A tinkly little doorbell rings out a tranquil melody – is an angel getting its wings? No, it’s just Gretchen, come to visit Assy at home. Alexass hustles to admit her guest dressed in suck-em-up jeans and a biscuit-colored cowl-necked halter top. She’s been cleaning, it seems. “Her boobs are hanging out,” says my husband. Well, Jumbo tips more when she makes a show out of it. Gretch and Assy are having a hard time in their relationship. They just aren’t connecting, and today’s visit is more of the same – first Assy compliments Gretch’s bag and it turns out it is not a Gretchen Christine Beaute Couture creation, which is a little awkward. Then the gals sit down at Assy’s machine to watch her Fox5 segment about the sexualization of kids, and the wheels come off.
First Gretch lets slip that Fox5 originally called her to be their newest Hocaster. Then she repeats it, like three more times, just in case Assy didn’t hear her with all that stuff in her sinuses. Then she observes that Assy’s ruffly satin suspenders might not have been appropriate attire for the subject matter. And THEN, after laughing at all Assy’s misspeaks, she suggests she might benefit from the assistance of a “hosting coach”. Assy sees this for what it is: Tammy Sue’s fault. The “old Gretchen” would have been more supportive, like a nice Playtex 18-Hour Cross-Your-Heart Bra. But now she’s friends with Tamra and gallivanting around the OC without a motion control device. Yeah, I see what you are doing here, Gretch.
Down the coast, Heather is getting ready to head up to LA for an audition. Heather, we are reminded, is a THESPIAN, having appeared inside the magic box on such television classics as “That’s Life” and “Jenny”, featuring Jenny McCarthy before she hooked up with Jim Carrey. Despite the fact that Heather’s baby Colette has a “little fever”, she’s gearing up and heading out. Heather’s assistant is thinking about moving to LA and asks Heather if she has any regrets about relocating to Green Acres to be closer to Dr. Terry’s medical practice. Heather don’t care because all anyone in LA talks about, anyway, is directions. Heather is a bit conflicted about acting again – what will the kids do without her? Decisions, decisions.
Over at Gretch’s house with the armpit dogs, Gretch is pairing and folding lots of socks. Countless, endless numbers of socks. The Magical Penis feels he deserves credit for having done the laundry (which really would be a challenge for a penis), but Gretch points out that folding is so much harder than washing and I completely agree with her. A few years ago my husband decided to help me with the laundry responsibilities by throwing out all his socks and getting 20 new pairs exactly the same. No more problems matching! Thanks so much, hon! Tamra tells us that without a ring, she won’t fold a thing, which is something she picked up from The Rules, Part Deux.
Gretch is rallying the b*tches to go to Vegas to see her Pussy debut onstage. Assy is going to be late because she needs to get a sitter, cause you know they don’t have any nannies anymore. Is Vegas so close to LA that you can go just for the evening, like date night? Going anywhere overnight is a big production for me, let me tell you. Tamra is in – seems that old SOB Simon must have the kidlets that weekend. And now Gretch is going to invite Vic, even though they still haven’t resolved anything after Bunco. I thought things looked pretty settled down at the Bubbly n’ Boobies bowling outing, but I guess that was just a time out. Or out of sequence.
Back at the Chateau Dubrow, Dr. Terry is hustling lil’ Nicky out of his allowance at the pool table when Heather descends the staircase wearing a shiny sleeveless naughty Catholic schoolgirl tunic. Saucy! Her show audition went well, but the real issue is that the show shoots in – wait for it – CANADA. Yes, that cold, desolate Socialist hoser abyss north of North Dakota. Dr. Terry can’t understand why Heather, who doesn’t drink beer or play hockey, would want to go to Canada for any reason. “Isn’t this amazing life enough?” Heather has to admit that it is, and that she feels important holding the Family Dubrow together and doesn’t want to miss anything while she’s farting around in Canada working 15-hour days like Assy’s old bra.
i just realized that heathers husband dr. terry debrow was the plastic surgeon on the reality show bridalplasty on the e network.i knew i had seen him before.