Time for presents! Assy has knit everyone an infinity scarf! See, it’s a big loop and you wrap it around yourself twice. Everyone’s gift is just perfect for them: Briana’s looks like it was made out of that variegated yarn kids love for crafts at daycare. Heather’s is black, like her soul. Assy’s is white with big spangles on it, because she’s a virgin in showbiz! And Vic’s brays like a donkey when she puts it on. Who would have expected that? Vic finds she really likes Assy without Tamra there. I can see how reducing the noise level would make the whole experience more pleasant.
After an extended chance for everyone to check in on their smartphones, a nice young man arrives with their barbecue kits and it’s time for vittles. Heather, forward thinking as she is, gets full instructions from the servant as to how to start their fire. Vic, bossy booby that she is, immediately starts arguing with Heather that they need to set the plastic on fire. Yeah, that’s the ticket! Assy tries to order pizza but is shut down. They are killing and cooking their own meal, dammit! It’s just like Survivor!
With the grill grates firmly settled into the heart of the blazing bonfire and their barbecue kits set aflame, all of a sudden there’s a huge CRUNCH. Vic’s eyes pop out of her head. Briana, God love her, runs to it. She’s got a first responder’s instinct, that girl. Is it a bear? Come to bite Vic in the ham? If only we could be so lucky. No, it’s a skunk, planted there by Mr. Andy himself! I just love skunks! Vic clearly does not, and takes her usual approach to all situations by shrieking and stomping in an attempt to agitate and harass the skunk right out of the forest and back to its handler. Brilliant animal husbandry right there.
Our When Animals Attack moment behind us and the charred remains of dinner peeled off the grate, it’s time to talk about Life, and what Vic has learned about it from Briana’s near death experience. Because it’s all about how Briana’s brush with cancer has affected Vic, of course. Vic has learned: that life is short, and you have to make the most of each day. Wow, a sentiment straight out of a Hallmark card, of all things! In a remarkable, fleeting moment of self-awareness, Vic acknowledges that she owes Gretchen an apology; that she is sensitive about men who shirk on their child support because her kids’ dad never paid his, but it wasn’t fair for her to let loose on Gretchen over it. She’s going to make amends and will take responsibility for, say, 50% of the problem! Wow, thinks Heather. She’s negotiating her apology! Crafty businesswoman, Vic. After trying and failing the find the garbage pen, the ladies drop their crap behind a fallen log and hit the sack. I’m pooped too!
Morning dawns and as a doe gambols on the lawn, our Heather makes a wake-up call to Dr. Terry, Hermes scarf artfully tied around her head like a gypsy. Remarkably, Assy visits Vic & Bri’s cabin in the same head getup, but hers is a Louis Vuitton bandana and she’s got the braids going, too. What are we, pirates? Vic’s on her laptop, natch, while Briana annoys her by crumpling a plastic bottle. Not very earth friendly my dear! Vic can’t understand why she had to learn about Briana’s relationship with one “Ryan” (proud Afghanistan veteran Ryan, not lazy bloated roid-boobs Ryan, son of Tamra) from Facebook. Briana, it seems, is “in a relationship”! Why didn’t she tell Vic about her romantic good fortune? She wants to be vague on purpose, she says. And in just a few short weeks, maybe even days, Briana and Ryan will elope. Yep, that’s pretty vague!
The ladies pack up their shacks and head to the market for breakfast, because they aren’t cooking THAT. Assy is going to have eggs Benedict. Vic orders huevos rancheros with scrambled eggs. Heather is going to have a turkey sandwich on lettuce with tomato and mustard. The clerk asks if she wants to hold the bread. Heather tells her to hold it between her knees.
After a near-death experience with a bee (Heather and Briana are both allergic), the ladies get to chatting about diamonds. Vic hates not wearing her wedding band. Heather thinks Vic should buy herself a ring for her upcoming 50th birthday. Yeah, right, thinks Vic. Assy refuses to live outside of a gated community because the one time they did they were robbed immediately and Jumbo lost a $80K one-of-a-few watch and his seven-carat diamond wedding ring. Heather is horrified, and so am I. What kind of guy gets a seven-carat diamond wedding ring? Ghastly! With the price of diamonds what they are, you really need to consult Coto Insurance for all your insurance needs, so if a theft happens, you’re protected. Assy, in fact, wears a fake ring most of the time and no one knows it! Oh, I kind of knew it, honey. Heather did too.
Somehow Heather gets stuck driving back with Assy and her handyperson in the Escalade and now the talk turns to cars. Dr. Terry drives a Prius so they can balance their carbon footprint. Do they buy credits, too? Assy will see Heather’s Prius and raise it a convertible Bentley, a Phantom, an Escalade, and is about to bid down on an SL55 having sold the Beemer! Ha! Take that, balanced carbon footprint! Assy begged Jumbo for the Prius to “help the economy”. The fuel economy, or the macroeconomic economy? I can’t decide if our Assy should be nominated for the Peace or Economic Nobel. Maybe both. Heather is going to write the nomination.
Back in the real world, Gretch is galumphing along in some dumb shoes and a straw fedora from the Asslee Simpson Collection to meet a vocal producer named “Mischke” (as in Badgley, sort of) to teach her how to sing her Pussy song live. Her voice hurts and is missing character, as well as the ability to sense tone. What will come of this if she still can’t sing tomorrow? As she and the Magical Penis drive in circles around a seedy parking lot, Gretch begins to weep. It’s all Slade’s fault! Her dream to be a Pussy may end before the world gets a chance to appreciate her God-given talent! Oh me oh my, oh me oh my!
Next week: Gretch is struggling with the PCD’s, and after that I don’t know what happens because my Tivo cut it off. Chow chow brown cow!
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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As a Mormon and a fan of your recaps, your description of Missouri made me laugh. Hard.
Thank you for a another wonderful recap!
so funny how you call her assy