I am so glad Alexass and I are not friends, and I feel sorry for Peggy because I am sure she is so embarrassed and wishes everyone would just STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. I’ve made mistakes too, I get it. I went out a very few times with a guy who was perfectly unremarkable, just sort of callow and potato-y, and it was altogether forgettable until he suddenly came to work at my company. In my department! Quickly became a daily, mortifying reminder of the dangers of boredom, and such a deviation from course never recurred. Don’t go fishing just because you’ve got nothing better to do, that’s my advice.
Anyway, back to the party. Tamra has arrived trying to go all virginal in white lace and pearls with a sidepony. You aren’t fooling me, you cheap floozy. Tamra’s still not feeling well. Either her misadventure on Catalina has lingered longer than expected, or could Tamra be Ramonacepted, too? Vicki thinks that at “their age” pregnancy is not appropriate. Tamra, who is 43 or something like that, is horrified that Vicki (who is 57, I just know it) is claiming they are the same age. They are NOT. And now things are off on the wrong foot.
Alexass and Gretch roll in, and it seems to me that Alexass has decided she’s going to be “the funny one” this season. Oh, she’s funny alright. A regular Lucille Ball. She’s also going to disagree with and dismiss every single thing Heather has to say because that’s how she stays is control, see. Heather is opening a restaurant in Orange County because there aren’t any good restaurants there. Alexass finds this assertion offensive. Plenty of good places where she can mix up Jumbo’s special sauce and feed him his shrimps. Tamra and Gretch tell everyone about the blow job helper; Heather does a very long, slow blink, breathes “OH MY”, and turns away like she smells something nasty. She’s married and doesn’t have to do those things anymore. Alexass smells vulnerability: “In ten years let’s see if you’re still married! AH HA HA!”, she crows, slapping her knee. Yeah, you got her now, Alexass. Heather, for her part, doesn’t feel she should be discussing her marital relations with new friends and strangers at a cocktail party. Take that, Assy.
Alexass is finding herself crowded out; first there’s the friendship bracelet thing, now she’s got Heather dazzling the assembled with tales about being an actress and singer with a 14-piece big band. Dr. Terry arrives and everyone starts peppering him with plastic surgery questions. But Alexass doesn’t need to answer any questions, because she already knows everything about it! I don’t think that’s playing quite the way she intended. What’s a phony, talentless, uninteresting dingbat to do? Well, when a narcissist feels attention is slipping away, there’s only one solution: insert yourself in the middle of the closest scenario and make a scene. Thus our Assy announces that she’s so happy Gretchen and Tamra are friends, because “we worked all year on this!” “What?” say Gretch and Tamra, one more perplexed than the other. Oh, right, it was Alexass that brought us all together! She’s a unifying force!
Clearly the zinger about Vicki being an old bag has stung, because she’s not taking well to anything with Tamra tonight. Tamra compliments Gretch’s hair, which is straight and doesn’t look like a wig for a change, so a compliment is very appropriate. Usually Gretch looks like that Barbie Beauty Salon toy I had when I was 9 which was just a big Barbie head on a post, so change should be encouraged. Tamra thinks Gretch had the best shoe painting, and Vicki’s all mad about that, too. As Gretch says, Vicki is going to be mad if Tamra says anything nice, compliments Gretch, gives her bracelets, takes her to sex shops… can’t win with Vicki, because she’s old, crotchety, and inadequately supported. Donn2 arrives and Vicki stomps out without saying goodbye to Tamra. That’ll teach her! But all in all it is a comparatively successful social event at which five equally unappealing paintings of shoes were created, and for the most part we all go home unscathed.
Wrapping things up, Gretch comes home to Slippery Slade and tells him to get on those intertubes and look up the gossip about Donn2 having been arrested twice for failing to pay child support. Gretch just thought this was interesting scuttlebutt; it hadn’t really occurred to her that having been called out by Vicki on national television for failing to financially support his son, Slade might find this little tidbit outrageously hypocritical. Slade’s gonna put Vicki on the ropes for being a big fat phony and dishing it out when she can’t take it. Whoops. Seems cats and dogs living as one will be short-lived.
Next time: Alexass tells Heather she’s a “news anchor”, which Heather takes at face value before asking whether she’s of the Jillian Barbierie or Katie Couric variety; Slade does stand-up and it’s not funny at all; and Vicki’s daughter Brianna may have cancer again. Stay healthy, pardners! Yee-haw!
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/This-Little-Mama/245392435770
All the housewives are ridiculous people and your recaps are SO funny–which makes the housewives seem even MORE ridiculous. Thoroughly enjoy your recaps, Elizabeth!