Anyway, the glam squad is listening (even if paid to do so), so Vic’s gonna vent about this “embarrassing” wedding again. You know how Vic’s going to get Briana back? She’s going to make her meet Donn2. Yep, it’s troooo luv and it’s time. Vic knows Briana is going to be perfectly smitten with Donn2, because mother and daughter are always “amazing together”. Cue the montage of six seasons of Vic henpecking and Briana reacting with horror. This ought to be just ducky.
Tammy Sue is the first to arrive at the deluxe apartment in the sky wearing a red gown with a ruffle down the front. Eddie is in Cuba, of all places, so her date is Fat Son Ryan who has less and less head hair and more and more facial hair with every passing appearance. Ryan even went out and BOUGHT this tuxedo, he’s such a baller! It’s on layaway along with the brown couch. Next comes Gretch in a white fur coat which really needs real animal tails hanging off to give the full effect. When Vic arrives in blue spangles a full patriotic moment is achieved, and the Pledge of Allegiance is recited aloud. Heather sidles up in her gold column to be the flagpole. Is she the tallest of this crew? I perceived her to be a shorty. Anyway, Vic doesn’t like red lips, which has nothing to do with anything, and in case you were wondering what Tammy Sue was going to do about her “SIMON” ring finger tattoo, worry no more because Dr. Terry is going to snip it right out. No laser erasing here, he’s going to give Tammy a finger lift. She just has to text him. Is it a good or a bad thing when you can text your plastic surgeon to arrange your rearranging?
Vic’s lazy ass son Mike rolls in and he’s wearing his usual shirt and jeans and couldn’t give a sh*t if he tried. Donn2 pops up and introduces himself as “Brooks and Dunn” which (a) is just queer, and (b) is a bit of a heartless play on words under the circumstances. Vic shoves them out onto the terrace to bond and supervises with her rabbit nose pressed to the glass. “We’ve got a lot in common,” enthuses Donn2. “You have been a great support to your mom with this Briana news and I appreciate it.” “I don’t want to do this,” replies Mike, and he’s out. That went well! Didn’t even take 30 seconds!
Guess who’s finally here? It’s the Jumbolinos! Conspicuously late as usual, but not as late as our Briana who is totally avoiding and/or setting up her scene. Assy is wearing a completely foul fur coat with striped squirrel trim, like a cheap-ass Cruella De Vil dressed as Tree Guidice for Halloween. Jumbo is in a jacquard smoking jacket that appears to have been whipped up by the Assy Couture seamstress out of pillowcases picked up just that morning at Bed Bath & Beyond.
So where is Briana? After getting zipped into the very same dress Tamra has on she’s finally in the limo and headed to this crappy apartment in Irvine. They arrive and Vic showily introduces the pair as husband and wife. “Shut the front door!” shouts Heather. “Welcome to the family!” hollers Gretch, enveloping them in a warm embrace deriving from true affection. None of the assembled can believe Briana went and eloped. “Does she know who her mother is?” Gretch asks? “Scary!” Assy tells us that Jumbo would lose it if one of the McNuggets eloped. Dr. Terry, on the other hand, says that if one of his three daughters eloped he would be thrilled. Heather is concerned that they are too young and thinks they should have waited. My parents always told me not to get married until I was 30 and I have to say they and Ms. HPK were absolutely right. Tamra, too, is worried about it “sticking”, and concerned Briana will be pregnant by “next year”. Oh ho, you psychic hotline, you! Is Heather the only one that didn’t have a failed early marriage? This crew has quite a bit of firsthand experience with the dangers of marrying too young, that’s for sure. Too late to seek sage counsel there, oh well.
So what’s next? “You surprise, I surprise,” says Vic. “Are you engaged?” says Briana. “You aren’t even legally divorced!” No, smartass, says Vic – it’s Uncle Billy! Whee!! He’s the most important man in Briana’s life besides Donn (and Mike doesn’t count for sh*t anyway), so they toast. And then WinesByWives is announced, which somehow blends sampling new wines with charity, gives money to sadsack ladies or some such. Snore.
Announcements over, the guests begin to recirculate. Heather thinks it’s funny how awkward the ladies all are in their high-class attire. Gretch doesn’t know what she’s talking about, because she “goes all the time”. Goes where? To the corner? Undeterred by Mike’s outright rejection, Donn2 approaches Vic and Tamra to share some of his Hallmark HOF sentiment and totally denigrate Donn1’s parenting. “Briana had a father and a stepfather who were present but absent,” he says, because he really knows sh*t about this. “But I love Mike as thought he is my own,” he intones. Tamra blanches. He turns to her, gazing soulfully into her eyes. “And your son,” he says, “is thebomb.com.” “The WHAT?” says my husband. “What does that even mean?” Tamra is appalled. Donn2 just met them right now! He doesn’t know anything about Mike’s appalling indolence, or Ryan’s criminal past and ‘roid-induced man-deboobification. “It’s weird!” she insists. “He’s not charming the pants off me!” Well thank Jesus Christo El Hombre for that.
Having declared his love for the useless males of the junior set, Donn2 sets himself upon Briana. Briana wants to do shots first but her smart new husband won’t let her. Vic wants them to sit alone in a separate room and Briana isn’t going anywhere without either her mommy or her husband. He could be a child molester for all we know! Briana can’t understand what is going on – we don’t know where Donn2 works, we don’t know where he lives – he has four children in Mississippi and he’s here in California being on a TV show – he’s driving Vic’s car and she’s buying him clothes – if this was Gretch dating Donn2, Vic would be horrified. He’s an opportunist, and Vic’s not even divorced. Briana misses Donn1 and so do I. Considering how mad Vic is at Tamra for doubting Donn2, I cannot wait to find out how she reacts to this.
Vic and Donn2 enter, and Donn2 launches himself at Briana. “I’m a hugger,” he shouts, pinning her to the couch like John Travolta. Donn2 has been praying for Briana and her health and feels like he knows her already. The expression on Briana’s face says she smells something foul. “We’re all in transition,” says Vic. Donn2 thinks it’s “interesting” that two Midwestern women came to California to meet southern men. Vic thinks it’s “interesting” that Donn2 is from the poorest state in the country and she’s from the richest county in the country! Isn’t that fascinating! “We all want to be loved,” says Vic – Briana wanted to marry Ryan, and Vic just wants to have her tank topped off by Donn2. “Yeah, not the same,” says Briana. Vic is hurt deeply. Briana don’t care.
Next time: Assy shares awkward pharmaceutical details of her near-death McNugget birthing experience with a living room full of facepainted preschoolers; the Magical Penis takes Heather shopping for a fake 10-carat yellow diamond non-engagement ring; Vic and Briana fight some more, big surprise; and Eddie can’t take something. Oh, you better take it, Eddie, if you know what’s good for you! Better swish, jellyfish!
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
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