REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 3/14/12

Gretchen is totally tired of this whole charade and tells Alexass in no uncertain terms to get over it. Alexass is now mad at Gretch and is going to establish all sorts of rules: Gretchen is not to let Tamra be mean to her behind her back. AND: If Gretchen is there when Tamra is being mean in front of Alexass, she is not to wait for Lex to defend her damn self, she is to intervene! Lillian may not go outside! Lillian may not use the phone! “No one knows the nasal troubles I’ve seen,” moans Lex. Please don’t tell us about the string again, Assy.

Let’s let Heather wrap this up. “What a party! Alexass’ sinus cavity is off limits! Can you get a brain lift!” How we wish. Alexass’ failure to comprehend is a “recurring theme”, says Heather. “Maybe you need to give your friends an IQ test,” says Dr. Terry. “I’ll just try not to use the big words,” agrees Heather. Anchorwoman Assy is going to love this.

Moving on… Brianna is getting ready for her thyroid surgery, and her late lamented stepfather Donn1 is coming to visit. Brianna’s pug Lola leaps into Donn’s arms – is this the same family pet, or a new pug? I thought Donn’s pug was a male (named Winston or something like that) and I assumed he would keep him in the divorce. We have two demented pugs so this is a point of distraction for me.

So how is Donn doing with the divorce stuff? He’s pretty good, actually – keeping busy, the bachelor life at Freedom Acres is “okay”. He has finally moved out and is ready to move forward. Let it ring, Donn! Brianna is having her last beer in advance of a “gnarly surgery” to remove her thyroid and some lymph nodes, and get it sorted out once and for all whether she has thyroid cancer and lymphoma, or not. She appreciates Donn’s support because he doesn’t freak out like Vic. In other words, he acts like a parent.

So tomorrow’s a big day for surgeries (Brianna’s 5 to 6 hour procedure, Alexass’ nose job), but before we get to that let’s throw in a few vignettes to move the plotline along:

* Gretchen’s throat hurts from screaming, but she still has enough voice to read Vic’s texts to her Magical Penile Chauffeur as they cruise the freeways again: (1) “I won’t tolerate dishing it to me about someone I am dating.” (2) “I don’t condone men not paying child support.” Gretch sizes Vic up as a hypocrite, and I have to agree. Like all narcissists, Vic piles on without regard for others, but then expects everyone to have compassion for her when she feels she’s having a hard time. Our patience is running thin, Vic.

* Meanwhile, at the Jumbolinos, Jumbo and Lil’ Jummie are assembling a toy crib while Alexass gets a piece in the kiddie puzzle she’s working with McGyver and McNugget. The doorbell rings and guess what? Alexass’ entire Alexass Couture line has arrived in a very small, teeny-tiny, no-hangers-at-all package! First she models the “Bonita”, which is your average strapless maxi available at your local Target. Jumbo sized it up as “bunchy in the middle”. Then she pops into a nameless white crotchless romper looking thing which he finds sexy. Looks like Alexass Couture has found a customer at last. Jumbo loves Alexass’ new business because she can operate it from the basement, organizing the orders and getting the shipments ready. Since she has all of two garments to mail upstairs to Jumbo it doesn’t take too long, either.

* Tamra stops in with coffee at Vic’s pretend office, which is now down to an entrance hall and a conference room. She used to have a whole section of cubicles, remember that? Vic is still emotionally overwrought, and she feels there is a distinct difference between Donn2 and MPM’s child support debts, because Donn2 got “caught up” (indeedy heeby) whereas Gretchen condones the MPM not working and continuing to not pay. Well, he’s not working for salary and benefits, that’s for sure. Tamra wants to support and understand Vic, but she thinks Gretch has a point. Vic, for her part, is going to “handle” Gretchen, and make sure Gretchen apologizes. This ought to go well.

Surgery time! Alexass rolls in wearing her favorite wig and a short-sleeved velour sweatsuit, which is a look I just don’t understand. She’s had an hour of sleep and looks it. Jumbo, clad in a hideous Ed Hardy top, obviously wants to extricate from this situation and go back to bed, but Assy is clutching him like a preschooler facing vaccinations. “Don’t gooooooooo! Pray over me, Boo Boo!” Jumbo prays. Assy is calm for a moment, then when Jumbo steps away collapses in another heap. She’s worried about “waking up”. During surgery? After surgery, when she has to go home to Jumbo? It’s just a NOSE JOB!

Across the County, Brianna is stoically facing transit to the hospital escorted by her wound-up mother, who wants her to pack more panties. Once in the car, Vic helpfully confides that she feels like she’s “driving into heaven”. Please stop! If Brianna’s going to heaven I know she doesn’t want to take Vic with her! Vic’s all wound up – she can’t get through this – she hates this. Yes, it is hard on Vic to watch someone else go through a major surgical procedures and a possible life-threatening illness. As Brianna says, nothing is ever about anyone else – it’s always about Vicki. Vicki Vicki Vicki. Brianna tells her she appreciates her worrying but it will do no good. “What do you know?” says Vic. “YOU ARE NOT A MOTHER! Why are you doing this with Western medicine? You need to go holistic. I am going to throw up.” Brianna holds her hair.

Next time: the Tamrassets are coming out, Assy’s going to be sore, and Brianna’s doctor couldn’t believe what he saw in there. Was it the smoke monster? We’ll find out – until then, Happy Pi Day to one and all!

Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
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