REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 2/15/12

Over to Tamra’s opening sequence, and who’s the fat bald guy with the beard? Oh, that’s Ryan, her 20-something wayward son who had to have his steroid-engorged boobs reduced last season, and who was slapped with a restraining order just days ago by his mom’s stylist. Whoops. And what’s this claptrap sh*tshack? I guess Tamra’s still officially in the rental, which if financially impractical makes sense as her divorce is still not final. Tamra and Eddie are deeply in love – so deeply in love that they now fart in front of each other. So for her birthday, they are going to fart along to Catalina Island, with Vicki and Donn2. Sounds like a blast!

But before we go, let’s check in with Gretch who’s out hustling handbags, shall we? Slade is hauling the load of pink shiitake, as usual, so has changed out of his Zack Morris-inspired v-neck undershirt/vest/pegged jeans usual into athletic wear. It seems Gretch is doing a semi-nude photo shoot to promote her massive pink bowling ball carrier and somehow benefit Breast Cancer Charities of America. Slade has to come because he’s her research-and-development guy, the primary product tester (because if it works on his sensitive skin it’s great for everyone – no rabbits used here!) and generally Gretchen’s bitch. Oh, and he loves extra screen time. Plus, Gretchen shares, he’s more than happy to haul her sh*t because she’s loyal, hot, and good in bed. Just ask her! Photos are taken and the assembled professionals decide that the one where you can only see a sliver of hip, shoulder and wig peeking out from behind the cerise valise is the very best one. Gretch is pleased with another successful professional endeavor. She’s the boss!

Back to Tamra n’ Vicki. The requisite Bravo-contracted limo rounds the excited travelers up, and Donn2 presents Vicki with a cheesy Hallmark card. It seems Donn2 gives Vicki a card every day, and her overplumped cheeks wince with gratitude. Vicki has steroid face. Is there something we don’t know? Maybe she’s trying to backdoor in some new boobage. Donn2, whose wardrobe has been largely overhauled by Vicki and who packed what she told him to pack, also tossed in his yellow Crocs. Vicki is appalled. I have the giggles. My dad bought a pair of Crocs once in a fishing store in the Everglades. A very nice, helpful gal helped fit him, because you know Crocs require fitting, and it wasn’t until after they left the store that his giggling friends informed him that there had been a flying squirrel peeking out from his shorts the whole time. Low-ball, indeed.

Anyway, after collecting Eddie on the side of the road and tweezing his nosehair, the group heads to the Catalina Island ferry dock. Catalina Island, Vicky explains, is a wonderful little island full of “bed-and-breakfastes” that you can see off Newport, much as you can see Russia from Sarah Palin’s backyard. I think Ms. Palin has found her running mate.

“Woo-hoo! Boat!” trumpets Ms. Gunvalson, and we’re ahoy, mateys! The crew settles into a spacious booth and breaks out the Champale and tequila shots. Donn2 tries to fill his love tank by getting cozy with Vicki, but she does not do PDA. However, she has committed to being celibate with him. What a lucky guy! Tamra corrects her: “You want to be MONOGAMOUS! Isn’t that the word?” and interprets for the hearing impaired with the official ASL “finger-in-the-hole” sign. Right, that! Vicki meant F**KING! None of this keeping the vessel pristine stuff. Far too late for that.

So next thing you know I don’t know what happened – Vicki and Eddie were busy making unattractive faces at each other, when out of the blue, BAM! Tamra grabs Donn2’s meaty paw and clamps it to her rock hard, oversized jug. Egads, woman! And even more inconceivably, proceeds to assign blame to Eddie and tear him a new one. “Don’t drink anymore!” she thunders as they deboat. Whaaaaat? “Don’t act like a f**king idiot anymore!” he retorts. Yeah! “Kiss my ass!” she shouts. “BE RIGHT THERE!” calls Donn2. Tamra proceeds to tear into sweet Eduardo that HE is psychotic, needs to get a grip, and needs to apologize – because SHE felt driven by his actions to put another man’s hand on her bazoom. It’s all his fault! The two clutch hands and put on brave, steely smiles for the arrivals crew, like the Queen of England and Prince Philip. All’s good here, folks! Fun times ahead!

Next time: Eddie tells Tamra off, a field trip to Timree to get creative with paint, and Gretch takes on Miss Vicki over whose man’s child support arrears are more egregious! Later!

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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