REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 2/29/12

Heather tells Alexass that she finds her to be an “enigma”. Alexass is confused and thinks Heather is telling her she is an intestinal douche. “No, an enIGma,” says Heather. “You know, you are straight but saucy at the same time.” Alexass is certain she’s not actually saucy – she was only enthusiastic about sex because of the wine. That’s probably about right, actually. It would be hard for anyone to muster enthusiasm about mounting Jumbo without adding a liter of Ramona Pinot Grigio to the mix.

Alexass tells us that she finds Heather to be “hoity-toity” and that she considers herself to be better than the rest of them b*tches, which in other words means Heather makes Alexass feel insecure. I was once accused of thinking myself “better than others”, and discussed the awkward situation with my father. My dad thought about it for a moment, and then said the accuser sounded like a pain in the ass. “And I’d rather be a snob than a pain in the ass. I wouldn’t worry about it.” Wise words! Nonetheless, Alexass pulls up her britches and tells Heather they are more similar than Heather thinks. “Hmmmm,” says Heather. Yep, that’s about right too.

Over in the alley where Gretch lives, Mama Slade is doing the dishes. Hooray, Mama Slade is here! I love Mama Slade! She is so salt of the earth. Where do you think Mama Slade is from? I am guessing Hurley, Wisconsin, which long ago had quite a prostitution ring going, legend has it. Mama Slade looks like she eats lots of pierogis and pasties. Slade’s going to use Mama as the test audience for his new standup routine, and has a practice microphone to make it seem real. Mama’s perfect because she has a quirky sense of humor, gives harsh feedback, and sports a mighty bosom.

Joke #1 is that the table tents bear instructions on how to get “naked wasted”, and it all goes downhill from there. Joke #2 is about the new National Geographic program The Housewife Hunter, and Slade draws his little weapon from his fly to take out the big buxom blonde that has broken away from the herd. Mama Slade shakes her head and tells Slippery that he needs to put away his dreams of a world comedy tour because he just doesn’t have the chops. Real comedians are born, she says, they don’t sidestep from failed efforts to achieve independent wealth into vaudeville at Slade’s advanced age. Well, if that won’t work, says Slade, I’m thinking about proposing! “No! No!” shouts Mama S, visibly stricken. Nothing starts marriage off right like an enthusiastic mother-in-law.

Speaking of marriage, Tamra and Eddie are off on a romantic hike accompanied by their dog, who is peeing every three feet. He’s marking his territory, just as Eddie did when he and Tamra first got together. Is Eddie telling us that he peed on Tamra like Ray J peed on Kim K? Kinky! Anyhoo, Tamra’s got two months left on her lease and doesn’t want to stay in that crappy craphouse any longer than she actually has to. Should she move in? Tamra is conflicted. She’s also wearing a black athletic ensemble that looks quite hot in the sun; the front bears a shiny silver fleur-de-lis, and the back a pair of equally shiny silver angel wings. I’m reminded of a lavender sweatsuit I had in 1982 that had a shiny purple hot air balloon applique on the top. I wore than damn thing pretty much every day at summer camp until my counselor made me find something else to wear, which resulted in me heading off to archery wearing a rainbow pastel seersucker buttondown and red wool plaid pants. And that’s how I learned that there’s an art to mixing patterns. Colors too. And textiles. Anyway, Tamra’s concerned about moving in without being married. Honey, this isn’t your first rodeo, and we saw that whole porn bit last season so let’s not start pretending you are a born-again virgin like Vic. The real question is whether moving in together is going to further stall your divorce negotiations, let’s admit it.