So where were we? Oh, right, we’ve wrapped up Assy’s plea to Jesus for divine musical intervention and Gretch is about to take the stripper stage. Gretch confides to the camera that she is sure the other Housewives want to see her fail (so why did she invite them?), followed immediately by Heather telling us how excited she is for Gretch’s big moment. And hey guess what? Scary Shotgun Sarah stuck out her thumb and hitchhiked her way into this episode, too! She’s one determined hussy. It’s Gretch’s birthday but she’s gotta work – she has to sing AND introduce the Pussies, which is even harder than just holding the pole. I don’t know how she’s going to get through this.
After summoning her “inner pussy”, which is a direct quote, Gretch gets through the introductory act and is hustled offstage to put on her Captain & Tennille costume for the big act. “Amazing! So natural!” applauds Robin Antin, before advising Gretch to just speak the words and not try to actually emote when it comes time for her song. As Gretch gets Captained up, the Housewives and their menfolk take in the show, and what a show it is. Tamra tells us she’s now fully trained in gynecology. Vic claims this is all a big new thing for Donn2, because he’s never seen anything like this in the South. I hate to break it to Vic but they have strip clubs in the Bible Belt, too, and something tells me Donn2’s visited one. What does she think he’s been doing, playing croquet and needlepointing? On the same lines, Assy informs us that Jumbo is just NOT enjoying this at all – he’s only there being a supportive husband. Yeah, his wife dresses like a hooker but he can’t stand to witness a booby parade. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, ladies.
Anyway, it’s finally time to get this performance over with and it’s every bit as bad as we all thought it was going to be. Worse, in fact, if that’s possible. Not only is Gretch off tune but she’s not even following the tempo particularly well. It’s better than the one time I tried to perform karaoke (drunk off my ham on blue margaritas in Green Lake, WI – we sang ‘Like a Virgin’, and it will never happen again I promise), but not by much. Tamra gives Gretch kudos for even doing it and says she looked good, which was really the point anyway. Assy is genuinely kind about Gretch’s performance. The rest – well….let’s not talk about it anymore.
The show over, everyone heads to Gretch’s big superstar penthouse for an afterparty, which is where we see that Shotgun Sarah came dressed in an ice skater costume with her Alanis Morrissette hair. She reminds me of someone and I am having a hard time placing it but I keep vibing Celebrity Rehab castpeople. Sarah sidles up to Vic on the balcony, again, and apologizes for being an ass at the bowling party. Vic accepts her apology with the formality of the queen mother, then turns her back. If we don’t give her time she won’t get on the air, or so she thinks.
Gretch finally rolls in still wearing her majorette costume, which makes me uncomfortable. Her parents are there! Eeeek! Heather is very nice to Gretch about her performance, which Gretch seems to know was dismal. Tamra gives Gretch a birthday present – a terribly unflattering photo of the two of them from the mud run, displayed in a horrid black-and-orange distressed frame emblazoned with crosses. Amen. Vic, who is wearing a black bra with a skirt attached, also has a present for Gretch – actually, two! A cheap floozy white tip with the official Coto boobcircle medallion, and a message: Vic loves Gretch – she is proud of Gretch – AND she is SORRY. Silence descends. Could we possibly have heard right? An apology? Oh yes, my friends, and Gretch can say sorry back when she is ready. An apology with an invitation to apologize in return, so they cancel each other out. Back to square one.
The Magical Penis proposes a toast to Gretch, who laughs that she thought he was going to actually PROPOSE and Gretch’s parents, who are there to bear witness to this mortifying debacle, both turn green and appear to throw up in their mouths a little. Just you wait, senior Rossis. It’s coming.
You crack me up! I’m not lays able to catch the show, or only parts if it, and your recap is sooooo great! The only part I could see yesterday was Alexis train wreck coaching session and Poetry with Donn2! Thanks for all you do!
OMG I love you! Thanks for your columns you say exactly what I’m thinking.
I never post on forums but I created a user I’d to post here bc you’re fantastic!
PS- knowing Jeff Lewis was a phi delt at USC?? PRICELESS!!! (Tri delta from ucla here….definitely understanding why that is hilarious!!)
Keep up the writing, you’re probably my favorite part of Steve’s site by now….