REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 3/14/12

When we left last week, the wild and crazy guys in their wigs and tights had just started to arrive, and the Head Table was clearly enjoying things a lot more than Table #2. “Feel the noise, baby, feel the noise!” crooned Dr. Terry. Oh, I feel it. “You look like such a douchebag!” shrieked Gretch at the MPM, joining the worldwide chorus. “Don’t pull my weave,” replied MPM.

Can I go off topic here for a moment? I used to live in Chicago, and back there a “weave” was hair extensions added in to one’s ‘do. When I moved out to Arizona and started asking friends where they get their hair done, everyone would tell me about the person who did their “weave”, which was rather perplexing to me as none of these friends appeared to have fake additional hair, nor had I expected so many otherwise ordinary gals to be going to such extremes to enhance their pageboys and bobs. It turns out “weave” is the term for “highlights” out here. Who knew? I went an awful long time thinking everyone I knew was wearing fake hairpieces.

Anyway, back to the action. Vic can’t understand why Slade is there, so Tamra pleads with her that everyone was invited and Donn2 just couldn’t come. Well, not everyone, as Jumbo wasn’t stuffed into zebra tights. Alexass is sure this is a case of Tamra excluding him out of meanness; Jumbo’s refusal to participate in filming of group events where certain others will be present couldn’t possibly be a reason for his absence.

Ricky the gay is on Team Vic and equally horrified by the Magical Penile presence. “Ricky, are you all pissed off about my improv?” Slade taunts like a playground bully. “It’s comedy – if you don’t like it, don’t come! I was hilarious!!” Mmm hmmmm. Vic mutters that the MPM is a piece of shiitake, and like Seacrest she’s out. She is a delicate flower, that Vic.

Gretch comes to her man’s grammatically-challenged defense, sort of, saying “him and I have been in a fight about it.” Yes, him and you has. “He has the right to feel what he wants to, and I am not going to challenge it.” The MPM, for his part, claims he wasn’t actually criticizing anyone himself, just commenting on the news that’s already been said. Hearsay, see! Him’s not saying Vic looks like Miss Piggy, him’s just repeating that someone ELSE said Vic looks like Miss Piggy. That’s so different!

Out in the parking lot, Vic regroups. Or should I say, Vic transforms, like Sybil the Hulk. Her head spins three times, her butt bursts the seams of her pink-piped athletic shorts, the horns sprout from her Peg Bundy ‘do, and she stomps back in. “My mom and dad think I am beautiful!” she informs the MPM. Oh, that’ll help. The MPM is a deadbeat dad, and that’s different, she announces. It’s different, yes, but not in a way that matters here, lady.

“You are smoking crack!” shouts Gretch, leaping to her feet, leaning in, and getting reeeeal close with that finger. When I get mad, when I get hot, my magic finger…. and then it happens: What about Donn2 getting arrested? Oh, pickles. I think Gretch’s magic finger just pushed the button.

“YOU ARE NOT A MOTHER!” screams Vic, and I am seriously worried her eyeballs are going to pop right out of her rabbit face. “MY BOYFRIEND IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!” That’s gonna help too. “Slade isn’t either!” retorts Gretch. “HE DOESN’T WORRRRRRRRK!” howls Vic. “You don’t know anything!” shrieks Gretch. That magical penis works hard for his allowance! Welcome to Donkey Kong, readers.

More of this ensues, Vic decides she’s out again (should have stuck with it the first time, girl) and stalks off in a dramatic huff. Gretch collapses in tears, so defeated by all these people ganging up on her. “She has no idea,” soothes the Magical Penis. No, none of us really have any idea and we’ve all been trying to make sense of your version of events. It’s a mystery.