REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 3/14/12

What follows is basically three separate breakout b*tchery sessions. Vic and Tamra huddle outside on the bench. Vic is not pleased with Tamra for inviting the Magic Penis in the first place. Tamra invited all the guys, she says, and assures Vic that she is a beautiful person and no one is perfect. The Magical Penis was wrong to degrade a woman. But Tamra is outside of it, see! She encourages Vic to take a page from her book, forget (if not forgive), and move on. Vic pulls up her girdle and declares Gretchen to be disrespectful and inexcusable. Always right and never wrong, that Vic.

Gretch, for her part, is having a meltdown. “It’s always about them – they want everyone upset about their stuff and care about no one else.” Yes, that’s what happens when you are dealing with a narcissist. “You need to be nice to me – I am bleeding out my ass! You need to be nice to me – my love tank is not full! Everyone else is fair game.” Exactly.

Heather is commisserating with the Inside Ladies, but secretly she’s horrified and perturbed. “Who acts like this? This is a school night. I’m out with this?” Welcome to my Tuesday night, Heather.

Vic departs and Tamra comes inside to try to settle this sh*tshow down. “I can take your humor,” she tells the MPM, “but Vicki can’t – she’s close to a nervous breakdown.” Tamra and Gretch hug it out. Yes, poor, poor Vic. And no one cares about Alexass!

Speaking of Alexass, Tamra gets some carbs onboard and after a discussion of the relative douchebaggery, asks Dr. Terry about getting implants removed. The Tamrassets are leaving us? What’s the recovery time? Does a lift complicate things? (Easy peasy, says our good doctor.) “Some people like to look like they’ve had plastic surgery,” says Heather. “It’s not a good look.” Oh, speaking of…. “Lex” is having surgery next week. “Is she making her boobs bigger?” asks Tamra. Nope, it’s SINUS surgery. “AKA a nose job?” asks Tamra. The good doctor pipes in: “You know, your sinuses are over here, nothing to do do with your nose.” Tamra and Dr. Terry high five, everyone laughs uproariously, and Alexass has had it. “I can hear you over here, you know! Worry about your own patients!” Ooops.

Heather tries to make peace again. That girl should be up for the Nobel Prize trying to pacify this pack of loonies at every turn. She explains to Alexass that Terry had no idea who they were talking about, because Gretchen called her “Lex”, like Lex Luthor. Alexass isn’t having any part of it. “I have a CAT scan! I can show you proof, or I can hock up a lougie right now, or I can just tell you about the gross string I pull out of my mouth in the morning!” The Dubrows are totally grossed out, and so am I.

But Assy’s not done! “I’ve had my lips injected, I get Botox, but I don’t do any surgeries to this beautiful face. I have had my boobies done and that’s all, I swear to the Lordie!” Oh, Jesus El Hombre, we all know and none of us care! Especially not Heather, who is married to a plastic surgeon, for pete’s sake, so her lifestyle benefits from Alexass’ enthusiasm for doing what she wants when she wants. But no, everyone is saying Alexass’ sinus problems are an excuse for her to finally get the nose job she’s always wanted (didn’t she make that very statement to Gretch last week?) and she’s tired of it. “I kinda think your nose is kinda big,” pipes up Tamra. That helps, thanks.

And on and on it goes. Alexass is all defensive, while Heather continues to try to reason with her (because, see, she doesn’t know Assy all that well and thinks reason works). The Dubrows thought they were participating in a general discussion of breathing difficulties and nose jobs, such as, Jennifer Aniston had a deviated septum operated on and look! new nose! Where did that come from? Alexass says it shouldn’t matter whether it’s her, Alexass, or “Heidi Fricking Whoever”. Mmm, okay? Keeping it nice, Heather agrees. Alexass then starts to argue with Heather for agreeing. Oh, Lordie. “No one was making fun of you,” beseeches Heather. “You look irritated.” “No, YOU!” whines Alexass, like a preschooler. “I am very intelligent and I can HEAR!” As Tamra says, you can’t argue with stupid, but you can die trying. So please make it stop.