While Heather lunches with Dina, the Magical Penis is still in his bathrobe and emerges onto on the front porch where a fully wig-and-spackled Gretch is doing the crossword puzzle. Their neighbors must hate them. Gretch wants to see a therapist about the MPM’s failures to pay child support. He’s not a deadbeat, remember, he just has “issues”! The MPM says ok. The end.
It’s still morning for Assy, who’s phoning “Boo Boo” from the Rolls while she drives through a series of cones and other obstacles. That girl is steering like she’s either filming a performance car ad, or being pelted with kittens. Assy informs us that Alexis Couture (her fashion line, not the retired porn star) has “blown up”, and she’s off to a photo shoot of all four of the line’s pieces for the cover of a magazine called “Beauty and Entertainment”, or, as she calls it, “B&E”. I call it “imaginary”. I’ll say this for Assy: unlike She by Sheree, at least there are clothes. She actually has two lines: Alexis by Tal Shen, who is the seamstress that designed the bat-wing dress the sleeve of which Assy unceremoniously chopped with shears last season; and Alexis Couture, which is 100% Assy.
Assy wishes Jumbo could come along and provide a critique, because he’s really good at telling her to stick her butt out more or look fierce, but alas, Jumbo has some trampoline blueprints that need review and he can’t make it. Now that she’s a professional model Assy knows how to work fast, so she wants this done by 1, or at least 3, and chop chop! Our first outfit is a shiny gold bustier dress – very Cache. Next we have a ratty squirrel vest over a sheer teal maxi column. Assy spreads out so the photographer can get a crotch shot. Third is a pile of turquoise toilet paper held up by a stretchy gold headband leftover from when the McNuggets were hairless infants, and finally last we have a black sleeveless shirtdress with giant lapels, courtesy of Lands End. Next year, Assy promises us, we’ll see actual stars on the red carpet wearing squirrel vests and colored toilet paper. I’m betting on Tara Reid.
Having decided to take the plunge and Go Dubrow, Heather arrives at the DMV to get an updated license. She cracks a whole bunch of jokes with the humorless and drab employees of the State of California before taking a photo (two, actually) that look disturbingly like Danielle Staub. And voila! Heather is now officially a wife, a mother, a friend, and a member of the OC community. And a Dubrow.
So where’s Tammy been? She’s driving around southern California visiting gym owners and picking their brains. Tammy’s always wanted either her own gym or her own bar – hey, who doesn’t? Tammy and Eddie start off at Bird Rock Fit, which is far away. So far away, in fact, that it’s in La Jolla. What does Bird Rock Fit even mean? Whatever – anyway, this place offers training in 30 minute sessions, featuring TRX and spinning. They advise Tammy Sue that her $60K startup budget will be plenty to launch her gym. I hope she’s not planning to offer spinning because those bikes are $1500 and up, each. We’ll see how that turns out.
Back in the OC, Vic’s now wearing a pink version of the Yanni blouse and making calls to the chicks to set up a trip to Costa Rica while pasting labels on keys. First up is Assy, who is going to try to arrange a babysitter because God knows Jumbo isn’t gonna cover things. That’s woman’s work! Assy informs us that Costa Rica is in Mexico, so it’s south. Riiiight. Then Vic phones Gretch and gets her voicemail message telling the caller to try phoning the MPM if they really want to talk to her. Vic doesn’t make phone calls to penii so she leaves a message, wanting to know if Gretch is up for getting away from it all amidst the monkeys, water, and rain. No penii allowed. Finally she phones Tammy and poses one question: “Do you like monkeys?” Well, who doesn’t, really?