REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 4/18/12

It’s mid-day at Tamra’s crappy rental residence although the table’s already set for dinner, and Vic, who managed to unearth five stolen minutes in her terribly busy executive-living schedule, is stopping by to check out the newly-downsized tatas. Vic’s highly skeptical of Tamra’s decision to lose the girls, which should be of no surprise because if there’s one thing we’ve learned about our Vic in seven seasons it’s that she thinks downsizing is for losers. After a few cracks about needing better light and a microscope, we and Vic get our first look at the new accessories and hey, they look great! Funny how what God gives you is often what you are meant to have. Right, Jesus Vicki?

Tamra tells Vic that she had her giant areolae tweaked, too. “AHA!” crows Vic. “Now you’ll have no nipple sensation! Done! I win! Woo hoo!” Who the hell are you, Sid the Science Kid? Besides, Tamra’s had FOUR children. Nipples just aren’t the same erogenous zone four kids later and that’s the truth, so if the choice is between ugly nips the size of saucers that have feeling, or presentable ones that don’t, well, Tamra’s entitled to make up her own mind about what she wants and Vic should keep her nipple-loving opinions to herself.

The girls talk about the Bubbly, Broads, and Bowling outing and the wheels coming off Sarah. Blah blah blah. Vic shares something her new buddy Alexass told her over the phone which causes Tamra’s brain to hit the brakes. But they are friends! Really! Vic thnks Assy is sweet and has no issues with her, and if Tamra can be friends with Gretch…well, we know how tit-for-tat Vic can be, so are we surprised? Vic agrees that you can’t fix stupid, but it’s harmless and she can put up with it, says the Queen of Patience and Understanding. Can’t wait to see how this ends up. Anyway, time for Vic to go back to where she came from, but not without one last crack at Tamra for having no boobs and no butt. If I had to make a choice between Exhibit T and Exhibit V…well, I think we know how that would end up and you’d do the same.

Closer to the coast, Assy and her makeup artist/assistant/chauffeuse/ladysitter/”friend” Shannon are sipping wine from glasses the size of our fish Darwin’s tank and putting marshmallows in ziplocs. Why? They are assembling ‘marshmallow kits’ because Assy is organizing an outing for all the girls to go Glamping in Santa Barbara! Glamping = glamorous + camping, for those of you without a subscription to Sunset magazine. Assy is getting in the spirit in a shearling vest and feather earrings over her maxidress. She looks so natural! But you know, she’s a Missouri girl, and thus used to camping and animals. Is that what Missouri is all about? When I think Missouri I think: arch, suffocating humidity, Mormon holy land, Branson, Mark McGwire, steroids, tornadoes. I guess there’s more to it after all!

Anyway, even if it’s glamorous Dr. Nicolle really doesn’t want Assy going camping without a minder, but she’s cooped up so that’s why Shannon is coming with to bend over and carry all the wigs. Who else is coming? Well, Tamra’s busy minding the boobettes so she’s out. Gretch wants to come but is having voice issues getting ready for her Pussy debut. So it’s Vic, Fancypants Heather, and Briana, just in case they need someone practical with wilderness experience. Assy is so excited and can’t wait to show everyone how down to earth she is under the spackle and wigs.

Over in Gretch’s alley, the Magical Penis is frying up three grilled cheese sammies while Gretch packs and coughs, packs and coughs. He wants her to text him her beverage order from upstairs and save her voice for the “PCDs”. Gretch wants to go on the glamping trip so she can patch things up with Assy, but the Magical Penis puts his kickstand down and says he thinks it’s a bad idea. OK, says Gretch. The end.

Time for the glampers to hit the road! They gather at Vic’s which Shannon the assistant declares to be “so cute!” And brown! Assy is feeling pressure in her nostril. Did you put another gummy worm up there? Girl, I told you not to do that! Everyone’s brought rolling suitcases except Heather, who comes with a sporty looking duffel and a large cardboard box. Also a hair dryer, which is good because this place has electricity but no en-suite small appliances. Briana, the brains of the bunch, is wearing a flannel shirt. Because, you know, they are going OUTSIDE.