Enough of that, let’s get on with it and head on over to Vicki’s brown house. The doorbell rings and it’s not the UPS man, it’s Tamra! Vicki tries to shut the door in her face but that wily Tamra slips on in through the mail slot. As long as you’re here, want some eggs, Tamra? Tamra wants whites only, so Vicki tells her to make her own damn eggs. I don’t recall our Tamra being quite this particular of an eater in seasons past, but she’s making a real point of her carbless lifestyle. Carb free = grouchy, for me at least, so I hope for Eddie’s sake that Tamra has adapted, and that she doesn’t suffer from the ketosis halitosis that strikes so many Atkinsians. PU.
Vicki is wearing a black sweatsuit with her black fur vest over it, and altogether looks like Big Bird dressed to burglarize Coto. Thank God she’s got her awful dog hair bangs pinned out of her face. Tamra asks her why she left in such a pissy fit after the Timree painting extravaganza. Vicki at first says she didn’t think she was crabby, then states that she is “over everybody”. Then why are you still doing this damn show, Vic? That’s just stupid.
I think when Vic’s love tank got topped off it split her into multiple personalities, and she’s making no effort to integrate. There’s “Born-Again Virgin Vicki”, where she gets all whispery and modest and blushes at the slightest suggestion of sex or booze, as well as “WAHOO Vicki”, our old tequila-sloshing, boob-flashing, profanity shouting friend we’ve come to know well these past six seasons. And as Tamra scrambled her eggs, these two Vickis are fighting for domination. First Vicki is quietly murmuring that she’s just so beyond the Housewifery, then she’s screeching at the top of her lungs about Tamra and Gretchen being BFFs. And now it’s QUIET again as she warns Tamra that her nose is about to turn brown from being “so far up Gretchen’s hmmmmpf”. What was that, Vicki? Did you mean to say BUTT? Is BUTT a bad word for Renewed Virgin Vicki? BUTT! BUTT BUTT BUTT!
On and on it goes as Tamra skitters back and forth to the garbage can, one eggshell at a time. First Vic’s sadly muttering “I’m not jealous – it’s odd,” then she’s squealing about Alexis has an amazing husband/kids/marriage/body/direct line to God. Next she’s cowering behind a potted plant whispering “I can’t understand! I can’t understand! They can’t gang up on me!” The people! The people! Someone needs to get a butterfly net.
But no, instead Tamra brought tasty lube! A peace offering acquired on her shopping excursion with Gretch! “Eeew, no!” shouts Vic. “Tasty lube is pornographic! It’s for people not in love!” Because as Air Supply says, people in love make love out of nothing at all. “So you used this with Donn?” asks Tamra. Crickets. You don’t know the half of it, Tammy Sue. Let Freedom Ring!
Eggs, shmeggs. Heather and Alexass are meeting up for some raw fish, an assortment of diet beverages, and a largish midday sake in order to get to know each other better. Heather asks Alexass about her jobette. Alexass announces that she is a news anchor on Fox 5 in San Diego. Yes, breaking news about Dr. Butt! Live, local, late breaking! Heather is a little astonished by this job title. “Are you more like Jillian Barberie, or Katie Couric?” she asks. After a long pause, Alexass declares herself a lightweight weatherperson, not an investigative journalist. Heather thought so.
Somehow the discussion of what sort of newscaster Alexass is diverts into what sort of husband Jumbo is – I think the train of thought was that Alexass is only on one broadcast in the morning, because what Jumbo says goes, and Jumbo says she needs to get her ass back in the kitchen and make him a sandwich. Heather is aghast. “Why is THAT?” she asks. Alexass looks around, mumbles some stuff about being tired as jelly and needing to go to bed when Jumbo says she should. Generally a case study in the body language of liars. Heather, we haven’t even scratched the surface of this one. Buckle up.
**correction..At the Improv Heather actually asks Jim if they would be included in the act if they weren’t there..not Alexis** This was just another attempt from Slade to stay relevant on the show. It will do anything to be a OC housewife…pathetic!