REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 5/2/12

The next morning, Vic and Tammy Sue and their mens convene in the casino for a little blackjack. The Dubrows join them for a moment before racing off to catch their flight. Vic is patting herself on the back for having manned up and apologized to Gretch, such as it were, and points out that she is the oldest Housewife, therefore the most mature by default. Yeah, right, says Heather. Tamra’s wearing a keyhole top which affords us a first peek at the newly-downsized haboobs, and they are looking a bit weary as well they should after all they’ve been through.

Upstairs in the penthouse, the star has risen all wigged up and spackled within an inch of her life with Gretchen Christine Beaute products. The Magical Penis has decided that the showgirl life is the life for Gretch, and shares his personal philosophy that if you follow your passion you won’t work a day in your life. The Magical Penis himself has been avoiding work and doing only what he loves (riding bikes, being Gretch’s Sherpa, chasing Housewife skirts, and ferrying corgis in his armpits) his whole life long! He wants this for Gretch, too – a life free of silly details like child support payments, and rich in spirit. Gretch shares that the Magical Penis gives her faith in herself, and that makes her the luckiest girl in the world. Oh, and her boobies look nice.

Back to Coto, where Vic is taking Donn2 on a tour of her former retirement home – the one she ill-advisedly purchased from Jeana Keough which really seems to have been when the wheels of her former, familiar life started to come off. She’s lost a whole million dollars on this detour and even stooped to rent to the Magical Penis in the process. Vic is a little weepy walking through these empty rooms full of custom details and fine Corinthian leather, and I don’t know why unless it’s making her pine for her former BFF. What else could she really associate with the place? Jeana’s big fat gay squatter? It’s not like she lived there all the happy years of her life. Donn2 is ready to console and drop nuggets of Hallmark wisdom, such as: you have to learn from the past. (Don’t let squatters on the property.) Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. (So 90% of this investment loss is your own damn fault.) Enough sniveling, time for Vic to make the donuts and we’re outta here.

So it seems Jumbo and Assy prayed about whether she should hire a hosting coach. God told Jumbo she should not, but he also told Assy she should which is quite a case of mixed messaging. And thus Assy snuck out while he was headfirst in a bag of Doritos and here she is to meet with a professional, herself dolled up in a red tube of Assy Couture with one strap falling off. All business. The coach asks what brings Assy here, and Assy responds with some nonsense about “Katie Caric – desires – bowed down to – I just want to see where it will take me.” Aha! The coach sees the problem(s). “Live television is like a bus – you are a great passenger, but you need to be able to drive,” intones the Wise One. “You are easy on the eyes,” she observes, and Assy glows like a preening kitten, “but the audience needs to notice the person, not the hair and makeup and outfit.” Uh oh. I have just noticed that Assy is about three times the size of this little lady coach.

The two gals watch Assy’s Fox5 segment about kids and sex and there is so much wrong with it the coach just decides to start with the obvious wardrobe issues. From there they segue into a short simulation of a breaking news situation involving a “horrible, atrocious fire” and a missing cat. The coach tells Assy not to say “hi”, so she proceeds to say “hi” every three seconds like a four-year-old. Assy feels she has gotten so much from this one training session which is a good thing because she may not be able to escape the clutches of Jumbo for another one. “You are like a garden that hasn’t been watered,” shares the coach. “Dry,” agrees Assy. Her attention tank needs filling, in other words.

Business over, it’s time for some pleasure. The Dubrows are dining with the Magical Penis and Gretch. It would seem that one of these things is not like the other, but the Dubrows, who are BuJews, actually share the Magical Penis’ don’t-worry-be-happy philosophy. So what’s next for Gretch? Why, Broadway, of course! Or the prime ministership of Japan, either way. Gretch feels that the support she received was real and that all fences are mended because everyone brought her presents except Assy, so she’s “out” and everyone else who brought presents is now “in”. Heather is still trying to figure Assy out, but Dr. Terry has her all sized up in a single word: phony. Oh, hey, yeah! agree Heather and Gretch. “She can be phony,” confirms Gretch, loyal friend that she is. Phony and a crappy newscaster. “She may be phony, but I’m everyone’s favorite douchebag!” shouts MPM, determined to reclaim negative attention. “No, I am!” yells Dr. Terry. No, you’re definitely not, sir. Heather calls it a tie, but she’s just trying to get her drunk Mr. Man out of there.

Time for some attachment parenting, so let’s hook up with Tammy Sue who is hauling several Target shopping bags and a vacuum cleaner up the stairs to Ryan’s new apartment. This is his first real apartment, we’re told, and that’s obvious because he not only has no furniture, he has no lamps. I know that approach to decorating; before we got married my husband had one small pot, two forks, a mattress on the floor, and no lamps. When all the lightbulbs in the existing fixtures would burn out, he’d move. Even without furniture Ryan is doing much better now that Evil Simon is out of his life; he’s working with Eddie on something, losing his hair, and gaining weight. Tamra feels he needs a couch. I feel he needs sleeves. Although Tammy wants to loan him cash, Eddie tells her to let Ryan take care of himself and be a grown up. Ryan buys a brown sectional.

Let’s continue this theme from another perspective, shall we, and meet up with Vic, Briana, Briana’s boyfriend Ryan (who is a whole different person from Tammy’s Ryan, thank you), and one highly enthusiastic server at a dining establishment called Beachfire. Vic’s in that hairy looking fur vest again. If she’s trying to go Rachel Zoe she needs to embrace the whole vibe, not just one element. “So how was Afghanistan?” asks Vic. Oh, it was terrific! Lots of sun and sand, friendly people, never a dull moment.

After Vic toasts to “being in love-like”, Briana comes clean and confesses that while Vic was otherwise occupied having smoke blown up her caboose by Donn2, Briana and Ryan had done the unthinkable and eloped. Oh yes they did! Drove off to Vegas and did it at a drive-thru, in fact. I love drive-thrus: pharmacies, liquor stores, wedding chapels, Ash Wednesdays, all of it. Vic does not love drive-thrus and she is seething. She is embarrassed. She is disgusted. And she is furious with Ryan, valiant Marine and protector of our liberty, for not having asked her permission. She’s also mad at herself because while she’s a great role model in a lot of respects, in the marriage department not so much. We’re seeing a lot of rare introspection from Vic this episode, aren’t we? It’s mercifully brief and likethat Vic’s back to All About Me-dom: what will she tell her mother? her friends? Donn? This is not what she had planned. She demands an annulment.

Next time: Vic’s having a party at which she will announce the tragic annulment and rub Briana’s face in Donn2 (take that!); and the Magical Penis asks Gretch’s dad for permission to propose – but does Gretch want to get married? Hell no! See you soon, baboons!

Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
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