Evening falls, and Gretch comes down the stairs to visit the lover she calls “Magic Penis Man”. How romantic! Let’s all call him that. Magic Penis Man, or MPM, is wearing a wifebeater and plaid pants that look a lot like my camp pants, come to think of it. Gretch is in something from the Soft Surroundings catalog, full drag makeup, and her mermaid wig. Whatcha doing, Magic Penis Man? He’s editing the A/V presentation for his standup routine, of course! He’s got terribly unflattering bikini shots of Tamra before she cut out carbs, and whole bunch of Vicki crap. “What are you doing?” howls Gretch. “Creating an issue? Being a dick?” Well, he is Magic Penis Man. “This is going to suck assly,” she complains. Assly! That’s a new adverb. As in, this episode of RHOC sucks assly. Gretch begs him not to use this stuff in the show. Assly as that prospect may be, Gretch, it’s going to get much wider coverage on national television so to hell with it.
October 4 dawns and sets, and it’s time for the Magic Penis Show at The Improv. Gretch is in a sparkly bikini because, you know, that’s funny! Alexass and Jumbo arrive to support their friends; Heather and Dr. Terry just happened to read about the show in the newspaper so they decided to come too! And look, they are sitting together! What a coincidence. And you know what else? Heather used to do standup. “Did she do Cirque du Soleil too?” asks Alexass. “I can change diapers, football feed two babies, and make a mean meatloaf!” You know, that was sort of funny! Maybe Assy should be in the comedy showcase, too.
Gretchen comes out in an orange jumpsuit, then strips down to her bikini and makes some joke about seeking attention (you think?). No one gets it, including the first (professional) comedian who follows and opens up by asking, “what the f*ck was that?” Indeedy heeby.
Tamra is not there in support of her new BFF because she and her feather earrings are in a strip mall having fondue with Eddie. Eddie has not ever had fondue so he needs instructions. “Stick it in the cheese,” Tamra tells him. She’s not happy about the lack of a diet plate, so has a plain chicken breast. She’s all worked up and I think it’s the tofu-and-poo diet she’s on, personally. The real issue, she shares, is the kids. Simon’s shacking up with some gal and her kids are all traumatized by it, so she feels bad about moving them in with Eddie. “Where do I fit into all this?” Tamra wails. “What does that mean?” asks Ed. Yeah, what does it mean? “I’m just getting used to being a single mom,” she sobs. This is new? Don’t you remember that fatty from your intro, Ryan? I recall you have a lot of experience with single motherhood. Tamra does not want to be financially dependent on anyone again, which is perfectly fair. She doesn’t want to have a fifth baby (which is a good thing, as Vic is sure menopause is right around the corner for our Tam), she wants to start a business. Maybe she should start a stripper car wash with the Manzos. Or sell black water. Lots of concepts just waiting for launch in Hoboken.
Vic’s not at the show, either. She’s having Mexican with sweet Brianna, who is giving her mom a lot of sh*t for picking up herpes now that she’s a single swinger. She may have picked that up from Freedom Acres, just saying. Brianna has not met Donn2, and wants Vic and Donn1 to get back together. Vic says Donn1 is making no effort, that he hasn’t been fighting for her. What? Weren’t you there for the extravagant vow renewal? And regardless, when you file for divorce and take up with a slick new Donn the writing is sort of on the wall. Vicki always wants everyone to do as she says but not as she does, that’s all there is to it.
Brianna is looking good, but it’s all a façade because she’s got more thyroid tumors and it’s spread into her lymph nodes. I thought last season she got checked out and it wasn’t cancer? Apparently they aren’t sure because they are going to take her thyroid out – Vicki is freaking out about “the c word” and threatening to sleep on the hospital floor. Brianna assures her mother than she will be fine with even the worst case scenario. Really? It must really be hard to have Vicki for a mother. Certainly it would be nice if the parent could act like a parent in this situation.
Back at The Improv, a real comedian cracks some jokes about sh*t so dense the pooper thinks it should count as exercise, and watching porn like you bet you couldn’t. Alexass doesn’t get it, but Jumbo instructs her to nod, so she does. Alexass doesn’t poop, I guess, which explains a lot. But this bit’s done and it’s time for the premiere of the Magic Penis Man Comedy Show! He starts with a photo of his first Housewife, Jo, and it just keeps on going. I wonder if Lynne will get an appearance fee for the photo montage. MPM likens Tamra to the Michelin Man, and compares Vicki to Miss Piggy. I am a big Muppet fan and think that’s mean to Miss Piggy. Vic looks like a hare to me. Heather asks Alexass if they would be part of the act if they weren’t actually there; Alexass says no. Don’t be so sure, my dear.
Finally it’s over, and back in the car the Magic Penis Man is thrilled. The Gretch is NOT. She feels he’s gone too far and is messing up her friendships. MPM thinks it is open season because they have prevented him from getting work. Gretch wants him to call Tamra and Vicki and straighten this out. MPM tells her that they can call HIM and come to his house. He’s had enough. I can’t blame him, really. But he wasn’t funny, that’s for sure. This was one of those episodes where everything in it was just there to stick plot points in the narrative. Bleh.
Next time: Tamra and Vicki are mad, everyone’s dressed like Madonna, and MPM shows up in a mullet wig. I love it when the Housewives have a costume party! Till then!
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/This-Little-Mama/245392435770
**correction..At the Improv Heather actually asks Jim if they would be included in the act if they weren’t there..not Alexis** This was just another attempt from Slade to stay relevant on the show. It will do anything to be a OC housewife…pathetic!