The day of the Bunco party dawns, and these gals need to get gussied up so let’s bring in the staff, shall we? Gretchen’s gay, Victor, comes on over to check out the fingerless lacy gloves and decide what else goes with this ensemble. Just then, who calls but Tamra! She’s heard about the comedy showcase, and she wants to discuss. Gretchen apologizes for her magical penis, who Tamra intends to kick in the balls. She just can’t understand what Gretchen sees in that man. The two ladies seem to be on okay footing, so the Bunco party is on. “Her and I are going to have growing pains,” says Grammar Girl Gretch. I’ll say this for her, her geraniums always look lush and healthy.
Having aired the issue with Gretch, Tamra heads on over to Vic’s brown house in the official Coto uniform of blousy print top, belted, with major cleave. You know things are serious because Vic is whispery again. “Brianna is very sick,” she breathes. Tamra sizes up Vic’s ass and says “you look really skinny”. I don’t know if I’d say really skinny, but she does look peaked. Vic has heard about the Miss Piggy jokes and isn’t having any of this peace sh*t. She feels the magical penis is a showoff and needs to be the center of attention. Don’t all magical penii? “I am at my lowest point ever and he doesn’t care,” she pouts. Nope, he doesn’t.
With the preliminaries over, the ladies get ready. Alexass is getting her wig blown out at a salon when Gretch rolls in. They are both going as Madonna; Gretch is Holiday era, while Alexass is Desperately Seeking Susan. Gretch goes on for a bit about how much she loved Facts of Life and Diff’rent Strokes growing up. How old is Gretchen? She claims to be 32 but I don’t know how she would have any recollection of this programming if this were so. Per Wikipedia, Diff’rent Strokes was on from 1978 to 1985. If Gretch were 32 she would have been born in 1980. Someone’s lyin!
Heather, meanwhile, is getting ready at home. Her entranceway dual staircase looks like it’s for an Olympic sport. Luge, or maybe skeleton. She also has a black-and-white theme going on in the bedroom, with zebra print chairs. I prefer a quiet, calm atmosphere in the boudoir, myself. I do like the roaring fire in the bathroom, though. Heather’s able assistant brings in the costume materials, as well as the duct tape. It’s not for the costume, nor for recreational use, because that would be “déclassé”. Indeed.
Tamra’s driver picks her up and she’s wearing a full-on Flashdance outfit with suntan Hooter tights. And an Olivia Newton-John Physical/Xanadu headband, so awesome. Take that, magic penis man. The last Bunco party devolved into a messy frat party, so Tamra’s having this one in a restaurant and they can clean it up. She’s got gifts for everyone from CJ’s sex shop, which should be interesting. Arriving at the venue, the first guest is Pam, Tamra’s trainer (not to be confused with Pam of BH). I’m assuming Pam will be a partner in Tamra’s new fitness studio; does this mean Tamra has totally parted ways with the lovely and nubile Fernanda? I liked Fernanda! Bummer.
Heather arrives, and the costume elements have come together as a Robert Palmer Girl, complete with pigeon toe. Tamra, for her part, has cameltoe, because she doesn’t have the “big bush” cameltoe preventer so popular in the 80s. Or so she says. “I don’t think you need to worry about it,” says Heather. Love me some Heather.
Vic’s here, and she didn’t even try. She looks like she rolled down the window and stuck her head out. Heather thinks she looks like Peg Bundy. Vic’s excited to be wearing legwarmers again, but doesn’t remember Robert Palmer. Vic is really a stick in the mud. She needs to retire. CJ, the sex shop owner, arrives with Ricky, Tamra’s gay who got her “day drunk” for her 40th a few seasons ago. Pretty much everyone here is a known quantity except the mysterious and silent Filipina. Who is that? I am kind of thinking they needed one more person to make the tables work, brought her in from the restaurant kitchen, and stuck a bow in her hair.
Let’s play Bunco! Bunco really is the easiest, dumbest game ever because you just try to roll numbers in sequence, so naturally Alexass is really into it. She loves games, loves to win, loves kittens and bunnies and Jesus. And she’s calling on The Man to bless her so she kicks some Housewife Bunco ass! Heather is questioning why Alexass is using up her “religious juju on dice”. She questions whether it should be saved for more important purposes. I’d have to agree, but then again I always agree with Heather, don’t I? By the way, has anyone noticed that in Heather’s ITMs there is a massive weather situation happening in the window behind her? A cyclone or something. Tie down all your loose objects, Dubrows!
Alexass wins round 1 because “the Lordie says this is not a bad game”. Alexass is the Brandon Hantz of Housewives; he is now getting divorced, by the way. What’s her prize? It’s nipple nibbler, which she promptly smears all over her fat lips. Tingly! Tamra comments that Alexass has the biggest nipples she’s ever seen – “seven inches!”. She knows this because they stick out so far. We viewers know this because of her Miley Maxipad costume. I’m reminded of my college days when Madonna’s book “Sex” came out and boys got on the waitlist to check it out. The single comment I heard about all this ado was that Madonna has ugly nipples. Virginal Vic does not like all this talk about pink body parts. She better not go over to see the vulva painting in Gretch’s bedroom.
And then it happens: the loaded topic of the Magical Penis Comedy Show comes up, and the tables fix each other with glares. It’s the Alexis Couture trunk show all over again, without the Frenchie food. Ricky expresses pity for Vic, which causes Gretch’s head to practically snap off as she whips around. “Why are you trying to start sh*t?” she shouts. Oh, here we go.
Gretch and Ricky are yelling at each other, and wise Heather intervenes, confirming that Gretch did not participate in any aspects of the show that involved disparaging Miss Piggy. Heather assures Vic that it all fell flat and was very tongue in cheek. It fell flat, that’s for sure. Not so sure about where the tongue ended up. “No man of mine would talk that way about a woman” sniffs Vic. Excuse me, didn’t Donn1 talk that very way to her face a few times? Vic has really become the old lady of this show. We need a RHONY crossover so Ramoana can renew her.
Tamra, who has stayed out of this fracas, thinks that things have settled down enough for her final surprise of 80 strippers to come in. This girl just won’t be stopped from flinging sh*t into the box fan and turning it up to 11. She throws open the door to reveal: Terry, dressed as Dee Snider in zebra tights and a white scarf; Eddie, costumed as Slash without the top hat; and the magical penis, who is just dressed as himself with a mullet. The girls hoot and holler with delight – all except Vic, who is betrayed and hurt. Where is the LOYALTY? Maybe you didn’t hear this, Vic, but Tamra kind of got the worse end of the deal, so if she’s over it maybe you can just roll too. But no, that won’t be happening.
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
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Slade needs to get a life! I’m so embarrassed for Gretchen that she is dating him. He is not even a man. He is just Gretchen’s little bird. She does not even show any passion or love towards him. Do you really think she loves this LOSER? I think she just loves having a “bitch” around to do her dirty work! Gretchen we all know you want a real man, so dump the loser and get yourself a real guy. There are plenty of hot intelligent men in the OC especially in Newport Beach right where you live. Slade is old news.
I’m totally guilty of having you do my dirty work. I can’t stand these ladies anymore – especially Vicky. So I’ve left it to you to watch the RHOC. But you should take it as a compliment. Your recaps are far more enjoyable than the show. Keep up the good work!
I have been watching but oh my, I can’t stand this version of the Real Housewives. Slade is gross.
You are great!
I read your recap first then watch the show. I love Gretchen but she def needs a new man. I bet she would have a lot more fans if she did ditch slimey. I miss the old oc wives like Tammy.
I only started watching so I could read your recaps!
Still trying to figure out who everyone is, most of them look alike! (I like heather the best too!) Love your recaps!
Biding my time with this show, till RHOBH starts up!
Thanks!
Yep, you are watching RHOC for me…sorry. But your recaps are wayyyyyy better than the real deal, which is painful to watch the last few seasons. I live in the OC and feel grateful for my comparatively normal life and normal friends every time I watch/read about these women and their antics. Thanks for your Fabulous humor, Elizabeth!!! I have many, Many LOL moments reading your recaps! Your sacrifice of actually watching the show so you can put your spin on it, is appreciated =)