybits so they, too, can pack on some pounds and she’ll look slimmer by comparison. Ever since Jeana left the show it’s been a rough ride for Vicki and her figure flaws, I’ll tell you. Gretchen and Tamra decide to give Vicki and her butt a bone by toasting with oyster shooters, and Vicki is totally perplexed as to what has happened with these two b*tches. Don’t worry about it, Vicki, it won’t last.

The new girl, Sarah, announces to the group that her status is possibly engaged after her man friend offered her a ringless, half-assed, probably pretend proposal. Gretchen thinks this is great! Heather curtly disagrees. “It’s not a proposal if there’s no monetary commitment – you need a ring.” Paging Dr. Reality Steve! Didn’t you have a reader wondering if she should keep planning her pretend springtime wedding given that her pretend groom hasn’t ponied up with actual evidence of intent to appear at said nuptials? I’m with Heather on this one, and that one too.