REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 5/16/12

Over at Heather’s, Gretch is coming for a visit and a chance to check out the Palais Dubrow. Heather invites her up to sit a spell and sip some champagne in her bathroom. I always invite my guests to join me in the bathroom, first thing. We fire up the portable space heater, crack open some Boone’s Farm, and take turns sitting on the crapper. At the Chateau Dubrow, everyone gets their very own crapper, and that’s the secret to their harmonious coexistence, whereas at the Rancho we’re all in a constant state of petty nonsense. Anyway, here they are. Gretch is looking very brown and grizzled today, a little too much contour, and is struggling with the question whether she and the Magical Penis should get married. Gretch’s first marriage, she tells us, dissolved over issues of her husband’s insolvency. That does tend to do it. She is fearful of repeating the same mistake. Heather is fearful that something terribly embarrassing is about to happen and that she was part of it. Gretch asks if she knows something, and Heather artfully says she just knows the Magical Penis is in a “flowerier” place. Nicely evaded! Gretch doesn’t know what to do – she wants to have babies (despite the fact that I think she’s missing the proper organs for such an undertaking) and needs to get on with it in the next year or two. I hate to tell her this but she’s already at the point where it would be considered a “geriatric” pregnancy. It’s always better to have a friend tell you you are a knocked up old fart then find out when the deed is done and your feet are in the stirrups. Heather recommends couples therapy, which is an excellent idea, and filming the same will give us a chance to hear the delightful couple sort this out together. All the better!

Back at the Jumbellinos where a puppy is peeing on the floor! It seems you can rent anything in the OC, so Assy has rented not only a team of Real Princesses for the day, she’s also rented four separate litters of puppies – four whole different varieties! – to fill in the Princess n’ Puppies theme! Assy’s makeup artist/sh*t hauler has spackled up the McNuggets with some glitter and spray paint and stuck a tiara in Assy’s hair. The wedding cake manufacturer has put some puppies labeled McNugget #1 and McNugget #2 on the towering pile of pink and purple fondant, the tuxedoed waiter is here, and we’re all ready to go once Jumbo Jr. clangs the bell! It seems this the first “formal birthday party” for the McNuggets and Assy wanted to go all out and make a memory. Memorable occasions, especially those involving four-year-old audiences, require a speech so here goes:

“Four score and seven years ago, I, Assy, was 34 weeks pregnant after a long and painful ordeal of IVF in which I had to carry my husband’s sperm to the clinic, holding it between my knees to keep it warm during the car ride. For mysterious reasons I developed a deadly condition called a PUL-MO-NARY EM-BO-LISM and almost died, children. Almost died. For five days I was given many doses of many drugs with long names, but none of them worked. But finally, the McNuggets were forcibly removed from my body through a hole cut in my tummy, and we’re all here today to party with the puppies in honor of that event. Cheers! Puppies for everyone!” “YAY!” shriek the chillens, racing to the yard to collect their winnings. Nothing like sending kids home with a live animal. The McNuggets blow out the candles on their hideous cake, and one wishes to become a fairy. Then a Cinderella-style horse-drawn carriage rolls up and all the Jumbelinos, except the big fat Mister, hop in for a roll around the cul-de-sac. The End.

Night falls and Heather’s on her way to pick up Nicky, the twin who is the boy, at football practice. She calls Dr. Terry to tell him she didn’t get the part on the TV movie, and she’s basically fine with it. In fact, she’s relieved, and glad she’ll get more time for the restaurant she’s opening. It just would be too stressful. Just in case anyone thought she was actually disappointed, or something. She’s NOT. At ALL.

Enough of that. Tammy Sue and Eddie are back in San Juan Capistrano, dining at The Vintage, which is adjacent to the train tracks and just down the street from El Adobe, site of the Bunco Fiasco. I can’t believe they let that girl back inside the city limits. Eddie and Tamra are parked at a window seat right in front of the tracks, a beautiful place to see and hear the sounds of trains screaming by. So romantical. Tammy is going to have the fish, the vegetables, and the salad, please. Eddie is going to have the venison and Tammy can’t believe he is eating Bambi. Gross. Anyway, Eddie wants the kids to come have a sleepover at his house. Tamra says they aren’t ready for that because they don’t spend a lot of time at his house. Exactly, says Eddie. Right, says Tammy. Eddie slowly and patiently explains to Tammy that he is proposing the kids spend more time at his house so they become comfortable spending more time at his house. A whole tedious, weepy discussion ensues about Tammy’s anxiety that when the kids get more involved Eddie will take off, culminating in Tammy revealing the hairy looking stitches in her Frankenstein finger and Eddie getting turned on and suggesting they do it in the back of Tammy’s car. THE END.

Elsewhere this fine, chilly, dark night, Vic is bringing Briana some soup. Cause I’m sure Vic is a regular soup-making Nazi. Briana is concerned about what’s happening with Vic’s hair. That makes two of us, honey. Vic is wearing that damn hairy looking fur vest again, this time over a puckered shiny gold blouse that is ready to burst it’s buttons like Incredible Hulkwear. Vic seems to have forgotten that she disapproves of big boobies, or maybe it’s just that she disapproves of other people’s big boobies and hers, of course, are perfect. Anyway, Saturday night’s all right for fighting, and these two b*tches are ready to rumble. And away we go:

Neither listens to the other. Both are going into these relationships too fast and too early. Briana points out that she was single for 3 years, while Vic has never been single in her whole life, and we are at 10-0. Vic does not agree with the elopement and accuses Briana of defending herself by attacking someone else, but there’s a foot foul on the serve and we remain 10-0. Plus she’d be divorced already except Donn1 wants spousal support and she’s not giving that horny bastard a red cent. Nope, serve is out. Vic accuses Ryan of being a “married man”, because the internet says his divorce was final in September 2010. Oh HO! 10-10! Briana’s more than ready to talk about the internet, though: what about Donn2’s DUIs and four children with three women? 20-10, and Vic is screaming: “SHUT UP! You don’t say that!” Oh yes she does, Miss Vic. Nice parenting, by the way.

Briana tells Vic that she needs to look at the big picture and that both she AND Mike have concerns. Vic tells Briana that both Donn2 and Ryan have to prove themselves. Donn2 has never lied, she says, and Briana is “out of line”. Briana tells her flat out that she thinks Donn2 is an “opportunist” and that if Vic wants to go “gallivanting around town” with him she can be her guest but she, Briana, won’t be part of it. 30-10! “There’s a difference between lying and not being honest,” she tells her mother, whose Ramoneyes are practically rolling back on her head at this point. 40-10! And then Briana seals it: Briana knows that Vic was with him before the divorce. In fact, she knows that they have been in an emotional relationship for a long time, and has seen evidence on her mother’s computer to prove it. “Emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating,” Briana declares, and that’s it. Game, set, match, BRIANA.

Vic’s so mad at this point there is smoke coming out of her rabbit ears. She sputters some whole crap about how she seems changed because she’s actually happy for the first time in her life, and that she’s crying all the time not because she’s trapped in a demented relationship with a creepy con man, but because “nothing else matters if my kids and I aren’t close”. Yeah, that matters a lot, obviously. “I guess we are going to have separate lives and separate relationships,” sniffs Vic, “because I have concerns about Ryan”. Oh, yeah, back to that again. Nice try.

Next time: Vic informs Donn2 that Briana thinks he’s an opportunist; Gretch and the Magical Penis go to therapy; and Tammy Sue and Assy lunch, where Tamra tells Assy she thinks she’s shallow. Chow chow, brown cows!

Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
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