REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 4/18/12

Vic, Briana, and Heather assemble in Vic’s ride. Heather is ready for this excursion because the Dubrows go glamping on the fairway at their country club, and the club even puts fish in the water hazard so the kidlets can catch ‘em like real sport fisherpeople. Assy hops in the Escalade driven by Shannon, shuts her brain off (you can tell by the blinking red “standby” light between her eyeballs), stops “working”, and the two have a dance break. After which Assy reclines and applies ice. Shannon reminds me a bit of the assistant Jeff Lewis fired. Looks the same, and equally useful.

Meanwhile, back at Tamra’s, Eddie has arrived with a very large and heavy arrangement of flowers which presents a problem as she’s not supposed to lift anything and he’s in a cast up to his elbow after snapping his finger in two during the mud run. I suffered the same injury in 7th grade gym class, dodgeball. “Look at these!” cries Tamra, popping out her icepacks – and yes, those are her very same used implants! She asked if she could keep them and they said okay, take the biohazard medical waste home, fine with us! Eddie thinks Tamra looks good – normal! “Are you saying I looked abnormal?” she asks. “A little hookerish – stripperlike,” he offers. But our Tammy Sue had nothing on Assy, because the Bellino Balloons are twice as big as the Tamrassets! Ha! These two are going to enjoy a nice restful and recuperative weekend at home. Tamra would rather have major surgery than be in the woods with Assy. Clever scheduling can be a girl’s best friend.

Speaking of, we’ve arrived at El Capitan Canyon Resort and Heather needs a cocktail! Good lord, girl, you were in the Mercedes of Reason, how bad could the ride have been? First thing they need to do, after checking in, is order their “barbecue kits” (salmon, chicken, or beef) from the El Capitan Market, pick up their bundle of wood and firestarters, and get some wine. Heather, not surprisingly, has a strong opinion about what she wants for dinner, which irritates Assy who wanted to be the boss today. These two are like fractious second graders.

The group arrives at their assigned overnight locations and I am terribly disappointed. I have seen some awesome glamping setups in incredibly cool (AND exceptionally luxurious looking) tents in my Sunset magazine and on Pinterest, and you would think Bravo could have come up with some of that. But no, these are basically little cabins not at all unlike the club my family vacations at each summer which can be quite simply described as Dirty Dancing without the talent show. Does this mean I have been glamping and didn’t know it? Unnerving. My place is fully stocked with “wine corks” and endless supplies of ice, so I guess it’s ultraglam-glamping, by comparison, and I’ll just have to accept it. To think I thought I was all woodsy and sh*t. Anyway, Vic thinks this place is “cute”, just like her brown house. You know what else is cute? Skunks. I just love ‘em.

Assy (otherwise known as the staff of El Capitan via the Bravo producers) have left everyone some very carefully chosen gifts: El Capitan sweatshirts (you know she silkscreened them herself!), Smores Kits for “family of two” (uh, that packaging doesn’t look like Assy’s ziplocs) and a note that reads: “With our crazy lives our time is dire/so let’s grab a glass of wine and have smores by the fire.!/xoxo, Alexis.” Oh, let’s do just that!

The ladies gather ‘round the fire pit in their various variations on camping attire. Assy is wearing a pure white designer sweatsuit and Uggs. I am reminded of a certain arsonist who shall remain nameless but almost burned down a certain coastal home some years ago, yet whose white sweatsuit remained pristine while certain others unwittingly drafted to battle the blaze came out soot-blackened and burnt…. memories. Anyway, back to TV. Assy is giving us her best Lucille Ball because she’s just so silly, that assy girl! This isn’t glamping – it’s full on Missouri-style camping! No ice for one’s post-surgical nasal region! No counterspace! Bugs! And not even real wine because this moonshine has a screwtop!

Speaking of wine, here comes Heather, finally – she was delayed looking for a RED wine glass, but all they had was white. Which is reasonable because one should expect glamping to come with all the “accoutrements”. I use that word whenever possible, too. Now it’s time to explore this episode’s primary theme: can Assy and Heather possibly learn to be friends? Assy, who can’t carry stuff, you know, wants Heather to bring her a table. Heather’s not a Sherpa! Get your handmaid to do it! Heather doesn’t understand why the Jumbellinos are renting; there’s an “algorithm” to it, you know. Oh, Assy knows, and so does Jumbo: he really knows the market, which is why they are paying as much to rent as they would on a mortgage. “Right,” leads Heather. “Right!” says Assy. They’ve turned it over to God, of course, and are now just “so content”. Mmm hmmm.