REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 3/7/12

And that’s the news. Let’s get back to the OC, where the Magic Penis Man is driving Gretchen around again. MPM has decided that his calling in life is not chauffeuring, but comedy! Telling jokes makes all his troubles fade away. Some people try yoga, or drinking; Slade likes to be the center of attention and make fun of people. Solving his problems by making misery for others. Gretchen is perplexed by this latest career fantasy; last season MPM aspired to be a painter, this season he’s a comedian. Next season perhaps he will become a handfisher or an alligator wrestler. But all in all, our Gretchen just wants MPM to be happy, and so as long as his act doesn’t involve the housewives she doesn’t care. MPM agrees to leave the ladies out of it. So now what act does he have? Juggling? Balloon penii?

Meanwhile, Heather is getting together with Tamra for lunch at some Mexican/Southwestern looking place. Chips and salsa are brought to the table and Tammy Faye’s panic button goes off. Carbs! Unattended carbs! Tamra has decided to get the ladies together for another night of Bunco. I haven’t been to a Bunco party but I understand it involves dice and a lot of drinking. And in the case of the last OC Bunco night, flammable wigs. This time, Tamra’s going to pull the gals together for an 80’s night. Does Bunco really require a theme? Costumes are a healthy distraction from the usual Housewife social dynamic, I suppose.

Speaking of the social dynamic, Heather feels she needs to tell Tamra what went on at the comedy showcase. Heather thought Gretchen was “brave” (okay….), but that MPM went too far. At best, says Heather, his show was dumb. Why is MPM so mad? Is he jealous of Eddie? (Mmmm, nope. I don’t think that’s it.) How are Tamra and Gretchen going to be friends with all this ill-considered negativity flapping about? Heather feels the answer is to shut the Magic Penis Man down by killing him with kindness. Oh, that’ll work.
Elsewhere in the OC, Alexass is sitting on the curb outside her plastic surgeon’s office after being dropped off by the crosstown bus, because Jumbo is too busy in San Diego doing some bidness to drive her. She calls up Gretchen and pleads with her to come hold her hand for her pre-surgical assessment, but Gretchen is way too busy curling her wig and fluffing pink pillows. Why is Alexass all in a panic? Doesn’t she work for the surgeon?

Alexass is here for a nose job. But it’s really a medical thing, see, as we can tell as the camera lingers on the CAT scan and the prominent placement of the patient’s name, BELLINO, ALEXASS FRAZEE, on the corner. So this really, really is A’s deviated septum and blocked up sinus. I told you, Alexass, stop putting beans up your nose! Do you suppose she snores? I am thinking yes. Anyway, as long as the doctor is correcting all this inside stuff, Alexass is going to have him remove the bump she loathes with such fervor. How convenient! But what’s not convenient is the fact that rearranging A’s nose is going to require general anesthesia, which is putting Alexass in a major panic. The good doctor does not understand what her problem is since he put her under to install the big bags of liquid plastic in her chest way back when, and this is just a nose job. But I have to say, I get it. Once you’ve had kids your tolerance for risk goes way, way down and you become a giant chicken. It’s natural.

The pre-op appointment behind her, Alexass tromps on over to a nearby coffee shop to meet Gretchen for a pick-me-up. What is this getup? She’s got brown stompy boots, a tank top stretched so tight you can see her areolas, and some flappy flap knit vest. She looks like Miley Cyrus costumed as a maxipad. Gretchen is wearing a stupid looking hat, because she didn’t have time to get the top part of the wig curled, and she’s jealous because she wants a nose job too. Hey, so do I! But Alexass wants to be very clear that she would not be doing this without the exigent medical need. Gretchen calls BS before I can. Anyhoo, let’s talk about the comedy showcase again: Alexass thought it was funny, but Gretchen is worried it’s going to cause issues. Gretch can’t control what the Magic Penis does, because they are totally separate units. Alexass totally agrees, because that’s what Jumbo would think. And Jumbo and Jesus are the two people who are always right! Alexass advises Gretchen that she has to tell Tamra herself. Actually a sound thought from an unexpected source.

Vic’s at work, because Vic’s a working girl, you know, no time for such silliness as nose jobs or coffee. And a real executive always wears professional attire such as a fuchsia little-girl blouse with an ill-fitting black miniskirt. This office seems much smaller than it used to, and very quiet. Where is the huge staff? Are we down to just Danielle, the abused assistant, and useless son Mike, who is acting as receptionist up front? Poor Danielle – last season Vic dragged her into all sorts of inappropriate semi-sexual, underclothed activities; now she’s berating her for having a snuffy nose. “Blow it!” barks Vic. That’s what Donn1 said. Anyway, this segment is here purely to illustrate that (a) Vic’s still a big career gal; and (b) she’s very anxious about her divorce, about having to pay Donn1 a big settlement, and about Brianna’s upcoming cancer biopsy. Oh, THAT. No need to fear, Vic, because your trusty staff of 1.5 is here to keep this whole operation afloat.
Evening falls in the alley where Gretch lives, as the Magic Penis helps her make the bed. Everything in this house is black and white with splashes of fuchsia, just like Barbie’s dream house. And there’s a giant painting of a hot pink floral vulva on the wall behind MPM’s head. Gretch is berobed and has her hair in curlers, just like a real housewife. Her hair is so much work, because there’s so much of it. Vic’s skin is the same way. Anyhoo, did you forget that Gretch is a chanteuse? I did, until the Magical Penis reminded us that Gretch has two songs on iTunes that have done “really well”. Accordingly, she’s been invited to perform in Vegas with the Pussycat Dolls! Next stop, Dancing with the Stars and X Factor! That Magical Penis is quite the agent.