REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 5/16/12

Enough of that, let’s head to Assy’s where a Princess n’ Puppies Party is about to begin! Assy’s “event stylist” is busy bossing around beefy underlings to move overstuffed castoff Guidice furniture this way and that and make space for the “princess area”, because the McNuggets are turning 4! They love princesses, and they love puppies, and since both those things start with P let’s just smoosh them together and call it a theme. Assy is charging around in a tie-dye maxidress with weird Tampax Radiant strings hanging down the back from her neck to the floor until the spray tanner arrives, at which point she sets the tent up in the kitchen, strips down to a bikini, and gets her tan on while continuing to bark orders and solicit compliments on her boobyliciousness. She’s so hot, and orange, and multitasks like a wonder, that Assy.

Across town, the Magical Penis is rattling the gate at Newport Jewelers and begging to be let in. It seems he wants to buy a ring, and has asked Heather to meet him so that they’ll actually open the door. “I don’t know everything about everything,” Heather confides, “but I know something about some things, and this I know a lil’ something about.” Well alright! It seems the Magical Penis has decided that Gretch is more to him that just a girlfriend, and he wants to buy her a token of his affection which may or may not be an “engagement” ring. Still a little open-ended on the expected outcome, but he’s successfully ben admitted to the shop so let’s look at a few items.

MPM has decided this is a two-stage process: 1) Determine what Gretch would want. 2) Cross-reference that “want” with the $2 in spare change in his pocket. The first ring the Newport Jeweler pulls out is a 10-carat yellow diamond, which costs $250K. That’s a non-starter. But Gretch really likes yellow diamonds (why? engagements with colored diamonds never work out into functional marriages) so here’s a 2-carat one in yellow gold with diamonds 75% of the way around the band. Heather opines that the remaining 25% needs to be filled in so the ring will sparkle when Gretch is doing her Miss America wave. Can’t afford that, either. MPM has a solution: how about they put in an imitation stone, and then he’ll work toward replacing it? “Listen, *sshat, this ain’t one of those shops you see advertised in the back of Us Weekly,” says the jeweler. Heather suggests MPM consider a simple band as a symbol of his love, which is all she thinks Gretch really wants. I am shouting at the jeweler on the TV to pull out the tray of “chocolate diamonds” because she likes colored diamonds and brown ones have got to be cheap as the sh*t they look like. But the jeweler ignores my suggestion, and thus the MPM departs to “put some money together”. To think he wonders why he has debt collecting hecklers stalking him everywhere he goes.

Speaking of rings, it seems Tammy Sue did in fact text Dr. Dubrow because she’s here after hours to get that stupid “SIMON” tattoo cut off her finger. She’s had 7 or 8 laser sessions and all that’s done is make it a blurry mess, so Dr. Terry is going to fix her right up. Tamra is nervous and keeps racing off in her hooker boots to have nervous trots in the bathroom. Dr. Terry proposes a bedpan so they can keep this procedure moving, thank you. Why didn’t he just prescribe her a Valium? When Tamra first got the tattoo, Simon told her it was the first unselfish thing she’d done in a long time. Now Eddie is telling her he won’t get her a ring of any kind until she gets the damn thing off. So here she is, ready for the amputation. After a shot in the finger and a quick snip! voila! No more “SIMON”. Don’t ever, ever tattoo someone’s name on your body, children. Next to colored diamonds, tattooed names are the quickest way to ensure relationship disintegration.

Enough of the ring talk, let’s head over to Vic’s brown house where Brother Billy is just waking up. Vic’s got some rye bread for him, because they just love rye bread, those two. Billy’s in California so he’s wearing his totally cheezy Cali-style Ed Hardy-esque shirt, which appears to say “LOVE FAT” on the left shoulder. Does this mean he loves fat people? That we should all love the fat? That love fat resides on his left shoulder? Whatever. Anyway, Brother Billy spent the previous night hanging with Briana and her new spouse, and Vic is still mad so she wants to hear all about it. Vic claims her objection to the whole elopement thing is that Briana and Ryan had not spent a lot of time getting to know each other beforehand, and that they never went to premarital counseling. Yeah, the fact that she wasn’t invited and it wasn’t All About Vic has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with it. And to think Briana now wants a full-on wedding, the very thing Vic has been complaining she was denied? The nerve. Brother Billy is concerned that if such an event takes place and Donn2 attends it will be terribly awkward for Donn1. I am concerned about Brother Billy’s weird eyebrows.